Weâve all been there. A loved one says âsorryâ and we feel uneasy and confused. On one hand, it seems ungracious to refuse an apology, but on the other, the apology feels empty and insincere. But because the other person has apologized, he feels that the matter is closed and so, unsettled as we may feel, we let it go⦠and the resentment begins to build.
For those of you who have trouble recognizing this pattern in your life, go to any schoolyard in the world. Watch how the offending party utters (often under duress) the grudging âIâm sorryâ and the victim retreats, unsatisfied and resentful.
Whatâs wrong with this picture? What are we missing?
The missing link is the aggressorâs conveying in both words and deeds that he very much regrets hurting the other. It is crucial that the offender somehow manages to convey that he is truly sorry and will make every effort to repair the damage that he has caused. The responsibility of the aggressor to âfixâ things far exceeds the requirement of the wounded to forgive.
So when we hurt the ones we most love, we need to begin by showing empathy. Empathy is the ability to feel as if you are in the otherâs place, to âwalk a mile in the otherâs shoes,â so to speak. Empathy is absolutely essential here, lest we fall into the trap of: I wouldnât mind if my brother âborrowedâ my calculator, so why should he make such a big deal when I take his? Empathy validates the otherâs right to be an individual, to feel and react in a way that is unique to him alone. It means an absence of judging anotherâs feelings and reactions and deciding what constitutes a wrong and what does not. Empathy is about respecting the other personâs right to have feelings that you cannot even imagine. Empathy obviates the need for your agreement or seal of approval on someone elseâs emotions.
Once we have developed empathy and recognize that we have hurt another, we need to acknowledge that fact and begin our repair, which is a two-step process:
1. Communication: Both in our verbal (words) and non-verbal (body language) communication, we need to show that we understand (empathy) how the other person feels and that we are sorry for causing pain. A direct apology (no excuses, extenuating circumstances, or counter-attacks) that specifies where we have gone amiss and our sincere regret over that lapse are in order. Direct eye contact, full focus on the other person (no reading or fiddling with stuff) is the order of the day. A simple âIâm sorryâ is unacceptable. A child is schooled to name his crime and say: I am sorry for ripping your paper, or losing your toy. As adults, we also want to give a full apology to show that we understand precisely where we went wrong. This also insures that you are both on the same page and prevents misunderstandings.
Chaim is often late, which is frustrating to his wife. They have agreed that when Chaim is more than ten minutes late, he will call and give Toby, his wife, a heads-up. On Sunday night, Chaim gets sidetracked at shul, forgets to call, and comes home an hour late. Toby is upset and asks why he didnât call her. Chaim rushes into apology mode and apologizes for being late. At this point, Toby clarifies that she is not upset by his lateness (well, not very), but by his failure to keep his agreement to call and let her know.
2. Action: Repair requires behavior change that shows that you understand where the breakdown is. Unfortunately, the ubiquitous flowers or chocolate donât cut it: they are more like a bandage over an open wound. Repair has to be some kabbalah, concrete action or change in behavior, no matter how small, that is not one size fits all but is tailored to the offense.
For the child who teases his brother and call him âshortyâ or âshrimp,â it might be the decision to call his brother by his full name, no adjectives or nicknames ever. For the spouse who âforgetsâ a commitment, it might be a decision to always put his partnerâs requests in writing.
Sometimes, unfortunately, we keep reinjuring the other party by a behavior that is habitual to us, like being overly blunt or chronically messy or late. Such situations are very complex and require far more attention than is possible to give in this brief article. Perhaps some extensive discussions and negotiations can help work out a truce so that there isnât the offender-victim dynamic. However, if you are stuck in the pattern of aggressor/victim and offend/apologize, consider getting some professional help. Your shalom bayis, and that of your children, may well depend on it.
Dr. Sara Teichman, PsyD maintains a private counseling practice in Los Angeles, California where she sees children, adolescents, and adults. In addition, she is the Clinical Director at ETTA at OHEL. She is the author of a bi-weekly parenting column, Child in Mind â Ask Dr T in Binah Magazine. Dr. T also gives parenting lectures, in person and by teleconference, all around the United States. To contact Dr. Teichman, email her at [email protected].