Oftentimes we believe that it is enough to just say “I’m sorry” when we have hurt someone. Perhaps in some cases that is sufficient, but when it comes to more intimate relationships, such as a spouse, sibling, parent or child, we need to make amends in a deeper, more substantial way. The reason is simple: Acts of hurt and disrespect and careless disregard occur on a daily basis. No one wants to hurt someone they love, ever, but life happens; people make mistakes and hurt results. If it is not remedied in a substantial way where the hurt party feels compensated and cared about, the relationship is threatened. If left like an open wound, it can easily become infected and lead to irreversible damage. More divorces occur because of unresolved hurt and sadness than from anything else. It is so much easier to destroy intimacy and connection than to create and nurture it.

What is ironic about this emotional downward spiral is that the perpetrator of the pain usually has no intention to hurt another. Almost always the offending party has been hurt themselves and now, as they try to protect themselves from further hurt, they wind up hurting the other. That is why the Torah teaches us that we should judge all people favorably, especially those we love. It would certainly be easier if we really understood that their intent was not to hurt us at all but rather, to protect and defend themselves. For example, a young child is promised a treat by his father for good behavior. An older brother (who doesn’t know this is a reward) sees this act as one of favoritism and feels less loved by his parent. When the father wants to schmooze and learn with him later on that night, the boy will say he is too busy and shrug the dad off in classic passive/aggressive fashion. Dad, not knowing what is really going on, responds by feeling disrespected and disappointed and moves further away emotionally from that child. He may accuse him of being disrespectful, further pushing the already pained boy further away. The child now feels even more unloved and more alone. If left unchecked, this small episode can spiral out of control and lead to a real chasm in their relationship.

To be effective and protective over our family ties, we need to be ever aware and vigilant about the hurts our loved ones may be experiencing, especially those hurts that they do not tell us about. Pre-emptive apologies for hurts not told to us are an even greater sign of love and concern. For example, if the father in the above scenario now senses that his older son is upset about something and approaches him with compassion and understanding, the matter can be resolved, sometimes without further discussion. Son, I see that you are a bit withdrawn from me. Is it something I did or did not do for you? Are you aware of feeling distant from me? It saddens me when we are not close. I miss you and our times together. Please tell me what I can do to fix this so that we can be close again. Even if the hurt person is not cognizant of his hurt or disappointment, he will still feel better knowing that he is missed and loved and thought about. Emotional hurt has the power to destroy relationships by destroying mutual trust and shutting down vulnerability.

The art of effective apology is even more valuable when it comes to a spouse. As the age old adage goes: “If you’re happy, then I and the rest of the household are happy, and if you are not happy…” It behooves all couples to master the skills of apology for shalom bayis and for good modeling for children.

So what constitutes a good apology? First, let’s see what should not be said. We never want to blame the other for their feelings. One should ever say: “I’m sorry you were hurt but you’re just too sensitive.” The contrite awareness is negated by the insult. This will just lead to further hurts and the need for more apologies.

When saying sorry, we must not tell the other that they have no right to the way they are feeling. Do not say: “How can you be hurt by that? What is wrong with you, are you such a baby? No normal person would feel that way.” Again, the person is being disrespected and any desires to connect back are squashed.

A good apology consists of the following:

• We must acknowledge the other person’s hurt as a right or entitlement as a human being with no objections. The essence of an apology is not to defend ourselves; it is to heal the other.
• A good apology details the hurt that the other is feeling. “It must feel awful to think that I didn’t care about us because I forgot to give you an anniversary card like I always do. You were waiting all day and I said nothing, which could easily have made you feel worthless. I really understand how that could make you feel unloved by me.”
• You express the fact that you had no idea that what you said or did would hurt the other. There was no intent and no malice on your part at all.
• You must be willing to do whatever they say to make it right, within reason. “I will do whatever is necessary to show you how sorry I am for your hurt.”
• You must sincerely let them know that you never meant to hurt them and that you now understand what it was that created this terrible rift, and that you will make every effort with every fiber of your being not to let this happen again. This conclusion is most important. It is human to err. When we let someone know that we never want them to feel hurt again, we show our commitment to them and our love for them and their needs.

Why is it so difficult for most people to apologize well? The answer is simple. Apologizing means that I made a mistake, I must critique myself and admit it to you, making myself incredibly vulnerable. I become open to being chastised and hurt by you by giving you this admission of guilt. Apologizing well, however, is an act of great maturity. It is too difficult for those with low self-esteem. The good news is that by mastering the art of successful apologizing, we can actually increase our self-esteem and grow the insecure child within us up.

Reizl Kessin, MHC is available for counseling. She lectures and conducts workshops on communication skills, assertiveness training and many other topics. She can be reached at 718 951-7042

or [email protected].