Mind Body and Soul

By Dvorah Levy, LCSW

As Printed in the Jewish Press Health Supplement of December 29, 2010

When a bride and groom stand under the chuppah during the traditional wedding ceremony, we refer to the new couple as "Reim Ahuvim," loving friends, and bless them that they should be truly happy. Couples join in marriage with ideals, blessings and joy, and then what happens? Too many times, joy turns into pain and conflict. The divorce rate in the Jewish community is now rising toward the level in the larger secular world. Many Jewish couples today are living with great stress, questioning the viability of their relationships and hurting deeply. Why are our relationships so often bringing us pain rather than comfort? We yearn to be in a close relationship, we aspire to the values of marriage and family, and yet so very often we find ourselves still lonely. Although we crave emotional safety, we find ourselves with exactly the opposite. Our partners often do not feel emotionally safe. This is the "couples' quandary." What can we do about it?

At the root of many couples' distress is emotional disconnection. Emotional connection is as vital to both men and women as air and water. Studies have shown the positive effects that being in a secure relationship has on one's emotional and physical well-being. Conversely, tension and stress in a relationship have been clinically shown to lead to increased blood pressure, depression and anxiety. When we have doubts about whether our partner is there for us, we act out in subconscious ways, demanding answers to questions such as: "Can I count on you and depend on you?" "Will you respond when I need you?" "Do I matter to you?" "Am I valued and accepted by you?" Because we are so often unaware of what we need, which is reassurance, we tend to ask these questions in anger or indirectly, ways that could potentially push our partner away from us. If our partner could hear these cries for help that are driving our anger or withdrawal, their responses to us would be very different. But for this to happen, we need to be clearer and more aware.

Let's look at this scenario as an example: Sam comes home late from work. Chani, who had prepared his favorite dinner, was unable to reach him by phone. As soon as Sam walks in the door, Chani barks, "Where were you?" Sam responds, annoyed, "Where do you think I was? I had to finish up at work!" "Well, your dinner is now cold!" Chani snaps. Sam says, "Who needs dinner?" as he stalks into his study and slams the door.

Does this interchange seem familiar to you? Are you thinking, "What a lousy way for Chani to greet her hardworking husband?" Or perhaps you are thinking, "Sam should have called earlier to give her a heads-up." Or are you wondering, "What's the big deal? Why is this couple suddenly not talking?"

Let's look at this interchange from the perspective of emotional connection, recalling that at the bottom of most marital conflicts is the fear that our partner will not be there for us when we need them, or that we are not special to them. When Sam is not home on time, Chani feels hurt. Whether she is aware of her feelings or not, she is wondering, "Am I important to Sam?" When Sam comes home after a long, hard day, instead of being greeted with warmth and comfort from his wife, he hears only criticism from her. This causes him to wonder, "Am I valued by her?"

When our loved one is unavailable or unresponsive to us, we are assailed by anger, sadness, hurt and, above all, fear. Our responses are primal. We react by either criticizing or attacking, with the hope that we will force our partner to notice us and recognize our need, or else we withdraw to protect ourselves, as if to say, "I won't let you hurt me."

If Sam and Chani had understood each other's needs and reactions on a deeper level, their dialogue would have gone like this: Sam walks in the door. Chani would have said, "I'm glad you are finally home. I was concerned that you were so late, and I was beginning to feel lonely. I made your favorite dinner, and I'm disappointed that it is cold now. I was also hurt that you didn't remember to call me and tell me that you were going to be late, which made me start wondering if I was really important to you." Sam would have said, "I was under so much pressure to finish my task at work today that I just wanted to get home as quickly as I could to be with you [latent message: you are important to me]. I'm sorry that I didn't call. That was a mistake, and I will try to remember in the future. Thanks for making my favorite dinner. Don't worry about it getting cold. I'm sure it will be great [expressed appreciation]. I'm starving!" This is how a couple can use a potentially negative incident to add support and strength to their relationship on more than one level.

Conversations between couples generally don't go this well. This type of exchange requires not only a deep mutual awareness of one another's needs, but also self-awareness regarding our own hurt feelings. We all enter our relationships with unique vulnerabilities and subconscious triggers. With experience, we can learn to recognize that our more hostile or confrontational responses to our partners often stem from our own attachment insecurities. The healing benefits and positive effects of being in a healthy relationship with a secure attachment to our partner are huge, and well worth the effort. By applying these insights and trying to look at these situations from our partner's perspective, we can change our responses for the better, using our awareness to create closeness, and reclaiming the blessing of "Reim Ahuvim," loving friends, always.