As Printed in the Jewish Press on July 29, 2011
By Laura Freiman, LCSW
J-date, Frumster, Saw You at Sinai, singles retreats, good old fashioned shadchans, etc. There are a variety of services dedicated to helping singles meet their basherts. Yet, what services exist to help the newly engaged or married couple? Once we find our mate, it is assumed that we should instinctively know how to cohabitate, communicate, and negotiate with the opposite sex. As if this is in any way intuitive! Marriage is hard work and nobody quite prepares us for it. Finding one's mate is just the tip of the iceberg.
When I tell people that clients in my practice include couples in pre-marital therapy, I often encounter skepticism and even cynicism. What I hear most often is that there must be something really wrong if they already need help. I couldn't disagree more. Research has shown that premarital education is associated with a 31% decline in the likelihood of divorce, lower levels of destructive conflicts, and a higher level of commitment to spouses [1].
Divorce rates are staggering and evidence suggests that marital distress negatively affects physical health, mental well-being, and work productivity [2], not to mention the devastating effect on children. The mounting social and economic costs of divorce have prompted state and federal government agencies to implement programs to promote marital stability, including a focus on pre-marital counseling. Many members of the Catholic clergy have actually made premarital counseling a mandatory prerequisite for marriage. Although the form can vary, most premarital education covers the following core topics: communication skills, conflict resolution, finances, and parenting [3].
Marriage is central to Jewish life. Given the efficacy of premarital intervention, it is surprising that we as a Jewish community have underutilized and perhaps even stigmatized its use while non-Jewish groups have been proactively addressing the issue. Where is this focus in our community? While chosson/kallah teachers and rabbanim play a significant and indispensable role in the halachic aspects of marriage preparation, there is often a lack of focus on relationship building skills.
All too often I see couples in therapy 5, 10, 20 or more years into their marriage who are entrenched in destructive relationship patterns. Often, a second or even third generation is affected by these dynamics, as children inevitably bring remnants of their parents' dynamics into their own relationships. I can't help but wonder how many lives might have been different had these couples sought help early on in their relationships.
Let's take the example of Josh and Sarah who came to see me after 15 years of marriage. Recently Josh had started coming home late and had begun fraternizing with other women. Sarah was feeling hopeless about their marriage. When we explored the history of their relationship, they both discussed doubts they had about their relationship early on. Their courtship was brief, and well-meaning friends and family assured them everything would work out. Over the course of therapy, they began to acknowledge that their initial concerns never really dissipated, and due to the anxiety they both had about dating and finding a shidduch, they might have sacrificed finding a true connection with someone for the sake of comfort and convenience. Though they respected each other, they shared few common interests and their physical attraction to one another was weak. They ultimately reached the painful conclusion that as they had matured and evolved as individuals their plutonic relationship was not deep enough to sustain the marriage, and so they parted ways.
Had Josh and Sarah come to see me earlier, one of my first questions would have been about their "love story". This includes how they met, what initially attracted them to one another, and how they each came to the conclusion that he/she was the one. Couples' answers are often part of the diagnostic process, and it is enlightening to hear both what they say and how they say it. Do they light up as they excitedly talk about their first encounter? Do they sit back slouched in a chair and describe their love story without passion? In counseling, Josh and Sarah's doubts would have come to the forefront immediately and we would have dissected them. One effect of premarital therapy is that it helps couples examine, and either confirm or alter, their decision to marry. Research shows that approximately 5-15% of couples who go through a premarital program decide not to marry [4]. Though calling off an engagement is painful, it is quite possible that it ultimately would have led to a more satisfying future for Josh and Sarah.
Next, let's look at the example of Chani and Moshe. They initially came to see me due to concerns about their 8 year old son who was throwing explosive tantrums. When I inquired about possible stressors in the home, they acknowledged some marital discord. As we explored the dynamics in the marriage, it became apparent that there was a repetitive pattern of Chani's inflexibility when making major life decisions. Though Chani was quite reasonable in most aspects of her life, she was impenetrable in negotiations with her husband. In response, Moshe grew hopeless about their ability to resolve their differences as a couple. Finally, in one session Chani revealed to Moshe her long-standing resentment regarding their wedding day. While Chani had always wanted a larger affair, Moshe and his family preferred an intimate, less extravagant wedding celebration. Chani ultimately succumbed, and resentful, she had vowed to herself that she would never again give in to Moshe. Moshe was dumbfounded by the realization, totally unaware that this one event could have had such far reaching consequences. Following this revelation, they were able to discuss what had happened and how deeply hurt Chani had been. Through therapy, Chani learned to be more direct when communicating her needs and Moshe learned to listen and validate his wife's needs. Once they were able to communicate more openly, they were then able to better negotiate their differences. Subsequently, their son's behavior improved dramatically.
Had Moshe and Chani come for premarital therapy the entire trajectory of their marriage may have been altered. Wedding planning is often a huge stress for engaged couples as it can be the first time a couple is forced to divide their loyalty between their family and their partner. Often the way these differences are initially handled sets a precedent for future interaction. In addition, their son was unconsciously enlisted by the family to act out in order to distract his parents from dealing with their marital discord. This is a common scenario seen in family therapy which can be prevented when couples deal directly with the issue at hand.
All too often I see marriages built upon long-standing resentments, doubts, and simple miscommunication. Unfortunately, many couples don't seek help until they reach a crisis and sadly, it can sometimes be too late. Within the Jewish world we need to not only get past the stigma of pre-marital therapy, but to actively encourage it. Newly married couples receive the blessing to build a bayis ne'emun, an everlasting house. With pre-marital counseling we can do something monumental in helping couples achieve this goal by turning hindsight into foresight.
Laura Freiman, LCSW is a NYS licensed clinical social worker who specializes in marital and family therapy. She maintains a private practice in Manhattan where she counsels individuals, couples, and families. She can be reached at 917-407-0057 [email protected]
[1] Johnson, C.A., Markman, H.J., Stanley, S.M. (2006). Premarital Education, Marital Quality, and Marital Stability:Findings From a Large Random Household Survey. Journal of Family Psychology, 20,117-126.
[2] Stanley, M., (2001). Making A Case for Premarital Education. Family Relations, 50, 272-280.
[3] Murray, C., (2006). Professional Responses to Government Endorsed Premarital Counseling. Marriage and Family Review, 40, 53-67.
[4] McCord, H.R., (1997) Strategies to strengthen marriage: Perspective of the Catholic Church. In T. Ooms (Ed.), Strategies to Strengthen marriage: What we Know, What we Need to Know (pp. 73-79). Washington, D.C.: The Family Impact Seminar.