Chavy looks at her son with frustration. He has just told her that he is sick of yeshivah and wants to go to work. She wonders, why can't he just be a “normal yeshiva boy”? Where did she go wrong? Why wasn't she capable of passing on her beliefs to her own son?
Chaim argues with his daughter who doesn't want to go to seminary. She feels that it's a waste of time since she's not planning to teach. She wants to work, make some money, and possibly take some college courses. This was not the future he had envisioned for his daughter. What kind of parent is he if he can't transmit his values to his daughter?
As parents, although we have tried to do the best we could, we often look at the end product, our children, and feel that we have failed. We may blame it on ignorance, lack of patience, stress or any of the myriad of issues that decorate our lives, but we are sure we messed up. And then... the guilt sets in. How could I have said that? How could I have done that? I can't believe I lost my temper like that. I've traumatized my child. I am just not a competent parent… and so on. We are eaten up with guilt for what we have done, intentionally or not, to our children. What do we do now? How can we deal with our feelings of defeat, our belief that we have destroyed the future generation, possibly even generations?
The answer may surprise you. We forgive ourselves – yes, believe it or not, that will make the greatest change. No matter what we did, as terrible as it might seem, we must forgive ourselves or we are doomed to be parental failures, destined to be stuck in the rut of our dysfunctional behavior. As long as we are consumed with guilt for all the “terrible” things we have done, we cannot move forward and become better parents. Sometimes we need to apologize, depending on the child's maturity. But whether we do or not – whether they forgive us or not – we need to forgive ourselves. We must remember, not only that we are human, but that we are part of God’s plan. Just as our parents were often a challenge to us, so are we a challenge to our children. This isn't an excuse to be bad parents; this is a reason to forgive ourselves for our past offenses.
Yes, we may have damaged our children, but teshuva does not mean being consumed by guilt. It means feeling sorry for what we've done and committing ourselves to avoid repeating our transgressions, whatever they may be. We cannot improve and develop our future if we haven't let go of the past. We need to be able to move on.
Moving on frees us to grow to be better parents in our interactions with our children. We can learn how to communicate effectively, discuss our conflicting viewpoints, often involving their obligations, and thrash out our differences. We also can accept our children as they are, even if they have not met our expectations, or our dreams. It means understanding that children have their own paths and we need to celebrate their own particular positive traits. It means understanding that although our parenting contributed to who they are, there are other factors that have had a great influence on them, too. Their conduct, manners, performance, aspirations and appearance are not a direct reflection of our success or failure as a parent.
If we can take a step back as we learn to forgive ourselves, we can look at them without judgment. We can realize that our anger at them for not being what we expected, for not turning out the way we would have wanted, is directed more at ourselves than at them. Although we are saying: Why can't they be like everyone else – or better?, we are actually thinking: What could I have done differently to make them be like everyone else?
It's time to let these destructive thoughts go, because they have no value and serve no purpose. Even if we are disappointed or hurt by their life decisions, we can more easily accept our children and their choices if we can acknowledge that it's not our fault. Our children may want different lives, spouses, or careers than we may have planned for them, but they still need our approval to attain true happiness. Our children need to know that we understand them and can value their struggles and the solutions that work for them. When we can reach the point that we can accept their choices, we have attained the purpose of our lives as parents: Giving our children the independence to forge their own path.
Sara Pinkesz, MHC, CASAC-T currently works as a Young Adult Counselor at Peaceful Home Associates. She is also in private practice dealing with troubled teens and young adults, specializing in drug addiction. She can be reached by calling 917-686-3987 or via email: [email protected].