The Hagaddah speaks of the Four Sons at the Seder table and expounds briefly on what they will ask and what we should tell them. But what about the Fifth Son, the one not mentioned in the Haggadah because he’s not at the Seder Table? He’s in his room or out with friends, refusing to come down or ignoring his place in the family unit. What does the Haggadah say about this Son?

The Nesivos Shalom asks a basic question regarding Yetzias Mitzrayim. Why did G-d Himself have to come down and free the Jews? Why wasn’t one of G-d’s angels sent down to perform this task? The answer is that if an angel would have come down to Mitzrayim, he would have seen the Jews and the Egyptians serving identical gods, sinning in similar ways, blending as one. “Why should these Jews be saved?” he would ask, “They sin exactly the same as the Egyptians!” G-d Himself needed to save the Jews, because He wasn’t fooled by the exterior vision of Mitzrayim. He knew that though the Jews had fallen during 210 years of slavery to a level where idol worship was rampant and widespread, their essence was to be pure, holy, and G-d-fearing. Only G-d could look past the external to see deep inside the Jews and know that their visible behaviors were not indicative of an evil soul or a base existence, but rather of feeling abandoned, lost, and hurt.

The Fifth Son is the “rebel” of the family. He does what he wants, when he wants, with little regard for his parents or siblings. He may be without a school, as his last one kicked him out. He hangs out late with friends and defies his parents’ rules. He may not be as overtly disrespectful as the Rasha, but sometimes, deep inside, the parents worry that this is the perfect description for him. He isn’t at the seder table, so firstly, how do we get him there? Secondly, how do we treat him once he is there? And thirdly, what happens next?

The Fifth Son (or daughter) is most likely an extremely sensitive child. He may not seem this way, for his outer walls are tough, but he is deeply affected by his circumstances, experiences, and social interactions. He needs to be treated with “kid gloves,” lovingly, respectfully, and carefully. By recognizing that the Fifth Son’s spiteful outside actually houses an emotional and hurting inside, the parents will hopefully feel encouraged to tenderly invite him to join the family at the Seder table. Once he’s there, the words of Rabbi Chaim Shmuelevitz are the perfect guide. R’ Chaim points out that the reason each Son is preceded by the word “echad,” in the Haggadah even though grammatically, one “echad” would have been sufficient, is to emphasize how each Son is an individual who needs to be treated as such. What works for the First son won’t necessarily work for the Second, Third, Fourth, or especially the Fifth Son.

Hopefully, the Seder table that the Fifth Son was warmly invited to was a positive experience. He enjoyed the interactions and the food and he felt the joy and love emanating from his parents and siblings. “Now what?” his anguished but hopeful parents ask. Understandably so, the Fifth Son’s parents think he has turned a corner. They begin to think that the months of anguish and uncertainty are finally over. However, a better reaction would be to understand that this positive experience will be put into the Fifth Son’s emotional bank account. Each positive experience he has will hopefully negate a negative one, but unfortunately his account is filled with pessimistic and unyielding feelings. Moving forward into a healthier, more positive life is a process, sometimes a long one, and the Fifth Son is on this journey by himself. Constant and consistent encouragement, positivity, and love go a long way towards cementing the Fifth Son’s permanent spot at the Seder table.

Rabbi AY Weinberg is the Founder and Executive Director of Project Extreme. Project Extreme was founded with the realization that many Jewish teens were embracing dangerous behaviors, making poor, unhealthy choices, resulting in their becoming alienated from their communities, families, and friends, and failing to thrive in mainstream schools, camps and youth groups. Begun as a summer program for a handful of teens, Project Extreme has grown and evolved, and now provides year-round programming to hundreds of youth in-need. Project Extreme's programs include weekend retreats, holiday programming, nights on the town, Camp Extreme for boys, and Camp Extreme for girls. He lives in Far Rockaway with his family.

Shevy Moser, LMSW is the in-house Social Worker for Project Extreme and the coordinator of the program’s Community Helpline, providing guidance, advice, and referrals to callers from across the country. She is in private practice in Woodmere, NY where she lives with her family.