Few things are more painful for parents than watching their child grapple with their relationship with food. Sometimes it is a slight nuance noticed- a sudden ‘dislike’ for a certain food, or the disappearance of a cake. All seem to have what appear to be reasonable explanations …..”Oh, it gives me a stomach ache,” or,”I’m really trying to eat healthy now-that’s not good for you.”

What happened, we ask ourselves, to that time when food preparation and partaking of meals together seemed to be…well…less complicated?   A time when we prepared, everyone ate( with allergies, preferences and the like, taken into consideration ) and more or less enjoyed the experience…a time when things seemed simply to flow.

At first some actions might bring on curiosity on the parents part-seem a little odd. We might even take steps to accommodate what seems to be within the norm of “today’s kids.” “OK – she has decided to stop eating bread- she says it gives her gas.” “Wow- five bags of cookies gone in a few days- bless those growing kids.” Other behavior starts to creep in. You notice a week’s worth of lunches in the garbage. “Not hungry for dinner” becomes more frequent, and your child distances themselves from family meals.

Whether these changes come on slowly or seem to land with a big bang, something tells us that maybe we need to look at all this a bit differently. Often questions of self-doubt can arise- “But I am such an attentive parent- how could this be happening to us?” ….”all that talk about eating disorders in the news today- that just isn’t MY family.”

It’s times like these when parents need to make their child’s well-being of uppermost importance. Observing, caring, and acknowledging that my child needs some help here is the first step. Sitting back and hoping:   “They’ll outgrow this-let’s give it some time!” might seem like the safest thing to do at the time, but……Where DO we begin? Any attempts at initiating a conversation with our child often lead to huffiness, arguments, and storming off- leading to a day of uncomfortable silence. Where do we turn when there seems to be something taking over control of my child, and there doesn’t seem to be a positive role for me, the parent?

When parents consult with a knowledgeable professional, they are often able to step back and look at the story differently. How can we recognize experiences in our child’s world that might be influencing THE PROBLEM? What is this behavior saying about the place your child finds herself in? Such conversations with a professional sensitive to these issues might generate some new ways of talking to your child – voicing your concerns, yet stepping away from criticism. The child needs to feel that her parents can be trusted –trusted to help guide them through this challenge they might not fully understand themselves.

When it becomes very clear to parents that the ‘problem’ has taken control of the child-influencing her attitude toward herself, her behavior, and relationships- it’s time to have your child see a professional. Parents should know that they are not giving up, but seeking emergency help for their child and the family.

Ellen Cornfeld is a Narrative Therapist in private practice in Jerusalem. She works extensively with eating related problems.