Note: This article was originally commissioned for a magazine put out by LINKS, an organization that supports teens who have lost a parent(s).
“I'm fine! There is nothing wrong with me!”
“I don't need therapy. Maybe my mother/father/sister/brother needs therapy.”
“Therapy is for crazy people and I'm not crazy.”
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Any of those sound familiar?
Or, maybe these?
***
“What does anything have to do with my mother/father who died? It happened so long ago!”
“Leave me alone! I can do it on my own!”
“How is therapy going to help me anyway?”
Look, I'm a therapist, so of course I think therapy works. And maybe you are not crazy, but my kids definitely think that I am. So whatever I write here, don't believe a word. Now that we cleared that up, maybe it's possible for me to sneak in some information that may be helpful to you to decide whether or not you can use therapy, how therapy can help you if you decide to take the plunge, some things to know about therapy; and lastly, what to do if you actually want therapy and your parent is not thrilled about the idea.
So, first off, let me confess that I believe that therapy is essentially for healthy and normal people. Of course, crazy people come to therapy too, but crazy people also buy ice cream but that doesn't mean nobody else should do it (especially me, because I adore ice cream and nobody is going to stop me from getting on line to order chocolate with caramel topping and colorful sprinkles!).
And secondly, I'm also going to tell you straight (although it's bad for business) that not everybody should go to therapy, or even needs it. And the only person who can decide that is you. Not your friend, sister, teacher, or parent. Because even if they do decide it for you, and stuff you into the chair in the therapist's office, therapy can rarely help someone who is forced to go. So you've got to make the choice.
I'm a big believer in knowing the facts before making decisions. Like, before you decide which camp or seminary you want to attend, find out if it's right for you instead of following everyone else, acting like the sheep that just follows the rear end of the sheep walking before it. I, for one, do not like following anyone's back; but if you do, you can stop reading right here. I said STOP READING RIGHT HERE. Okay, I guess if you are still reading this, I was wrong about you. You like knowing facts too before you make decisions. Great, we might just even get along (do you like chocolate ice cream too?).
Because you are reading this in the LINKS magazine, I'm going to assume that your parent has died. And maybe that is why you are confused about why other people keep telling you that you need therapy; or, you kind of feel you would like to try therapy.
Nobody needs therapy just because a parent died. It's sad, yes. It's terrible, yes. It changes your life in many ways, yes. But you need therapy automatically, NO.
So let's try to answer the big question: How do I know if I need therapy?
In the case of someone whose parent died (I know I should maybe use the word lost or niftar, but who are we kidding? Nobody got lost, because then they can be found; and using a Hebrew word to mean the same thing doesn't it make it less painful. So I prefer to use words precisely. And not to avoid or pretend that things are better—or worse—than they really are), there are two reasons to see a therapist. One of them is for grief counseling. It's a specific kind of counseling that addresses the grief process when you experience the death of someone close to you. It's usually best when this type of counseling happens soon after the death; but sometimes it can happen years later. Grief counseling is needed when you have not gone through the grieving process in a way that helps you to memorialize your parent while adjusting to the new normal of your parent's physical absence.
The other kind of counseling you may need, is when there is a specific problem that is interfering with your life and you can't seem to solve it on your own. The weird part, is that even if this problem happens years after your parent died, it may actually be connected to the fact that you don't have a mother or father even if you are not aware of any connection.
Which really answers very simply this very important question of how-do-I know-if-I-should-go-to-therapy. You may benefit from therapy if you don't like the way you are feeling or behaving and you don't know how to change it. You may want to try therapy if you liked the person you were before your parent died, you don't like the way you are now, and you don't know how to find that old you again. A warning sign that you need therapy is if you know you are not who you were before your parent died, but you are happy being miserable because if you stop being miserable you worry nobody will remember your deceased parent anymore.
You may choose therapy if you feel lonely or isolated and feel you can't talk to other people, like friends or family about how you are feeling. You may feel you can't talk to friends because they just don't get it. Or you don't want to burden your surviving parent with your worries because you feel bad to make them worry about you, or your parent remarried and you feel disconnected. Or, it looks like your siblings are reacting very differently to your parent's death and would not understand you anyway. Maybe you wish you can talk to someone, but you think your thoughts are crazy, or bad, or not frum, and don't feel safe telling anyone what you are thinking. Like maybe you are angry at your parent for dying. Or wonder if you believe in Hashem if He can make a child an orphan. Or you feel embarrassed that you don't have a parent.
Sometimes, the reason you can't talk to your parent about some of your thoughts is because the parent that died was the one you were close to and you never really got along with is the one that is alive. Maybe it's the opposite. You always fought with the parent that died, you secretly wished he or she would die and you feel guilty—even though you know rationally that it can't be—that your angry thoughts made it happen.
You may want to consider therapy if you can't sleep at night, or you have nightmares. You may have lost interest in doing the things you used to do, or things most of your friends like doing (here the interest can be lost, because yes, it can be found again!). You don't want to get out of bed in the morning, you dread school, or you can't concentrate in school or stay focused when you are sitting with a bunch of girls having a conversation. Maybe you have physical symptoms that seem like the ones your parent had before she or he died. You can't stop worrying about death, and dying, about getting sick too; about your other parent getting sick. Maybe you have having a hard time adjusting to your parent’s remarriage and the stepfamily that came along with it.
Yes, it's possible that some of these examples have nothing to do with grief about your parent's death. Maybe you just hate your stepfather because he is just impossible to get along with or your stepsister is just plain bratty and spoiled. Maybe you hate school because you have no friends; or, no matter how hard you study you keep getting lousy marks and feel stupid. But believe it or not, even those can be related to a parent's death even if the death happened when you were just a baby.
When someone loses a parent, the normal thinking that the world is a safe place gets totally undone and that person stops trusting that the world is a safe place and that others can be trusted. So you may find it hard to make friends because you don't trust anyone. You can't ask favors from a friend or exchange confidences that is required of any friendship. You have low self esteem and you think nobody is even interested in being your friend. You have a hard time sharing your feelings because you imagine everyone thinks your thoughts and feelings are stupid; or that only you have problems. You worry all the time about fitting in. You don't invite friends over for Shabbos because your mother leads the Shabbos table. You don't come to school for the mother-daughter breakfast because you don't want your grandmother or stepmother there instead of your mother; and worry that girls will ask you questions, or laugh, or whisper behind your back. It becomes easier to build your life without friends, but that makes you more miserable than anything else; but you don't know how to be a friend anymore.
Low self esteem, inability to express feelings, inability to concentrate in school and getting low grades, getting perfect grades to the exclusion of having fun, social issues, loss of interest in food, irritability, excessive worries and fears, often feeling sad and crying, feeling different, lonely, and isolated, feeling overly-responsible for everyone, feeling guilty, refusing or hating to ever ask for help....all these are often grief-related.
So, if you have lots of friends, do relatively well in school, are involved in all kinds of interesting activities, are excited about camp, seminary, or career possibilities, have a great relationship with your parent and siblings, love school, have no problem telling a teacher that the reason why your father is coming to PTA is because your mother died, and have some real funny memories about your mother that you share with your friends on occasion, then you absolutely don't need therapy.
But if maybe you are reading this and recognizing some parts about yourself here. Maybe you are thinking, “Hmm. She is a therapist, and probably crazy like all therapists are, but maybe she's onto something. Maybe I even like chocolate ice cream too.”
And maybe you are up to the next question: “Okay. Fine. Let's say I am ready to even maybe think a teensy-weensy bit that maybe, maybe, maybe I need some help. How can therapy help me?”
Let me make it clear that therapy cannot do anything to you. The only person that can help you, is you, yourself. Therapy can just open the door to show you how you can change and be the person you want to be.
Grief counseling makes you aware of the stages of grief (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance) and where you may have gotten stuck that doesn’t allow you to function as a friend, daughter, sister, or student the way you would like to. Grief counseling helps you complete the tasks of grieving that although your parent has died, he or she remains alive for you in a very special way that only you can keep her/him alive; and you can adjust to a new normal that does not include his/her physical presence.
Therapy can help you identify areas in your life that you are not happy about, explore your upside-down thinking that makes you act or feel in ways that are not helpful or appropriate; and teach you skills to make changes.
Most importantly, therapy gives you a safe place with a safe person in which you can talk about things you are unable to talk about with other people in your life; and that kind of experience will eventually enable you to do the same outside of therapy—with your parent, classmates, siblings, and iy”h with your husband.
If you are one of those people who think talking is over-rated, all I can tell you is that stuff you keep inside of you is like bubbles in a seltzer bottle that you shake up. It's just waiting to explode. But just like you, the seltzer bottle doesn't know it either.
I'm sure you want to know how to find a therapist that's right for you.
Well, it's a personality thing. If you click with a therapist within the first two times you meet her, she's right for you.
You can call RELIEF (718.431.9501), which is an frum agency that knows every single, bingle, jingle therapist around and you tell them what you are looking for, and why, and they will give you numbers of possible good matches in your area (or far away from your house if that's what you prefer). You can also talk to people at LINKS who can refer you to a competent therapist.
If money is a problem, then you can go to a clinic that takes your insurance so therapy is free. RELIEF can give you a number of a clinic in your area. You get your own wonderful therapist that you see every week, but it's a little different than going to a private therapist because there are many therapists in the same building and you may sit in a waiting room for a few minutes until your therapist comes to get you.
And, if you would like, there's nothing wrong with talking to the therapist on the phone for a few minutes to see if you if you feel comfortable with her. Ask her if she has done grief counseling or worked with teenagers or young adults. Ask her how she plans on helping you. Ask her how long therapy should take. Ask her how old she is or how long she has been a therapist. Tell her how nervous you are about coming and you think you might cancel the appointment before you get there out of nervousness. Ask her what is her policy is about confidentiality. Ask her what she would be telling your parent about the sessions (if you are over eighteen the answer is NOTHING unless you give written permission, even if you parent is paying; if you are under eighteen, the answer varies), if anything.
When you ask all these questions, you may not like the answers, but you should like the way she answers you. Honestly, not defensively, warmly, and above all, offering you hope.
When you finally get into therapy, give yourself time to acclimate both to therapy and to the therapist. Give yourself at least 6 sessions before giving up, although you should only go back for a third session if you like the therapist. If after the second session, things don't click for you, she turns you off, or you feel uncomfortable going to her; don't give up on therapy, but do look for someone else. And don't be afraid of leaving therapy because you don't want to insult the therapist. That's just as silly as buying a dress you don't like because you feel bad for the store-owner. No therapist is perfect for everyone, and it's not your problem if she's not working for you.
Sometimes, once you are in therapy, you begin to have second thoughts. You begin to feel worse than you felt even before you started. You feel jumpy and irritable; and you begin to think you made a mistake in coming to therapy. Maybe you even feel guilty about spending your parent's money, making them drive you to therapy when they are so busy with other things that you can't relax about going to therapy.
In six sessions, you should begin to notice some relief from your pain, hope that things can change, and the formation of a beginning relationship with your therapist. It is normal to begin to feel somewhat worse before you begin to feel better. The bubbles from the seltzer bottle are beginning to escape, and sometimes they make such a mess all over the place! But then things simmer down, and you can still feel the fizz of the seltzer but it's not shpritzing crazily anymore.
And if something is not working, don't leave therapy without trying to work it out. Tell the therapist why you are frustrated or disappointed or angry. This process of working through the problems of therapy is a great learning experience for the other parts of your life in which you need to work things through.
Hey, here's one last thing we didn't talk about: What if you want to go to therapy, but your parent is against it? Tough question.
You can try writing down the reasons you want to go to therapy and have conversation with your parent. You can give your parent this article and point to the stuff that resonated with you. You can speak to people at LINKS to get involved to help you talk to your parent or find a teacher or principal who can advocate for you. If you want something enough, there's a good chance you can get your needs met.
Okay. I think I talked enough. Now it's your turn to talk. Talk to friends, to family members, to your parent, to your grandparent or aunt or uncle or sister or brother. And if you can't talk to any of them in a way that makes you feel better, then reach out for help. And eat some chocolate ice cream with caramel topping and colorful sprinkles. It's sometimes the best therapy!
My book, Therapy, Shmerapy, can be found in bookstores or online