One of our primary roles as parents – and one that takes up much of our energies, thoughts and time – is to make sure that our children eat healthy. Few things are more painful for parents than watching their child grapple with their relationship with food. Sometimes it is a slight nuance noticed, a sudden dislike for a certain food, or the disappearance of a cake, all of which appear to be accompanied by reasonable explanations. ”Oh, it gives me a stomachache,” or “I’m really trying to eat healthy now; that’s not good for you.”

What happened, we ask ourselves, to that time when food preparation and partaking of meals together seemed to be… well … less complicated? Remember that time? When all we had to do was prepare the food, and everyone ate (with allergies, preferences and the like taken into consideration) and more or less enjoyed the experience? What happened to that time when things seemed to simply flow?

When a child first begins to develop an eating problem, some of his/her actions might seem a little odd – yet still justifiable. We might even take steps to accommodate what seems to be within the norm of “today’s kids.” Okay, she has decided to stop eating bread. She says it gives her gas. Or: Wow, five bags of cookies gone in a few days… Bless those growing kids. As other behaviors starts to creep in, your child’s actions may seem less and less justifiable. You notice a week’s worth of lunches in the garbage, “I’m not hungry” is heard more frequently, and your child distances him/herself from family meals.

Whether these changes come about slowly or seem to land with a big bang, something tells us that maybe we need to look at all this a bit differently. Questions of self-doubt can arise: “But I am such an attentive parent; how could this be happening to me?” or ”All that talk about eating disorders in the news today – that just isn’t my family.”

It is at times like these when parents need to make their child’s wellbeing of uppermost importance. Observing, caring, and acknowledging that the child needs some help here is the first step. Sitting back and hoping that they’ll outgrow this with time will not do anyone any good.

So where do we begin? Any attempts at initiating a conversation seems to only lead to huffiness, arguments, and storming off, and ultimately, a day or more of uncomfortable silence. Where do we turn when there seems to be something taking over control of our child, and there doesn’t seem to be a positive role for us as parents?

When parents consult with a knowledgeable professional, they are often able to step back and look at the story differently. How can we recognize experiences in our child’s world that might be influencing the problem? What is this behavior saying about the place the child finds herself in? Such conversations with a professional who is sensitive to these issues might generate some new ways of talking to your child – voicing your concerns, yet stepping away from criticism. The child needs to feel that her parents can be trusted to help guide her through this challenge, which she may not fully understand herself.

When it becomes very clear to parents that the problem has taken control of the child – influencing his/her attitude toward herself, her behavior, and relationships – it’s time to have him/her see a professional. Parents should know that they are not giving up, but rather, seeking emergency help for their child and the family.

I am often called by concerned parents who have turned to me for help concerning their child’s eating problem. Most of the time, the problem being presented is described in terms of behavior related to food. When I meet with the child, very often eating issues don’t surface for a while in our conversations. As a Narrative Therapist, I am listening for the stories that are important to the child in his/her life. What’s going on in this teen’s life that are being expressed through disordered eating? There are a lot of pressures, expectations and realities out there today for our kids. Sometimes the feeling that disciplined eating provides is simply the control they need to give them a sense of security. It can be catalyzed by a diet gone to extremes, the media, genetic propensity, depression, an upcoming simchah, negative comments, amongst other factors. How is the teen experiencing her life that this unwelcome guest was allowed to take such a strong hold?

It’s important to note here that this article is not addressing extreme weight loss or gain to the degree that hospitalization is urgent to save a life. It is my hope that the signs and nuances mentioned here can bring awareness on the part of the parents to be vigilant, before danger signs cry out.

With careful, curious questions, we can discover hopes, dreams and desires. We can find out what’s getting in the way of fulfilling some of those. Together, the child and the therapist can create a new story that allows for the client’s own voice to play a more dominant role in her life. Often we invite a parent, or parents, into a session so that they can “witness” the voice of their child from an outsider’s perspective. (I remember once having seven “guests” in a session, including grandparents!) They learn how to listen to their child’s experience of her life – from her perspective. The child is also able to listen as a witness to her parents’ experience of watching her behavior. It can often be an emotional experience to watch a new kind of “hearing” being created in families. When a child begins to feel heard, it opens possibilities in other, more positive, behavior.

Taking a position of non-judgment on the part of the therapist can help create a feeling of trust for the client. Just telling them what they need to do “to get better” doesn’t give them the feeling that they are being heard. Together with the therapist, learning new ways of experiencing life, with all the ups and the downs, can become the client’s narrative of hope. When that begins to happen, the child can begin to stand up to the negative presence that food has become, and create a more positive story for herself. It takes a team – therapist, client, parents and family – and often a dietician. Families often become stronger as a result of these new positive stories, and are able to support the client’s steps toward a better life.

Ellen Cornfeld is a Jerusalem-based Narrative Therapist in private practice. She works internationally through Skype and phone conversations. She can be reached at [email protected] and at 052-450-0048.