Tali Moskowitz, LCSW
Imagine your boss has sent out an email with the intention of motivating his employees. There will be a productivity competition, and the winner will receive a monetary reward. This may bring out a competitive part of you and motivate you to win the prize. How do you think this competition would cause you to feel toward your co-workers? Perhaps you would be tempted to hide your knowledge and strategies to give yourself an edge. You may begin to feel negatively toward coworkers with whom you previously enjoyed working. Most likely, this project would likely foster a negative energy among all the employees and create a rigid and hostile working environment.
Now, imagine that your boss has sent out a different email with the same intention-- to motivate employees to be more productive. But this time the task is to pool together the resources and specialties of each individual, with a monetary reward given to each employee as long as the overall productivity of the group reaches a certain level.
How might you feel toward your colleagues under these circumstances? Working together toward a common goal might lead you to feel warmer toward, them and even feel better about yourself. It would likely change the work environment and foster a friendly and positive feeling toward your coworkers. Friendships might form or strengthen.
Let's now turn our attention to parenting. It is very tempting for parents to motivate their children by unintentionally encouraging competition among siblings. When children are young, parents may be tempted to motivate their children by involving them in a "race" against their siblings: "Let's see who can brush their teeth and get into bed first," or, "Let's see who can get their shoes and jacket on first."
This works in motivating the children to do what is expected of them. On the other hand, it causes the child who did not "win" to feel disappointed and discouraged, and could lead to anger or jealousy toward the other sibling.
Another way that parents inadvertently encourage competition between siblings is by comparing them. This may be done outwardly and openly, or more subtly. One child may be easier to raise, have an easier temperament, or have an easier time in school. Parents may talk about one child's achievements to the other, or directly to the sister or brother who is not achieving in the same way, saying, "Why can't you be more like your brother?" or the like.
Many factors contribute to sibling rivalry, such as birth order, temperament, stage of life, age difference, and sex of the siblings and sibling roles. Nevertheless, parents can encourage cooperation instead of rivalry in order to improve sibling relationships. Although we live in a culture that values competition, research shows that competition can produce negative relationships.
Muszafer Sharif, one of the founders of Social Psychology, conducted an experiment to determine which conditions lead to harmony or to friction between groups of people. The study was conducted in a boys' summer camp setting by arranging conditions that fostered either competition or cooperation between two groups of boys. To produce friction between the groups, the researchers arranged a tournament. They found that when one group could only achieve its goal in a game at the expense of the other, the two groups became hostile toward each other. Within each group, however, solidarity and moral and cooperation increased. The study showed that just as competition generates friction, working toward a common goal produces harmony.
During the second phase of the study, after the groups had already developed hostility toward each other, both groups were set up to cooperate by needing to solve a series of crises together, such as needing to fix a breakdown in the water supply. When the boys on the two teams had common goals, which they could only resolve by working together, they were no longer hostile toward each other and they started to get along. The boys then began to form friendships with the boys from the "opposite" team.
The results of this experiment can be applied to siblings. When children compete, it creates hostility. On the other hand, when brothers and sisters are encouraged to work together to achieve common goals, they get along better. Here are some tips borrowed from Siblings Without Rivalry by Adele Faber & Elaine Mazlish, along with others that I have found helpful in working with kids and in raising my own children:
Resist the urge to compare: Instead of comparing one child unfavorably to another, communicate the behavior you see and what you expect from the child.
Children don't need to be treated equally--they need to be treated uniquely: Instead of giving equal amounts, give according to each individual need. Show each child that he or she is loved uniquely. This will give them the message that they don't need to compete with each other to receive love.
Avoid setting up competition between kids: It may motivate them in the short term, but can lead to hostility and cause them to feel like there are "winners" or "losers." Instead, have them race against the clock or race as a team against you.
Encourage cooperative activities: The goal is to help kids work together as a family. You can set up group activities that encourage cooperation, such as group chores: i.e.: setting the table together or doing group projects that encourage them to jointly.
Encourage siblings to resolve their own conflicts: Try not to get involved in children's arguments. If the situation is heating up, intervene by encouraging them to work together to find their own joint solution.
Most importantly, enjoy your children. Children can be a lot of fun -- and childhood is so short.
Tali Moskowitz is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker and has been providing psychotherapy to children, adolescents and families for over 16 years. She has a private practice in Hewlett, NY.