There are big “hates” and smaller “hates” -the big hates need to be contained, the lesser ones examined.

First let’s see the big. People hate those who perpetrated violent crimes against them or loved ones; they suffer with injuries for years; think: murder, rape, assault. Or even less extreme brutality such as financial crimes: a tenant who wouldn’t move out and cost the landlord thousands of dollars and possibly the landlord couldn’t pay the mortgage; my relative was swindled of half a million in merchandise; a boss who owes substantial back wages and never pays.

These are crushing blows, with multiple negative results upon the lives of the victims. How victims hate the perpetrators! It can’t be understated. Nevertheless, (though it may be justified) the “hate” takes an extra toll on the victim, even above and beyond the actual damage. It frays nerves, stresses relationships, triggers depression.

We obsess about the chutzpah of it all! (And what if the criminal here is religious? Oy veh!) We can’t get past the hate! But we need to-it unnecessarily doubles the pain and suffering and gets us nowhere. It fills our minds with thoughts of revenge, and intolerable anger.

For years we might wish –‘If at least he would feel bad about what he did!’ Or-‘If only she would apologize!’ Here is a link to a gripping talk by the victim of a paralyzing accident who goes a long way to realize that apologies means nothing and the work to feel better is completely within the self: http://www.ted.com/talks/joshua_prager_in_search_for_the_man_who_broke_my_neck.

And while we are not always in charge of events, we can be (more) in charge of our minds, which are the control room for our physical responses.

But frequently, hate- for lesser ‘crimes’- is a way that the mind masks insult and injury to our pride, it’s a way of assigning blame to others. We character assassinate and condemn to avoid dealing with issues or taking responsibility.

When I moved onto my block, I became the next door neighbor of a non-Jewish man, seen as a nasty person, difficult to get along with and even anti-Semitic. Being next door to him, I felt I needed to try to have a normal relationship. It turns out he was happy to talk, and be friendly. Over the years he has given us some valuable gifts and I’ve grown to respect him. He explained to me that he came to feel like an outsider on a block he lived on for 50 years and that he feels ignored and hates Purim because people block his driveway. I leave him a shlach manos basket now every year and he hasn’t complained since and has proven himself to be a reliable neighbor. He was misunderstood unfortunately, leading to people hating (or at least disliking) him.

I know of 2 siblings in their 50s that are currently not on talking terms because one failed to attend an out of town simcha that the other one made. It doesn’t sound like a tragic crime, but even after many years of friendship, brotherhood, people can be hypersensitive and blow things out of proportion. Is this an example of “hate”? Yes it is. They have reduced their love considerably from the baseline emotions.

The Torah says that Hashem saw that Leah was hated (by Yaakov). The commentaries say that Yaakov actually loved his wife Leah very much, but compared to how much he loved Rochel, it wasn’t enough, she felt badly and the Torah calls this “hate”.

Clinically, when clients express disdain or contempt, the therapist should sense an opportunity to explore. Hate comes in many styles, when we blame others for our misfortunes, disappointments, we might not use the H word, but it’s just another form of it.

Upon examination it might be that a person hates because they are insulted or are just nervously protecting their self-esteem. Bullies are haters with fragile self-confidence who dominate others to bolster themselves. Dislike for others (to use a softer, more palatable term) is a way we dominate them in our minds. Hate helps us hide from our emotions and avoid taking responsibility for them. Nothing really changes but mentally we beat them up. We even have to “remember’ to hate them, to avoid them or not say good morning or keep them off our invitation lists. It’s a burden to hate someone.

Ironically we hate and love people at the same time. Crazy but true. In the Torah, Avrohom Aveinu gave only bread and water to Yishmael upon sending him away because he hated Yishmael for his bad ways. Yet when Hashem tells Avrohom to slaughter ‘the son he loves”, Avrohom replied that he doesn’t know which one-Yitzchak or Yishamael-because he loves them both! (from Rashi) We experience pain within loving relationships due to inability to deal with irritating behaviors, causing resentments (hatred) that endure for years. It’s important to identify our dislikes and see what stories they hold, so that we can process them.

Tzvi Fried, LCSW is a rov and psychotherapist in Flatbush. His email is [email protected].