By Chaya Tauber, LCSW

Hollering, flinging objects, slamming doors, hitting, threatening…. Have you ever seen an adult tantrum and wondered why it was happening? This type of adult has inadequate words for verbal expression and lacks problem-solving skills, and therefore has difficulty relating to and being understood by others. The adult is typically described as short-tempered, impulsive, and in need of “Anger Management Classes.”

Children who tantrum are expressing anger and frustration at not being understood, since they have difficulty conveying their needs and feelings in a verbal way. Just as children are taught fundamental daily living skills such as dressing and feeding themselves, basic language to identify objects and needs, they need to be taught to articulate their emotions. Annoyance, embarrassment, hatred, etc. need to be communicated in an acceptable, verbal manner. 

Effective methods to teach children how to handle their emotions are mirroring and empathy. Mirroring is a technique used by clinicians, where one reflects back with words and facial expressions what someone else is experiencing. Empathy is compassion, conveyed by speaking to the other person in a manner that makes sure he/she feels understood.

Mirroring and empathy begin at an early age, practically at birth.  Mirroring is noted from the start: mothers coo, smile, and scrunch up their noses at their newborns until they receive a response.  Smiling babies are usually responding in a socially appropriate way to others who are smiling at or cooing to them.  They will also learn to imitate facial expressions and use a correct tone of voice to express their contentment, pain, or boredom.  Empathy, as well, is internalized throughout the stages of growth.  If the baby is hungry, mother can state in a soothing tone, ”I will be with you,” or ”I know you are hungry,” or ”I am getting the bottle ready,” and attempt to sooth the baby verbally until she is ready to attend to the infant. 

As the baby gets older and develops some language, many parents stop this type of interaction, and instead get irritated and expect the child to start verbalizing his needs.  Young children will whine and tantrum for a variety of reasons.  A child who is beginning to speak may not have sufficient command of the language to properly express himself and will therefore revert to familiar habits of either whining or thrashing about on the floor.

The earlier a parent can address the child’s distress verbally, the quicker the child will learn to articulate his needs.   For example, a 3-year-old boy gets very frustrated, weeps loudly, and prepares to attack when his tower is wrecked by his 18-month-old brother.  Mother may approach the boy with a resolution: “Come, I’ll help you fix it.”  While this may come across as the “perfect solution,” a crucial part has been overlooked.  The child missed out on some vital fundamentals, such as learning to express his aggravation verbally, experiencing that the parent identifies and empathizes  with him, and learning how to solve problems instead of relying on mother to find solutions for him. The incident can actually be used as a teaching and modeling opportunity to teach the child to express feelings verbally and problem solve. 

Mother can mirror and be empathic by stating any or all of the following:

“You are really angry that your tower is wrecked.”  

“It’s hard to have a little brother who ruins your stuff.” 

 “You worked really hard to build the tower.”

After mirroring and empathy have been used, problem-solving can begin.  To help a child problem solve you might ask:

“What can be done to fix this?” or “What would you like me to help you with?”

Listen to all suggestions, even if they are preposterous. 

“We can give the baby back to the hospital.”

“I can play in another room.” 

“Lock him in his crib.”

If the child has difficulty thinking of a solution, mother can give some suggestions and encourage the child to choose one. While this may sound and feel artificial at first, with practice, the words will come more naturally and be spontaneous. 

The techniques of mirroring, empathy, and encouraging problem-solving build and maintain healthy self-awareness and assertiveness. Truly listening and narrating for the child what is happening will mirror back to the child a sense of self-worth.   The child learns to put ”feeling” words to actions (angry, happy, sad, scared), stores them in his memory, and will learn through future situations and adult modeling the correct verbal expression of feelings.  In the area of building self-esteem, the child gets the message that he has the ability to think of good ideas, solve problems, and be validated.

Tantrums are most common in toddlers who are just developing language and are not ready to use words yet.  Tantrums will continue, but diminish throughout the preschool years.  As the child gets older and masters good language skills, tantrums will occur less and less frequently. Children who are taught and modeled to express their feelings in a verbally appropriate manner will have a minimal desire to tantrum or, as adults, have no need for anger management classes.

Chaya Tauber, LCSW is the founder and supervisor of the Parent Support Program at Integrated Treatment Services and is employed as a Mental Health Consultant for Head Start.  She directs Parent Support Groups and provides guidance to school staff regarding the social and behavioral development of children.  She received postgraduate training in the treatment of adolescents at the Postgraduate Center for Mental Health, a psychoanalytic institute, and is bilingual Yiddish-speaking.  She can be reached at (347) 701-9185 or [email protected].