The question of how to parent one's children once they have grown up is a much-discussed topic in our community. Naturally, parents' concern for their children does not stop once the children become legal adults, and if anything, increases when parents feel they are losing control over the child's life. After investing so much effort into their children all these years, it is difficult for parents to take a step back and allow these new adults to lead their own lives and make their own decisions, particularly in the realm of religion. But although many Jewish speakers and writers declare that the parents are responsible for their children’s choices and Torah observance no matter the child’s age, that viewpoint is unsatisfactory as it denies adult children their status as fully recognized human beings who are capable of making their own decisions.

I recently read Jane Isay's Walking on Eggshells, which deals with relationships between parents and adult children in a profoundly sensitive, rational way with the goal of improving those relationships. Instead of decrying “the way young adults are today” as many unfortunately do, Isay acknowledges the reality of the relationship between parents and their adult children, focusing on how to maintain and improve the relationship instead of uselessly blaming the adult children and the society of which they are a product. Isay's book helps parents and their adult children understand each other's positions better so that fragile relationships can be strengthened for the benefit of both sides.

Isay addresses the issue of religious differences between parents and children, encouraging parents to give adult children unconditional love and support even if their religious choices are disappointing to the parents. This is a painful issue for many in the Jewish community. After investing in their children, parents feel responsible for the outcome and take it personally when their children do not meet their religious expectations. From simple things such as modes of dress to more significant religious choices such as whether or not to be religious at all, a crucial aspect of growing up is learning to make decisions for oneself, even if those decisions may hurt one's parents.

Until parents and communities can accept this and treat young adults with respect and with the understanding that they are capable of making their own choices, these young adults are more likely to leave the community and escape from an institution that they feel is restrictive and oppressive. I know many individuals who felt driven off by their parents' attitude. Instead of accomplishing anything or bringing their children closer to the model they desired, these parents caused a break in their relationships with their children. As a result, these children often went even further away from their parents' ideal.

Parents who justify being hard on their children by attributing it to tough love and saying that this is the only way to ensure their children become good people do not realize how counterproductive such an attitude can be. Treating children as if there is something wrong with them because of their choices and trying to figure out “what went wrong” is a damaging attitude that only sends them the message that they are not loved or accepted the way they are and that their parents cannot look past their choices to appreciate who they are as individuals. Receiving the message that they only have worth if they reach the parents’ standards is hurtful and limiting and breeds resentment.

The goal should be unconditional love, not tough love. Loving your children as they grow up no matter what, regardless of religious or personal choices – that is the best way to keep relationships with your adult children stable. Because as Isay points out, adult children are now capable of leaving behind toxic relationships with parents by closing down from then emotionally, withholding details about their lives, and moving far away.

What this means for parents in the Jewish community who want to remain in their children's lives and stay close with them is that they must always show unconditional love and support. This encourages their children to feel more comfortable with them and keep them involved and up to date on their lives. When your children confide in you or share a part of their lives with you, do not pass judgment or make them regret sharing with you.

One of the most crucial things is to listen, and try to understand and empathize without passing judgment or making demands or pressuring children into certain choices. When children become fully actualized adults and develop their own styles of thinking and sets of beliefs, the parents’ main job becomes to listen to what the children are trying to say and take it seriously. If your children are making personal decisions that you disapprove of, listen to them first and try to understand their motivations and their points of view in order to foster healthy, loving relationships.

Fortunately, the key message of Isay’s Walking on Eggshells is a positive one. She reiterates throughout the book that no matter how many mistakes a parent may have made in raising a child, children are usually willing to reconnect and rebuild relationships when they receive the message that their parents are willing to accept them as they are and want to remain close to them.