When two souls are united in marriage, it brings an unparalleled magical bond from which new life can evolve. A deep emotional commitment is paired with spiritual advancement. The following are some psychological / spiritual pathways to develop a peaceful and harmonious home.
In our overscheduled, stressed lives there are myriad demands upon couples which leave little opportunity for investing in the richness and passion between husband and wife.
A key factor is that the decision to commit to a relationship does not preclude emotional and relational barriers from diluting that magical exclusivity. There is no invisible sign that reads "taken" once you become a couple. Attraction is one of the strongest emotions that envelopes two individuals and that is the human quality responsible for perpetuating the next generation.
1)True Love is Found Within. The place to begin to improve your marriage is to look in your own “pockets” and work on yourself. There are things that you want to change about, yet you find it very difficult to do so, despite your best efforts. “How goodly are your tents, O Jacob.”[1] That verse, our Sages teach, refers to the fact that the Jews in the desert arranged their tents modestly so that the entrances would not face each other and no one would be able to see into their neighbor’s home. According to the Baal Shem Tov, there is a deeper message behind the modest arrangement of the tents. It means that they did not scrutinize their neighbors’ faults. [2]Loving your neighbor means overlooking the shortcomings of others and focusing on your own “tents” to examine areas of possible improvement.
People are naturally flawed and changing habitual personality insufficiencies are a lifetime struggle. The pathway to happiness and fulfillment is to concentrate on personal and spiritual growth. Lead by example! Exemplify the very qualities that you hope for your spouse and you will achieve greater peace and satisfaction in your marriage.
2) Appreciation. An attitude of gratitude. It is easy to overlook the effort it takes for each partner to fulfill their role in the marriage. Whether there are fixed responsibilities or shared tasks, you don’t have to wait for a herculean endeavor or a monumental challenge to let your spouse know how grateful you are for all that they do. Recognizing the smallest actions will result in a huge return because appreciation is an important component of love.
3) Resist the Temptation to React. “Vatranus” – Gemara Chulin 98 A. The Talmud states, “Ein ha’olam mikayeim elah bishvil mi sheboleim es atzmo bisha’as merivah.” The world exists only in the merit of one who controls himself during a dispute. Imagine that the foundation of our planet, the one we are trying so hard to conserve and develop is dependent upon how much endurance we can demonstrate. According to the Talmud, it’s not the ozone layer that’s threatening our world but the
4) Demonstrating a united front when disciplining children. Mutual respect as a baseline and model for children. It is best when parents work out their differences in private. However, those moments are bound to surface. You are now onstage and can prevent an explosive argument by conferring with your spouse rather than being an adversary. Use questions rather than statements and pretend you are a spectator rather than an irate parent.
5) Knowing when to compromise and how to navigating the non-negotiables. When the especially volatile topics surface, be the first to offer a compromise. A common contentious topic may be: “Where are we going to spend Yom Tov?” Well, explore the options: his parents, her parents, at home, with friends. Express your understanding of the other’s desires and attempt to arrive at a mutually agreeable plan. Be sure to underscore the options with which you are comfortable and flexible with before firmly rejecting an idea.
6) Sharing mutual goals. How do you complement each other’s life mission? The spiritual glue is when two souls are united in their journey and strive to achieve parallel standards. This does not mean that both are at the exact same level. Avoid having religion as the wedge in the relationship. Rather, identify a particular role model or spiritual leader and be willing to consult with a qualified Torah authority when a halachik question arises.
7) Making together time a priority. Date night is essential to sustaining the connection, attraction and intimacy. It may be difficult to schedule that together time outside the house. Yes, it takes effort, especially those who have small children; arranging the babysitter, ensuring homework is done, keeping to the bedtime schedule and detangling from their grip when it is time to leave. No cheating with takeout or candlelight dinner, it does not offer the same opportunity for closeness. Keep in mind, it was that initial time and space that you shared away from your “comfort zone” that brought the two of you together.
8) Protecting against enmeshment from extended family members while balancing Kibbud Av Vaem. People in roles of authority i.e. parents, grandparents or others on the family hierarchy like being heard and acknowledged. Many times they are not seeking your feedback. We often make the mistake of believing that every opinion requires a response, with elaboration and justification. You may disagree with family member’s opinion; do you need to share your opposing view? Rather than involving yourself in a power struggle, you can state that you appreciate/understand their genuine concern and you will strongly consider their input. You don’t need to express your contrary thoughts, especially if it will be disregarded. Tochacha has very strict and specific guidelines and may be inappropriate.
9) Role sharing – When help is needed, jump in and do the job. “Lo Alecha Hamlacha Ligmor V’lo Ata Ben Chorin…” From the most traditional to the most liberal marriages, no one is exempt from pitching in. If you see your spouse struggling, offer to lend a hand. Many times the fear of failure prevents a spouse from offering to help. It is worthwhile to take the risk, try your best and do better next time rather than fail to show that you care.
10) Offering unconditional support and encouragement through challenging times. Life is cyclical and the wheel of fortune turns. We don’t know what Hakodosh Boruch Hu has in store. Avoid the blame game; don’t try to speculate with - shoulds, coulds and woulds. There is a reason we can’t know the future, so trust in Hashem. During times of struggle be empathic, lower expectations, offer support and most important…offer a listening ear.
[1] Numbers 24:5. That verse was originally uttered by the evil prophet Bilaam, who had been hired by Balak, the Moabite king, to curse the Israelites, but who instead blessed the Jews, at God’s command.
[2] We Jews have been blessed with the strength to overlook the shortcomings of others and focus our attention on improving ourselves.