Question: I'm a little embarrassed to admit it, although everyone who knows me is aware of it, but I’m afraid of flying in an airplane. Until now it hasn't been a problem because I just didn't fly. When we were newly married, I flew to Florida on vacation with my wife a few times but even that petered out over the years as it just wasn't worth it to me. Israel was out of the question so my wife ended up flying herself. But now my son is in yeshiva there and I am thinking of my friends whose married children live there and I realize that it's important that I be able to fly and without any fear. I mentioned it to my doctor who recommended I see a therapist who does Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT). You talked about it in your column and I want to know what it is and how it can help me.
Phobias are fun! Okay, maybe not for the person experiencing them, but for the therapist treating them. Of course I am speaking here tongue in cheek as phobias are no fun for anybody, and as a therapist I am serious about my work. What I mean to say is that of all the work I do as a therapist, treating the symptoms of a phobia is often the most straight- forward and rewarding because of the immediate and quick results obtained.
To define phobias, they are fears that are not based on rational thought or reason. And there are many of them: fear of flying, fear of mice, fear of driving in tunnels, fear of spiders, fear of closed spaces like elevators (that one is mine!), fear of open spaces, and fear of dogs are just some that we suffer from. Many of us have phobias and we don't necessarily go to therapy or feel motivated to do anything about because they don't interfere with our lives too significantly. So if a woman is afraid of mice, or a man is afraid of dogs, unless her home or his job is overrun with mice or dogs, it is sufficient to avoid these mammals instead of expending the effort to rid oneself of the fears.
If, however, as you have found, avoiding the fear becomes an obstacle to enjoying life on some level, or is interfering with normal functioning, then there is a strong motivation to get rid of the phobia.
While it is true that some phobias appear to be rational (i.e. I am afraid of to fly because the airplane can crash and I can die), they are not truly so because the same reasoning can be applied to driving a car, boating, or walking across the intersection; and yet people who are afraid of flying engage in these other activities without any hesitation. There are some people who have a cluster of phobias and will avoid many activities as a result; but even those sufferers recognize that they are acting abnormally; just they also feel—often despairingly—that they have no recourse to behave differently.
I don't like to push the idea of therapy on anyone, so I will tell you plainly that if you are indeed self motivated, and can work independently, there are self help books that will teach and guide you through the techniques of CBT that will effectively help you overcome your fears with only the price of a book. If, however, you are like most people, that you need the support and expertise of a professional, then CBT is for you. But know that CBT it is generally a time-limited therapy and symptom relief is experienced quite rapidly.
CBT works quite simply: The therapist will help you confront your distorted thoughts which feed the irrational fear; and then use daily homework assignments in between therapy sessions, that are designed to change the behavior. The first part addresses the cognitive part; the second the behavioral. The purpose of the homework is to desensitize you to your fears with gradual exposure.
Some phobias have their roots in traumatic incidents. For example, you may be afraid of all dogs, even the most tame, tiny dog on a leash because as a child a dog bit you; or afraid of driving in a tunnel because you were once driving when a fire broke out in the tunnel trapping you for a few hours. The good news is that it is not necessary to address the traumatic incident, or even to remember what caused the phobia in the first place, in order to get rid of it.
In order for a course of therapy to be successful in alleviating the symptoms of a phobia, all that is usually needed is a client that is sufficiently motivated to engage in therapy and commit to the assigned homeworks.
The best thing you can do for yourself is to book tickets to visit your son, and then find a therapist (or a self help book) who will help you overcome your phobia of flying by the time you need to drive out to the airport!
FIRST PUBLISHED IN ADVICE COLUMN OF JEWISH ECHO MAGAZINE
My book, Therapy, Shmerapy, can be found in bookstores or online