It is worrisome when our children are less than truthful; however, for ages six and under, what is perceived as lying by the adult is simply childish immaturity. In fact, it would be best for parents to avoid the term “lying” lest it turn into a self-fulfilling prophesy. Let me explain what I mean.
Children, particularly those younger than six, have a very hard time differentiating between fantasy and reality. So, for example, a child may say to his mom that he was student of the day, or that there would be a big party the next day – because he wishes it were so. Similarly, he may come to school and tell his Morah that his Bubby is coming on Sunday and taking him to the zoo. This kind of confusion of fantasy and reality is typical, age appropriate, and no cause for concern. When it is clear that the child is conflating the two, a simple clarification like: “You wish there were a party” or “You really want to go to the zoo,” is enough to highlight for the child that there is, indeed, a difference between wish and reality.
It is important to recognize that the child’s intention is not to connive, but rather to turn his wish into a reality. This process for the child is simply wishful thinking, done out loud. As we mature, we learn by experience and trial and error that, other than in fairy tales, wishing does not make it so. However, introducing the idea that the child’s wishful thinking is lying and hence wrong is setting up an unhealthy dynamic – labeling the child’s normal developmental process as “bad.” And as we all know, unfortunately, thinking and expecting a child to be “bad” is often the precursor to his becoming “bad.”
In addition, young children [ages 3-6] often make up whole stories or tell tall tales. This is quite typical because children enjoy hearing stories and making up stories for fun. When children blur this boundary between fantasy and reality, we call this confabulating, the creation of fabulous, fantastical tales to amuse one’s self and others. Again, confabulation is a normal process in early childhood and parents need not worry that it will develop into lying.
As children grow up, however, they often do what adults do – use lying to escape punishment. This is a fairly ubiquitous behavior where people use lying in a self-serving way: e.g. to avoid doing something or deny responsibility for their actions. An example of this might be blaming traffic for your lateness when, if fact, you just overslept. Though lying to escape consequences is not strictly lying [i.e. the intent is not to lie but to get out of something], it can become habit-forming, nevertheless. We all know children, and adults, who would just as soon feed you a lie as the truth – for no perceptible reason.
If your child is embarked on this course of behavior, it is important to be proactive and not provide opportunity for such manipulation. Instead of saying to the child with cracker crumbs on his mouth: “Did you take crackers before dinner?” pre-empt his denial and let him know that you know the score. A calm: “No nosh before dinner” states your rule without providing the temptation to lie. Rather than ask your daughter if she davened when you know that she hasn’t, simply hand her a siddur and say: “It’s time to daven.” In this fashion, you forestall the lying and do not allow it to become habit forming. Certainly, the last thing you want to do is set up and entrap your child, creating a situation where you ask your child for a truth that is known to you, but where he would be tempted to lie. If you know the truth, state it up front, rather than catching him being “bad.”
One area of lying that is actually fostered and encouraged by parents and teachers is the social lie. The child is encouraged to tell moribund Aunt Toby that she “looks nice,” but never “so old.” He is also told to thank children he never wanted to invite for coming to his party. While we as adults understand that these half truths [or white lies] may be in service of humanity, good will, and shalom, the difference may not be as clear to the young child who is concrete and black and white. All he may understand is that sometimes it’s okay to lie and sometimes it’s not, and he’s not always sure of the difference! Such situations need to be handled with great skill and acumen in order to convey to the child that it is not the half-truth that we support, but rather the respect for others.
Though lying in the 0-6 range is no cause for concern, it may be quite a serious matter for the older child who knows better. If your child is engaged in a pattern of lying, a consultation with a mental health professional is advisable.
Dr. Sara Teichman, PsyD maintains a private counseling practice in Los Angeles, California where she sees children, adolescents, and adults. In addition, she is the Clinical Director at ETTA at OHEL. She is the author of a bi-weekly parenting column, Child in Mind – Ask Dr T in Binah Magazine. Dr. T also gives parenting lectures, in person and by teleconference, all around the United States. To contact Dr. Teichman, email her at [email protected].