Addiction necessitates secrecy, double lives, and self-denial in order to allow self-destructive behaviors
to persist over time. The addiction can survive so long as addicts can sustain their dual Jeckle and
Hyde existence. Once the behaviors are exposed, discovered, or revealed by loved ones, the addict
can no longer easily maintain this lifestyle, and is often forced to confront the unpleasant truth about
the reality he/she is living. Over time, addicts need to develop sophisticated methods of covering up
behaviors, excusing irresponsibility, and lying about unacceptable parts of their lives. Their double life
allows their self- denial to continue, keeping others unaware and unable to confront and challenge the
addict. It is therefore imperative for people to know some of the common signs that signal various forms
of addiction. This will ensure that such behaviors do not perpetuate and proceed unchallenged.

Only after discovering the truth about her husband’s three-year long sexual addiction did Aliza finally
begin to put together the patterns in her husband’s behaviors that had never quite felt right to her. Her
husband’s repeated stories about why he took so long to come home from shul never seemed real and
genuine; neither did the way he was so private and overprotective about his cell phone, claiming his
clients needed confidentiality. Only after discovering all the inappropriate contacts that her husband had
made, and websites he had frequently visited did things begin to make sense to her.

Among the various addictions, sexual addiction in particular ranks especially high in how challenging
it is to prove that someone is an addict. Sex addiction is comprised of a group of behaviors all related
to obtaining some sort of “high” from a sexually stimulating activity without ever ingesting any actual
substance. There are also no clear and noticeable side effects that follow the behavior, as is the case
with other addictions such as chemical and alcohol dependency. In addition, technology offers many
convenient options for sex addicts to easily maintain secrecy, when compared with other addictive
behaviors. However, despite these factors, there are still discernible patterns that can serve as yellow
flags to help friends and family raise realistic concerns worthy of looking further into. Some of the
behaviors commonly associated with sexual addiction are:

• Excessive Privacy: Is there a repetitive pattern of excessive time spent alone? Do phone calls
often need to be taken privately? Does the person often hang around the computer after
everyone else goes to bed? Are they very protective of their phones and/or email accounts? Do
they repeatedly change the webpage or shut down the computer when others come into the
room? Do they often bring their wifi devices into private settings such as the bathroom for long
periods of time?
Poor Excuses: Has there been a pattern of inappropriate material found on the computer history
with repeated excuses given, such as, “it must be from the babysitter who came.” Does the
person respond to any possible allegation made against them with anger and rage? Is there a
general pattern of lying?

• Reaction-Formation: Is the person overly focused on issues of sexual morality, more so than
on other areas of spiritual well being? (Those who stringently and excessively speak out against
immorality are sometimes struggling with these issues themselves.)

• Missing Money: Is there a lot of ambiguity with regard to explaining expenditures? Are there
questionable credit card charges? Is there much more effort and/or money spent on looking
more attractive of late?

• Spouse Relationship: Have they recently made new kinds of sexual requests? Do the requests
make their spouse feel uncomfortable and awkward? Has there been a strong change in
levels of interest in sex (in either direction) within the marriage? Is there a lack of emotional
connection during times of intimacy? Has the level of religiosity in general changed as of late? Is
there a general lack of trustworthiness and dependability others have in them? Do they get very
angry if their sexual needs are not met on demand by their spouse? Do they make justifications
for being sexual with their spouse even at times when it is prohibited by halacha? Do they insist
on exposing others such as their spouse to sexual stimuli they may not be comfortable with?

• Joel knew that things were off when he began noticing his wife’s excessive amount of time spent on
social media sites, along with the intense privacy that she demanded in managing her different online
accounts. Before long, Joel took these concerns seriously and confronted his wife directly, sharing with
her how uncomfortable her current use of social media made him feel. The boundary that they both were
able to agree upon was that she would not hide the identity of anyone that she “friended” on these sites.
After looking into the identities of various contacts she had made, Joel realized that that his wife was
having several ongoing emotional relationships with other men. He confronted her with these facts, and
was able to eventually get her to begin the process of counseling she so desperately needed in order to
help her deal with her problematic relationships.

Although none of the behaviors above can be taken in isolation as evidence that sexual addiction is
present, the list can still be useful in identifying patterns of behavior which, when seen together with
several other factors, can create a strong reason for concern and further inquiry. Despite the fact that
the common response of family and friends is to downplay the matter, overlooking and minimizing such
signposts may be enabling such patterns of behavior to continue unchallenged. The first step we must
take in helping our loved ones is to deal with our own denial that something questionable or destructive
can be going on. Only then can we begin to take a more honest and responsible look at the writing on
the wall, and confront what may be lurking just behind the facade.

Binyamin Tepfer PhD, CSAT-S, CMAT, is a clinical psychologist in private practice in the Five Towns and
Brooklyn. He specializes in marriage therapy, treating infidelity, and counseling for sexual and multiple
addictions. He can be reached at 516-426-5415, [email protected], and www.binyamintepfer.com.