Note: This article was orginally published in Jewish Echo Magazine's monthly column "Ask The Therapist."
Dear Therapist,
I am a married mother of three. Recently my husband has become very busy at work and doesn't have much time for the children. He says it's a passing stage, because as he builds his business he will be able to hire more help. In the meantime, is there anything I can do for my children to compensate for my husband's lack of involvement and presence in our home?
Shira S. Mill Basin
Response:
Join the rest of the world of wives who are struggling with a similar scenario!
Before I address your question, I want to point out how our lives in modern- day America has evolved, and with that the expectations of how a family ought to function.
In our grandparent’s era, and for some others, even their own childhoods with their parents, roles were very clearly defined. Women stayed at home to care for their children and home; men worked to support their families. It was normal for fathers not to see their families from weekend to weekend, as their hours were long and often came home after their children were asleep. Women cooked and cleaned and cared for the children when they woke up during the night; men worked long hours and returned home to eat a home-cooked meal and read the newspapers.
Enter a whole new world, in which roles have blurred and overlapped, and now you have women in the work force pulling their weight, and men shlepping out the garbage and taking turns with bottle-feeding and washing dishes.
No longer is any job exclusively either a man’s or women, whether it is in or out of the home or work environment. Men sew, cook, and bathe babies; women are CEO’s, sales reps, and business owners.
I am not commenting on whether or not this blurring of roles has been beneficial overall for the woman, the man, and the children, because as this is a social construct that is here to stay, it is a moot point, and becomes irrelevant. I am merely stating how family lives are structurally different than fifty years ago and thus its impact on today’s expectations of our spouses.
So naturally, a woman today may expect her husband to pull his weight in the home with housekeeping duties, errands, and child care; while a husband may similarly assume his wife should be working to help support the family. Although, depending on whether or not the woman is working out of the home, these expectations can vary.
Enter your question.
Just for a minute imagine if your grandmother or great grandmother would have ever thought to entertain that kind of complaint!
It would have seemed absurd.
But it’s a very real complaint of our society, and you know what? It’s a wonderful thing that a father is such an integral part of his family that his absence is missed. It reminds me of an essay I once read called Daddy Doll Under the Bed. The writer, humorist Erma Bombeck, wrote that when she played with her dolls, she had no idea what role the father doll had in her doll family and simply shoved him under her bed until it was time to put the dolls away. It was only when he died when she was still a child, and his absence affected her so deeply was she able to identify the importance of his presence in her life.
So in response to your question. I have no easy answer.
With three children, it appears you have been married a least a few years (unless you had triplets nine months after your marriage!). And it appears that this is a new problem. Meaning, until now, your husband has been home to share in the family’s quality time. And now he is telling you that it’s temporary because he is engaged in a new business. So I wonder why you have reason to doubt him when he says it is temporary. Is it that he has only now begun to work and you are afraid that with this new chapter of his life, other things will change as well? Is it because you feel stuck at home, resentful of his new interests and wish you can also leave the house and find satisfaction—and a salary—outside of your family?
It would be important to examine your own fears and if they are valid within the context of his previous patterns of involvement.
If there are no underlying issues and based on your husband’s past behavior you can rely on his reassurance that it is only temporary, then take a step back and stop worrying. If you are not managing without his help, figure out what you need to help yourself. If you are concerned about your children’s feelings and need in your husband’s absence, then there are a number of things you can do.
First assess what those needs are. Of course, we want quality of time as well as quantity. But either is effective if there is a foundation of a good relationship. So think out of the box.
If your children are old enough, let them talk about missing their father, validate and acknowledge their difficulties (if they even realize or have any) but stand by your husband in a unified way.
Allow the children to call their father when they come home from school. Skype or Facetime by bedtime. Let your son practice his reading while his father is in the office. Do bedtime while the computer is on Skype so that your children feel their father’s presence. If those are not possible, let your husband leave notes for the children to read when they come home from school. Spend Shabbos and Sundays doing only enjoyable activities. No studying with the child or doing homework unless it’s what the child enjoys doing with his or her father.
If Sundays are work days as well, be creative about Shabbos time together. Use the meals as a fun time to talk, to sing, to share. There’s a great box I once picked up called “Shabbat Questions,” and although my teens always rolled their eyes, my pre-teens loved picking question cards out and talking about themselves in context of these questions.
If your husband has been a hands-on father until now, he won’t suddenly morph into this anti-family businessman. (If he has, that needs to be addressed professionally as there may be more than meets the eye).
More than anything else, your children will pick up your own vibes about your feelings towards your husband and his behavior. If you are okay with his new endeavors, supportive, proud, and positive, your children will follow your lead. Their relationship with their father may undergo changes, but it won’t be impaired. In response, with no recriminations and guilt trips from you, your husband will be free to do develop his relationship with his children on his own terms, with his new work realities.
What can you do to compensate?
You should not feel the need to compensate. That indicates that you feel something is wrong.
There is nothing wrong about a man trying to build a business to provide for his family and build his own sense of worth and competence in the process.
You continue being a good mother and support your husband. You don’t need to take over his relationship with the children; your greatest gift to them is forming a harmonious unit with your spouse.
If there are specific areas that your husband’s absence is affecting, for example he used to learn daily with your son, then address the issue without making it into an issue. Hire someone to learn with your son each night instead. Let your husband do it via Skype or phone. Or, encourage your son to do it with a friend or independently. Whatever works. And it will work if you don’t make it a problem.
And of course, as the therapist I am, I would remiss not to add here one more thing: Whatever I have addressed here is the normal, functioning couple and family faced with changes that they must learn to navigate to be successful. However, if you feel that somehow the situation with your husband doesn’t feel right, that you are supportive, you have been dealing with his new work schedule positively, that you have made necessary changes, but yet…Maybe he is not owning up to his share of the problem, he is not working with you to find solutions, and is not the invested partner and parent he used to be (or you realize now, never was), then trust your gut and it’s time to seek out outside help. A rav, a mentor, the principal of your child’s school, a therapist.
And get Daddy Doll out from under the bed!
My book, Therapy, Shmerapy, can be found in bookstores or online