By Nancy Zwiebach


These words, commonly quoted within the Jewish world, carry great meaning. As a Self Esteem Facilitator and psychotherapist, it is my goal to help people understand that caring for oneself is a mandate and that, like the instructions given by flight attendants on airplanes, you must care for yourself first if you are going to do your best in caring for others.

Anyone who is a parent experiences, along with the joys and pleasures, some frustration, disappointment, anger, and even exasperation.  This happens when we are parenting the “average” child with “average” needs, so you can only imagine what is going on with the parents of  a “special needs” child.  Needless to say, it can be overwhelming, leaving one feeling drained, depleted and maybe even defeated.

So, how can these parents “be” for themselves - maintaining a feeling of self-worth and self-renewal- while fulfilling their responsibilities to their children?

I’d like to share a story offered by a woman participating in a process group I was facilitating for a group of special needs parents.  The theme of the group was “why aren’t I getting what I want out of life?” This woman said she had been at a desperate point, and told her husband she didn’t think she could go on.  It wasn’t just dealing with all the children and their needs, there were additional life issues pulling at her, and she was just too overwhelmed.  Her husband asked, “if you could do one thing, whatever you want, what would it be?”  She said what she wanted was impossible - they lived in Chicago, it was the middle of the winter, and she had no time to do it.  “Well, what is it”, he asked.  “I’d like to learn how to scuba dive.”Soon after, for their anniversary, he presented her with a gift certificate for scuba diving lessons given by an instructor in Chicago.  Included was his promise to be at home with the children when she took her lessons.

There are several key factors at play here, but the first and most salient one is knowing what you want.  In fact, one of the first concepts I try to introduce to the people I work with in my psychotherapy practice is to ask themselves, “what do I want?” It is amazing that this idea is so infrequently considered.  It is instilled in us to do what someone else wants or needs us to do.  So, if you are a parent feeling somewhat overwhelmed and needing some relief, first think about what it is you want.  What it is you’d like to do that would help you feel you’re getting away and nourishing your own soul?  It doesn’t have to be as exotic as scuba diving.  I knew someone who would always feel replenished by taking a long, quiet bath, with the requirement that everyone would forget she was in the house. It could be taking a walk, perusing a mall, having a cappuccino with a friend or by yourself.  The main feature should be a sense of self - “this is for me”.... and “I deserve it - I’m worth it”.

Another piece that could be important is finding a support group.  It could be a group specifically formed for people with a common situation (i.e., “Parents of Autistic Children”, “Parents of Developmentally Disabled Children”, etc.) which is the best idea if you are looking for concrete suggestions and advice. If you just want a place where you can express yourself freely with the guarantee of confidentiality, then a general on-going group would work as well.

Being in a group, feeling safe and connected, has a way of helping people evolve, acquire the ability to set boundaries, and achieve their goals.  While, eventually, all of these changes in yourself should have a positive impact on the others in your life, the time spent at the group, and traveling back and forth is your time to express yourself and to be with your thoughts and feelings.  Keeping the cell phone off for as long as possible adds to the richness of the experience.

So, who’s going to watch the kids while you’re doing this? If a spouse is not available, think hard -- perhaps another family member or a neighbor.  There is the option of paying for a babysitter/caretaker, but if that is not a possibility, often high school students are seeking “chesed” or community service hours. Organizations might offer respite services, or perhaps you could “swap” time with another person who is also looking for some time off.

 Music is a great spirit lifter and tension reliever.   Make sure to have some CD’s available so if things are feeling really difficult, you can play them.  Affirmations and visualizations are very powerful tools to help people change their mood, attitude, and approach to the situation itself.

Affirmations are strong, positive statements that are made in the present tense, as if what you want is already happening.  Develop 5 -10 such statements and repeat them to yourself whenever time may arise (usually showering, driving, or preparing dinner work well.  A good way to start would be the following four generic affirmations:
        I am competent
        I am creative
        I deserve respect
        I own this day

Visualizations are an intentional effort to create a scenario in your mind for a specific purpose.  The purpose might be to help your calm down.  If so, think about situations in which you feel relaxed and peaceful.  It could be a luxurious bath, being at the beach, or walking in a green field of wild flowers.  Make the visualization as specific as possible, and, with it, of course, recognize how relaxed you are and how good you feel.  This can be done any place you can be alone for a few minutes-- even, if necessary, in the bathroom.  These little two minute vacations can really help restore a sense of peace and the ability to go on.  You can also use these to prepare for a challenging situation.  Again, make them as specific as possible and see yourself being as exactly as you wish to be.  Each time you do this, it’s a rehearsal for the actual event.

According to David Katz, M.D., one of the best and easiest ways to manage stress is deep breathing.  Not only does deep breathing reduce muscle and emotional tension, it can also temporarily lower blood pressure and heart rate, delivering a quick rush of additional oxygen to cells. There’s even some evidence that suggest it can reduce food cravings, improve sleep quality and boost energy levels.  Sit in a comfortable chair, feet flat on the floor, close your eyes and breathe deeply, letting all the air out on expiration.  It’s best to do this for 3 to 5 minutes twice a day.

The bottom line is that caretakers have to accept and believe that they are worthy and that they are not only entitled, but obligated to take care of themselves. Thus, they can allow themselves to do what needs to be done.  You also must accept that all of your feelings are legitimate, including anger, resentment, fears, etc.  They are all part of the human condition and are involved in being a whole person.  In accepting that fact, you accept yourself and come to recognize that you, as you are right now, are exactly enough.