Sara glances at the clock. It is 3:00 A.M. The baby is stirring in her crib. Sara groans knowing what's next. Before long the baby is crying loudly. Exhausted, she nudges her sleeping husband, "Can you get her please?"
"I have a big day tomorrow," he mumbles.
"And I don't need to be alert tomorrow?" Sara pleads.
"You get her this time and I'll do the next," he says.
"That's not going to help. I am so tired," she replies.
Anger awakens the couple out of their sleep and resentment festers. Finally, her husband stomps out of the room to try to comfort the now wailing baby.
There is much excitement in anticipation of a baby's arrival. It is natural for a couple to place their dreams and hopes onto this little person, and to be in awe of the miracle of such a being. That is why we discover, to our surprise and confusion, how difficult taking care of a baby actually is and how much of a challenge it can be on the marriage.
Having a baby means getting up repeatedly during the night for feedings, feeling helpless in dealing with inconsolable crying and having one's freedom restricted. More exhaustion, more responsibility, increased self-doubt and less autonomy - not the picture a young couple generally envisions with the birth of their baby. In addition, each spouse has their own expectations of who should be doing what in taking care of their baby and what takes priority, often based upon expectations from their own upbringing and experiences. These differing expectations and unexpected strains can put stress on a marriage, but with awareness and the proper tools, overcoming these challenges can help a couple make their marriage relationship grow even stronger during this time.
Couples caring for a baby need to make it a priority to spend consistent, quality time together. Positive experiences are like money in a bank account; they offer us a reserve of good feelings that can influence us when more challenging interactions arise. Things that our partner does that can be annoying or distancing, when experienced in the context of a "balance of positive experiences in one's account," will have a much weaker negative impact. For example, if Sara's husband forgets to pick up diapers on his way home, but he remembers to call her during his lunch break and ask about a problem she was working on, Sara's potential anger in reaction to his forgetting the diapers will be reduced. Each act of kindness, thoughtfulness and sensitivity is a source of strength for a relationship which can be drawn upon during difficult times.
Each partner in a marriage needs to be aware of their expectations and needs and discuss them with the other, but not in times of conflict. 3:00 A.M. is not the time for Sara and her husband to start discussing a plan for who will get up to take care of their crying baby in the middle of the night. However, in the light of day, when they are not under pressure, this couple could sit down together, with empathy and sensitivity for one another, and come up with a joint child-care plan that takes into account each of their needs.
While it is natural for us to feel that we are doing all that we can just to fulfill the demands of our own schedules and responsibilities, in a marriage, that is not enough. When we take a moment during our day to ask our partner, "Is there anything I can help you with? Is there anything you need from me?" there is a remarkable, positive effect on a relationship. Conveying to our partner that we are there for them, that we will not judge them harshly for needing our help and that they can rely on us, unconditionally, is the foundation of an intimate relationship. On a subconscious level and in different ways we are often asking our partner - "Are you there for me?" When the answer we receive is "Yes," an environment of mutual reliance and trust ensues, creating an enhanced feeling of closeness. Each partner feels less burdened by life, and the relationship becomes stronger.
Just imagine this time Sara being awakened at 3:00 A.M. by her baby, and with eyes half closed, she swings her legs laboriously over the bed. "I'll get her," she mumbles.
"No, honey," her husband replies, "Let me do it."
The relationship account is once again strengthened.
Dvorah Levy, LCSW is a psychotherapist in private practice working with individuals and couples. She has an office in Brooklyn and Hewlett, and specializes in marriage therapy, parenting challenges and relationship issues. She can be reached at (516) 660-7157.