The definition of empathy is the ability to mutually experience the thoughts, emotions, and the direct experience of others. It is commonly described as the ability to “walk a mile in someone else’s shoes” or “see things from another perspective.” It goes beyond sympathy, which is a feeling of care and understanding for the suffering of others. Psychologists today are studying the complex pathways of human development and pinpointing the critical role that empathic expression plays in making us into fully formed human beings.

Our amygdala is the fastest processor in the brain, and it is how we perceive information from our feelings about others. Our first and potentially strongest emotional response is sometimes one that we learned earliest in life, perhaps as young as four or five. When we begin “thinking about our thinking” and “thinking about our feeling,” we begin to teach our amygdala new responses, which allows us to move into a stronger and more mature state of connection with others.

Empathy is not agreement or approval. It is simply understanding, the intuitive sensing of another person’s underlying feelings, wants, and psychological dynamics, i.e., “What would I be feeling if I were him or her?”

Empathy is the expression of four basic skills: Pay Attention, Inquire, Dig Down, and Double Check.

Paying Attention is like a spotlight, illuminating its object by consciously choosing to give your attention over to someone for a time, your spouse for example, to listen without judgment and stay focused on the other’s experience, rather than the circumstances or your beliefs.

Inquire is asking open-ended questions to the other party.

Dig Down is getting deeper into the softer feelings of hurt, fear, or shame that are underneath the other person's anger.

Double Check is making sure that the message was received. Otherwise, the other party will continue to broadcast the message louder until s/he feels heard.

If empathy is one of the most important aspects of creating harmonious relationships, reducing stress, and enhancing emotional awareness, why is it sometimes so hard to do? Why can it be easy to feel empathy towards some people but hard to empathize with others, especially those we don't like or with whom we disagree? Why do we have trouble empathizing with ourselves at times? Sometimes, in particular situations, our natural ability and desire to empathize can be diminished.

What Stops Us From Empathizing?

There are a number of things that get in the way of our utilizing and experiencing the power of empathy.

·         Feeling Threatened: When we feel threatened by another person or a particular situation, it's often

hard to empathize. This makes perfect sense from a survival standpoint (i.e., if someone is trying to hurt us, we want to protect ourselves rather than have compassion and understanding about where they're coming from). However, we often feel "threatened" based on our own fears, projections, and past experiences, not by what is actually happening in the moment or in a particular relationship or situation. Whether the threat is "real" or "imagined," when we feel threatened in any way, it often shuts down our ability to experience empathy.

·         Being Judgmental: When we are judgmental, we decide that we're "right" and someone else is

"wrong." Doing this hurts us and others, cuts us off from those around us, and doesn't allow us to see alternative options and possibilities. We live in a culture that is obsessed with and passionate about being judgmental. Many of us are highly trained in this destructive and damaging "art." When we're being judgmental about another person, group of people, or situation, we significantly diminish our capacity to be empathic.

How to Become More Empathic

There are many things we can do and practice to increase our ability to feel, experience, and express empathy for others, situations, and ourselves. Becoming more empathetic is one of the best ways we can enhance our relationships, reduce our stress level, and feel good about ourselves and our lives in an authentic way.

Here are a few things you can do and think about to become more empathic:

·         Be Real About How You Feel: When we're willing to get real about how we truly feel and have the

courage to be vulnerable about it with ourselves and others, we can liberate ourselves from the negativity, projections, and judgments that mask what's really going on. When we're in a conflict with another person or dealing with someone or something that's challenging for us, being able to admit, own and express our fear, insecurity, sadness, anger, jealousy or whatever other "negative" emotions we are experiencing is one of the best ways for us to move past our defensiveness, and authentically address the deeper issues of the situation. Doing this allows us to access empathy for ourselves, the other person or people involved, and even the circumstances of the conflict or challenge itself.

·         Imagine What It's Like For Them: While it can sometimes be difficult for us to "understand" another

person's perspective or situation (because we may not agree with them, haven't been through what they've been through, or don't really want to see it through their eyes), being able to imagine what it must be like for them is an essential aspect of empathy. This is not about condoning inappropriate behavior or justifying other people's actions; it is being able to understand what they’re going through. Whatever the situation, the more willing we are to imagine what it's like for them, the more compassion, understanding, and empathy we'll be able to experience towards them.

·         Forgive Yourself and Others: Forgiveness is one of the most important things we can do in life to

heal ourselves, let go of negativity, and live a life of peace and fulfillment. Forgiveness has to begin within ourselves. When we forgive ourselves, we create the conditions and perspective to forgive others. The more willing we are to forgive ourselves and others, the more able we'll be to empathize authentically.

Suzanne Collins is the author of The Hunger Games Trilogy, which was recently made into a movie. The book is about 24 teenagers who are forced to fight to their death in a dangerous outdoor arena. The fight is called The Hunger Games, and the purpose of the games is to provide entertainment to the Capital which is lavishly rich. This society has lost touch with empathy and humanity by using people’s pain and suffering for entertainment. In contrast to the lack of empathy the residents of the Capital had, Katniss, the protagonist, had to save herself by using her empathic skills to engage the people around her who could save her life. Through her ability to connect empathically to others, she and her partner, Peeta, survived. Similarly, reality TV shows seek to turn people’s lives and human pain into entertainment. In the process, the characters are dehumanized, which slowly extinguishes our empathy for them and makes us lose our moral bearings.

In working with couples, I help them identify their own emotional experiences within themselves, before being able to identify them in each other. I teach couples how to actively listen and reflectively listen to each other in order to develop empathy. When couples can express themselves subjectively and specifically, honestly owning their feelings, desires and looking at the positive, they are more effective in forming close connections. Common barriers to communication, such as mind reading, judging, and stonewalling, hinder empathic dialogue. A good practice would be where one partner tells a story and the other partner retells the story accurately, capturing thoughts, feelings, and meanings.

Think about the important relationships you have in your life. Can you see where feelings of being threatened, or acting judgmentally may stop you from being empathic? Do you realize that putting aside your own feelings for the moment, and stepping into the other person’s shoes (in order to understand their feelings and perspectives) can bring you to softer and kinder feelings toward them? The more willing you are to acknowledge this, own it, and take responsibility for it (with compassion for yourself), the more you'll be able to expand your capacity for empathy.

Sarah Kahan, LMSW provides psychotherapy to individuals, couples, adolescents and their parents. For further information please contact her at 347-764-9333 or [email protected].

Sarah is also the Coordinator of the Simcha Program @ OHEL Children’s Home and Family Services. Individuals interested in the program should please contact her at [email protected].