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Note: Previously published in the Ask-the-Therapist column of the Jewish Echo Magazine July 2014
Thank you for the great advice you give in your Ask-the-Therapist columns. My question is as follows: We have never gone to the Catskills for the summer as there was always that cost factor. My wife really wants to go this year as many friends are there and she feels it would be great for the children. I’m concerned about the cost and being bored during the week. I know it’s common to go. What’s the right thing to do? Thank you.
On the surface, your question seems very straight forward and easy to answer. Assuming that you and your wife have a functional marriage, I would imagine that the two of you would have a conversation about the reasons why she wants to go to the bungalow colony and then you would express your concern about the cost.
She may cite many different reasons why the bungalow colony is important, or at the least, beneficial. The children need a change of scenery and environment so they can develop different aspects of their talents, social life, and interests. Children who do not do well academically can shine athletically in the bungalow colony. They can pound their energies into building clubhouses, swimming, and hiking. Children who struggle socially find the safety network of the bungalow colony crowd comforting and other children more easily accepting of differences. It is also easier to monitor the social difficulties children face when it appears in the bungalow colony environment and intervene directly and effectively.
Children expand their social capacity not only with other children, but with the adults they come into daily contact. Somehow in a bungalow colony, these adult-children interactions are comfortable and comforting in ways adult interactions in school are often not. The relaxed attitude in the colony, where it doesn’t matter if you don’t know the chumash or gemorrah in day camp, when it doesn’t matter if you oversleep in the morning, when it doesn’t matter what or where you eat supper, where everyone’s bungalow becomes your own, and everyone’s mother is a little bit yours, gives the child the ability to relax into a strong support system, developing a stronger self that can go back to school in September with more confidence and backbone.
Daily exercise, instant access to socialization, late night games and sleepovers, relaxed mothers, ability to be mostly independent, freedom to run around in a safe environment, opportunities to engage in physical activities, a new support system and variety of friends are all the benefits of a bungalow colony. Ask any adult who has grown up in the old-time bungalow colonies and they will tell you the long term benefits, over the ten months of school and winter, over the lifetime. The experience is incomparable.
And of course, your wife will tell you that it is her vacation as well. After the rigors of parenting children over the school year, the relaxed atmosphere of the bungalow colony, with a mother’s ability to socialize all day and night long, while still tending to the children underfoot, is a huge gift. Meals eaten outdoors, children occupied all day, the ability to watch the little ones while sitting in a circle with other mothers. Swimming, walking with friends, sitting on a beach chair snuggling with a little one, the best of mothering comes out in the summer months where there is nothing that must be done, no homework, no gourmet meals, no getting up for school on time, no complaints from teachers, no pressure. The parent-child relationship can be developed and expanded in new and loving ways.
And it’s unbelievable how children who are eligible through the Board of Education for special services like speech, occupational, or physical therapy; tutoring and counseling, can usually receive these services upstate by practitioners who also are in the Catskills for the summer!
So these may be things your wife will tell you about why she wants to go the bungalow colony.
Then the two of you would discuss finances. It does not appear from your question that the cost is prohibitive, only that it is a concern. In that case, I’m sure your wife can point out where the bungalow colony can be cost-effective. The children don’t need to go to camp full summer. The day camps in the city are usually more than double of that in the mountains; she won’t need as much cleaning help, if any is even available. She may forgo the Florida trip she usually takes with her sisters in the winter to afford this. She may suggest you not arrive with your car each week but come with a brother in law, with a neighbor, to save on gas and tolls.
As you can see, I am a big fan of the bungalow colony.
But it is just as clear, that if whatever I have just written is not applicable to your family, that the cost would take its toll on you and your family, then this conversation would make your wife regretfully realize that the two of you cannot do the bungalow colony this year, and you will work out other ways to make this summer meaningful and relaxing. There are many families who have wonderful memories of summer, not necessarily in the mountains.
It is your second comment, how you are worried about being bored while your family is away, that caught my attention as a social worker.
While it is a positive aspect of your relationship with your wife and children that being away from them leaves a hole in your day, I would like to present this attitude in a different light.
Partners in marriage, to use a metaphor borrowed from a colleague of mine who works with couples as I do, should be like two different colored pieces of clay rolled out into long snake-like forms. It is possible to both roll them up so that they look like one entity made up of two colors, but also can be unrolled so that each color remains distinctly apart from the other. Marriage is not blue and yellow mushed up into a green blob; it’s blue and yellow separate, yet together.
You would feel claustrophobic (as do many men!), if your wife would wrap her life around you, demanding your attention when you come home from work because she has been stuck home with the kids all day long and is desperate for adult company. You would prefer that she fills her day with satisfying activities that when you come home, you can unwind with the paper, just vegging on the couch, or bouncing a basketball in the driveway. Then the two of you can meet as friends who have much to share together as a result of a day well spent individually.
I imagine that if you feel bored without your family, you have not learned to define yourself as a person outside of your work or wife/children, in a way similar to women who do not define themselves as people outside of their children and husbands. Both, such a man or woman, would become quite boring to the other spouse who is actively engaged in life (unless the busy spouse only likes to hear him/herself talk and is uninterested in hearing the other).
A short-term solution to your boredom would be to come up every Tuesday night to the bungalow to break the monotony of your week alone without her. Skype with your children, talk to your wife on the phone.
But most importantly, why not use the summer without them to do things you have kept pushing off all these years? Joining the gym? Socializing with old friends? Taking courses or classes that interest you like guitar or sky-diving lessons? Seeking a chavrusah in learning?
Become someone that your wife misses each week because you are interesting to be with, to talk to. If being by yourself makes you feel bored, create a person who finds his company interesting; then chances are others will too!
Enjoy your summer, whether in the mountains or the city, by modeling for your children how to use their free time constructively in ways that rounds out their character and makes them interesting to themselves and others.
My book, Therapy, Shmerapy, can be found in bookstores or online
From reading your previous article about the client - therapist relationship I gleaned much about the caring and thoughtful therapist that you are. I found that article to be informative and impactful, and enjoyed your descriptive writing style. Thank you for allowing your readership a "peek" into the mind of a therapist. I was therefore saddened by the response you gave to the husband who asked whether sending his wife to the colony is a good option for his family. You addressed his wife's need to benefit from the experience her and the children would have, and one can clearly see how strongly you feel about the benefits country life offers children and their mothers. However, your response to the husband's concern to keep his family close by, as he may "be bored during the week" without them, left me confused. The hidden message I picked up on, was a husband who may be fully aware of the dangers men face when away from their families and his desire to not become affected negatively. I understood the husband's question to be a cry for help, a cry you left unanswered. As a young girl, my family spend summers in the colony reveling in the country life. Yet, as a married woman and a mother, I choose to stay home. Am I depriving my kids of the experiences I had? Possibly. But, my focus has now shifted to prioritize my husband and my marriage and I feel the benefits my children will glean from that, far outweighs the benefits of country life. I send my younger ones to superb day camps and the older ones to sleep-away camps and use the summer months to focus on my husband and enhancing our relationship. With only two kids at home, we have the opportunity to send them to their grandparents or relatives for the weekend and spend intimate shabbosim together, enjoying our status as "empty nesters". During the week we spend lazy mornings savoring our coffee as we discuss our days agenda and arrange to meet up for lunch dates. Although we are both working, the summer months allow for a more relaxed schedule and on days were the day camp kids go away on overnight trips, we cherish the opportunity to go out without worries of getting the children into bed and arranging for a babysitter. I choose this lifestyle because as a married woman I have seen the negative effects of women being away from their husbands. I have seen friends of mine whose relationships suffer greatly, yet are not willing to give up that lifestyle. How can they stay home, when all their friends are going away? How can they deprive their children of that experience? So instead, they sacrifice their marriages. A wise mentor of mine taught me that nothing in life comes without working hard for it, and working on my marriage should be my #1 job. I take classes from renowned experts, and followed the guidance of my Rebbetzin and daas torah in choosing to forgo the bungalow colony lifestyle, a recommendation many experts dealing with shalom bayis issues today advise. I have learned that the bungalow colony lifestyle is not as idyllic as a young child perceives. It can often times be detrimental to a marriage. Do you know how many men who stay home, without their wives and kids around to keep them grounded, fall into bad habits and unhealthy situations? Do you realize the dangers to shalom bayis when a man is able to be intimate with his wife, yet she is away for the entire time and when he does come up for shabbos the social life of the colony setting does not allow for private time alone? Do you realize how many men find other past times, that are not as wholesome as "taking a course in guitar or sky-diving?" I wish "seeking a chavrusa" is what many men would do...it's seeking other partners that is actually the reality. Choosing to stay in the city for the last few years, I've gotten the opportunity to witness first-hand what many of the men are doing for pastimes. Lonely, bored men are not men that need to find other interests so that their wives will "miss them" and find them more interesting. Lonely, bored men need their wives and families near by, to love and connect with. Children will benefit from summer vacation no matter where they are. As long as they are off from school, and attending good camps, they will have the opportunities you describe to thrive and grow. And when the new school year comes along they will be reenergized and refreshed. I can't say the same about the marriages that suffer the fate of husbands and wives being away from each other for so many weeks. I can't say the same about bored men roaming the streets searching for a home-cooked meal and a warm smile to greet them after a hard days work. Please, ask the Gedolim, as well as shalom bayis and kallah teachers, if the advice you are giving is wise. Especially in the world we live in today, the best way to be a good role model to our children is for a wife to be home with her husband.
It is not a simple answer to tell him to find other activities to keep him occupied and that it is healthy for their marriage to have periods of separation. I am a kallah teacher, as well as run marriage classes throughout the year. I deal with the effects of what goes on in the country.
Being that this man and his wife have never experienced the bungalow colony life as it is TODAY; being that there is a financial factor and his wife feels it would be good for the kids but he feels he would be “bored†– this question should have therefore been posed to their Rabbi, and not a social worker. It is very obvious from your reply that you are a fan and an advocate of bungalow colony life – and if it works for you and helps to solidify your marriage, then this is YOUR personal experience. However, you did not EQUALLY address the dangers of going to the country in our day and age. You painted a very lovely picture of the country but also neglected to warn this man about the dangers that lie ahead as well. While it is true that children and adults flourish and develop when they experience a change of scenery and experience other interests – this does not mean that they cannot do so as a family unit, rather than seeing their parents apart the entire week. Children can hike, ride their bikes, enjoy the summer vacation while coming home at the end of their day to their parents and develop in quite the same way if not more. You cited some examples that were a bit unsettling. I am a lecturer and a life coach and deal with all kinds of difficulties that occur as a result of situations that take place during the summer – as well as its lasting effects. Being someone who always strives to learn from our Torah Ha’kedoshah and its values, while trying to forward those values to my talmidot – it is very unsettling for me when I read words like, “…The relaxed attitude in the colony, where it doesn’t matter if you don’t know the chumash or gemorrah in day camp, when it doesn’t matter if you oversleep in the morning, when it doesn’t matter what or where you eat supper, where everyone’s bungalow becomes your own…, gives the child the ability to relax into a strong support system, developing a stronger self that can go back to school in September with more confidence...†Chachamim in the Gemara discuss the dangers of the summer months. It is a time where the attitude of man loosens and his behavior may shift from the rest of the year. They discuss the dangers of a “relaxed†atmosphere and how during the summer months when boredom kicks in – the yetzer hara lurks in the midst just waiting to do his work. “…It doesn’t matter if you don’t know the chumash or gemorrah in day camp?†It should definitely matter! These are Jewish children who are sustaining the world with their learning…†“…It doesn’t matter if you oversleep?†It should matter! Yitgaber ka’ari – we want to teach our children to be just as diligent in the summer months and wake up just as early in order to engage in all the wonderful aspects of life. The words you write actually creates a child that may lose his structure and the parents will actually have a more difficult time reeling him in when September rolls around. I think your key words here are “independence and freedom.†And while the Torah Ha'kedoshah wants each person to feel like an individual and to have the freedom to choose – but, we are all ONE unit ultimately, and each of our actions and lack thereof has a tremendous effect on the rest of the nation. And at the same time our choices within the framework of that freedom have to be ones that Torah connected; The same Torah that beseeches and commands us to be kedoshim – to hold on to all of the kedushah – ESPECIALLY during the summer months. You are right. If this man asks “any adult who has grown up in the old-time bungalow colonies,†he may get a positive response. Remember however, that it is the “OLD TIMERS†who can tell you that 25 years ago colony life was beneficial and even spiritually uplifting for the majority. But today? I have been to many colonies in the recent years. I have spoken with many women – and the colony life you depict is a yotzeh min ha’klal, an exception. There is unfortunately much unruliness and lack of modesty in many colonies today. Women find it as an opportunity to let loose and have ventured into situations that do not benefit their children, their husbands or Klal Yisrael. Men use it as an opportunity to engage in frivolities in the city and engage in many aveirot that creates shalom bayit issues…the list goes on and on. I have also seen colonies where the men and women engage in ruchaniyut, where the atmosphere is spiritually uplifting… Chaval that such places are also a yotzeh min ha’klal. They are the minority in a large majority that are rachmana le’tzlan engaging in things that are tragic to the Jewish spirit. This is the reality. David Hamelech (aâ€h) states in Tehilim: “Eisa eynai el he’harim – I lift my eyes to the mountains…†Chachamim comment, “Do not read it as “HARIM, mountains – elah, rather, HORIM, parents.†David Ha’melech realized that to look to our ancestors, our gedolim, is to understand what Torah life and our aspirations in life should be. And our great- grandparents, our Avot – did not escape to the mountains to enhance their life. They remained together as a family unit and maintained the structure, foundation and beauty of a Torah home by not creating a separation between husband and wife. The Torah is filled with many beautiful lessons we can learn that guides us in our times. And Hashem in His infinite wisdom chose to write the Torah in the manner that He did – not as a history book – but as a reminder to all generations of what took place and what can chas v’shalom TAKE place if we do not learn from the past. Interestingly, any time we congregated near a mountain or ascended it – it was meant only for a spiritual purpose. Avraham ascended Har Ha’Moriah to do the bidding of Hashem and sacrifice Yitzchak. Hashem stopped him and he descended from the mountain a holier man; a man with a fortified emunah; a man who was able to take his strong spiritual genes of that mountain experience and infuse it into the future generations. Moshe Rabeinu ascended Har Sinai on a few occasions – with the main purpose of attaining the Torah to all of Klal Yisrael, so that this holy nation has laws, structure and a foundation like no other nation. And we all know that when the Jews camped along the side of the mountain, instead of waiting patiently for Moshe Rabeinu they engaged in Avodah Zara at the foot of the mountain. The end result was not positive. Eisa eynai el he’harim – if you are already going to look towards the mountains – then look to the HORIM – who at least when they ascended the mountains, did so for a pure and spiritual purpose. They did it to bring more kedushah to Am Yisrael, not to let loose and not care about how many mishnayot they studied that day. They did it to teach Am Yisrael how to be excited to do a mitzvah and to wake up early to do it – Va’yashkem ba’boker….Not to sleep in and miss davening or to create a generation of lazy children. Eisa eynai el he’harim – if you are already going to look to the mountains – then make sure it is as HORIM – as parents…a unit… You can go on vacation, just do it together. You can enjoy a change of scenery but do it together. To create a separation between a husband and wife and leave the husband in the city to fend for himself while the wife enjoys her friends and the country life – zeh lo Torah. This is hefkerut. The strength of a man and a woman, of an ish v’isha – is that they function as an ish v’isha and not that during the week he is an ish somewhere else and she is an isha elsewhere. The strength in a BAYIT ne’eman is that they are NE’EMANIM to the BAYIT and to one another. Unfortunately, there have been countless scenarios as a result of this country life that has created a lack of faithfulness on the parts both the husband and the wife. The “Board of Education†will not take care of the Shalom Bayit issues that arise in the bungalow colonies. The “Board of Education†has no education to offer. But Baruch Hashem that we have a Torah that offers us tremendous learning lessons. Eisa eynai el he’harim - if you are already going to go to the mountains - then learn from the HORIM, how or if to go, where to go and who to go with. The reason why this couple should stay away from the bungalow colony life is not because it may not be cost effective - but rather because it may cost them dearly in other areas of their married life. It may take a toll not only on their pockets but in their Shalom BAYIT. “There are many families who have wonderful memories of summer, not necessarily in the mountains.†That is indeed true and correct and should be tried by many. I feel badly for this man whom you basically tore apart for his fear of being “bored†during the week if his family goes to the country. When I read that line, I realized that he could be saying a number of different things and it could be interpreted in a number of different ways. Yet, you chose to analyze him as a man who is too clingy and needs some recreational activities to let go of his attachment to his family. I was a little surprised that you answered him in the manner you did. His line about being bored could have meant, “I am not used to not having my family around,†or “Since I love my family, I do not want to be without them,†or “I don’t have the right chevra to socialize with and will feel alone…†It could mean so many different things. But in our day and age for a man to feel alone without his family, to feel he wants to have the right chevra so that he should not be bored, to want his family close by….that is indeed something to admire and not chas v’shalom to put down. ASHRECHA! To this man for wanting to have his family around. BARUCH TIHIYEH for considering his spirituality. KOL HAKAVOD, for giving this a second thought and realizing that he may not want his family away from him. What a real man this is!! Many men cannot wait for their wives to leave so that they can engage in all kinds of “SPORTS.†This man should have been elevated in your eyes and not put down as he was and made to feel as though he has a problem. You also ignored his words about his wife who wants to go to the country to be with her friends. You did not address this at all, when to ME, that was unsettling as well. Our role as women is to be in the OHEL and to LOVE our OHEL. Even Bilam, the wicked sorcerer could not help but realize, “Ma Tovu OHALECHA Yaakov….†Indeed, the tents of Am Yisrael are GOOD – being at home is good. Thriving at home is GOOD. Growing within the confines of home is GOOD… there is nothing wrong with staying at home. And since we are Bnei YISRAEL (Yaakov) – who was referred to as BAYIT - we wish to emulate the HORIM, and know that being in our BAYIT, is indeed TOV. Anyone who is looking for TOV MEOD, when it is already TOV – is only looking for problems. The Torah teaches us that although a man and a woman were created differently, even though they were created from aspects of different worlds – their functionality must be as a UNIT, together. Each individual personality can contribute to the other to create that harmonious ONENESS. But ultimately the goal is to do so together – to the point where one cannot tell the difference between the blue and the yellow and that it looks like ONE color. This is the ultimate achdut between a man and his wife. I am not certain how this can be achieved during the summer; how either can contribute to the other when they are apart. Will they long for one another? Maybe….maybe NOT. Will it solidify their marriage? Maybe…maybe NOT. In Yahadut, we don’t put our marriage at risk. And unfortunately today, with all my experience of dealing with couples whose marriage is failing as a result of the summer – it is hard to advise a frum couple to spend their days away from one another. Of course, one could day that such a marriage was unstable to begin with; but certainly creating a division between an ish who has so many taavot to contend with even with his wife around – and an isha, who is easily susceptible to falling – will not help this couple at all. I would venture to say, that before ANYONE ventures out to the HARIM…to the mountains, they should consider not the financial aspect of it…but the spiritual dangers. And I would certainly not recommend that a wife separate from her husband or that a husband separate from his wife. They should use that time to bond and be together. They can send their kids to a sleep away camp if the finances allow for it so they can connect in a real way. They can send their kids to day camp (more affordable than sleep away camp) and in the evenings they can bond. And then the entire family can go somewhere together. THIS is proper CHINUCH. When a child sees his father and mother WANTING to be together, when he sees a father and a mother WANTING to utilize their time in a spiritually positive way – he will emulate this trait. But to advise a man to “read the paper, to veg out on the couch or bounce a ball in the driveway???†And then you tell the man he can “meet his wife as friends who have much to share together as a result of a day well spent individually?†They are not friends, they are soul mates. They are not friends, they are Reyim Ahuvim, loving companions. Nowhere in the Torah are any of them referred to as friends, but rather something that goes far beyond “CHAVERUT.†CHAVERUT and RE’UT although in modern times may be translated similarly, but according to Chazal it is not the same. Friendship and companionship are not the same at least not in TORAH terminology. I felt bad for this man whom you told, “If you feel bored without your family, you have not learned to define yourself as a person outside of your work or wife and children…†Poor guy, mamash misken. Because you decided that when he said he was bored that meant that he has not learned to define himself, when in actuality he has defined himself by virtue of his family. His family has taught him how to define his role as a Jewish man. His family has taught him how to view his identity as a married man; as an individual in Klal Yisrael yet always with and for the sake of his family. You want this man to join the gym, to socialize with friends, to play the guitar, to sky dive, and the LAST thing you recommend is for him to seek a chevrusah. In Sefer Vayikra, Shevet Reuven and Gad request of Moshe Rabeinu not to enter Eretz Yisrael but rather to settle East of the Yarden. When Moshe Rabeinu was securing their alliance to the nation, it states that the shevatim replied: "We will build sheepfolds for our cattle and cities for our little ones here, but we ourselves will be armed to go before Bnei Yisrael until we have brought them to their place." Moshe Rabeinu corrected them saying, “"Build your cities for your little ones, and folds for your sheep,†and having put that in proper order he then said: "And arm yourselves to go before G-d to the war." The Torah’s obligation is to the children first; which means our FIRST obligation and priority is to Torah learning. Because the Torah gives us the ability to know how to teach our children. Our obligation as parents is to strengthen Torah learning FIRST, thereby helping future generations to fulfill their destiny as Jews. Only through the continuation of Torah learning FIRST, do we stand a chance to pass on the essence of what truly binds us as one. I am not sure how a father can do this if he is FIRST reading the paper, THEN vegging out on the couch, THEN shmoozing with his friends, and only THEN, if he has time of course after the guitar lessons and the gym….to meet up with a chevrusah. The women should not fool themselves. Even with the dinners and night kollelim, men have a lot of time to engage in other activities other than learning how to play guitar. Men are mere human beings, not malachim. They have tremendous taavot that often need to be channeled and they are no better then our heroic biblical personalities who were nichshalim. How then can we separate men from their ezer k’negdo and expect them to be tzadikim? And what of the problems that arise when the men come up to bungalow colony on Thursday night and the hitbolelut that takes place in MANY colonies? Although, YOU are a fan of bungalow life, many of us are fans of traditional Jewish living – where Torah and the ruchaniyut of the husband and wife and children is considered first and foremost a priority. As a frum social worker, you have to be careful what advice you give that may chas v’shalom create harm in the spiritual realm. Before giving advice to any couple, perhaps you should consider speaking with them first and then based on the circumstance, direct them towards spiritual guidance. It is easy to take the time to answer a man who seems bored, it is much more difficult to address the ongoing problem of summer vacation and how this may chas v’shalom harm the family. I pray that as we venture into the rest of the summer, we will understand that we may be doing more harm than we are doing good in the long run. And again, if you are already choosing to separate yourselves as a couple; if you are already choosing to go to the mountains for the summer, then it should be with the guidance of a Rav who will outline for the entire family how to protect themselves from what IS taking place in many bungalow colonies. I give this man and his wife a berachah – that they should find comfort in one another – that they should always act as a family UNIT, and that each of their individual selves should always find itself in the midst of the other so that they can have the zechut of preserving all that is GOOD and holy in the TENT of YAAKOV.
It is not a simple answer to tell him to find other activities to keep him occupied and that it is healthy for their marriage to have periods of separation. I am a kallah teacher, as well as run marriage classes throughout the year. I deal with the effects of what goes on in the country. Show message history In a lot of colonies when the men finally do come up for the weekend, there is no alone time together as they are busy socializing with other couples. The way I see it the country has a big potential for being a very unhealthy envirement for many couples and if this man was turning to you for guidance you should not disregard his concerns.
It's not for nothing that there's an old joke that where there are two Jews there are three opinions. We are fortunate to live in a community where we have so many dedicated professionals and lay people who are interested in serving, informing, and educating the klal. Kudos to you for taking the time to write this eloquent response. The most salient point is that you advised consulting a rav regarding whether or not to go to the bungalow colony. In general, asking a sha'ailas chochom is always a good idea and I support it fully. (But if I use that as an answer in my columns, then I am left with nothing to write and I am out of column!). In general, I don't look for dysfunction and problems (not even with my clients!), as I prefer to approach issues from a strength-based perspective; and that is why I did not address severe issues that may arise when a husband or wife is left alone during the week for the summer. As you mentioned, and as every therapist knows, the summer does not create the dysfunctions of the couples or individuals you describe, it merely exacerbates a pre-existing condition. This column addresses a couple who is fully functional, without any signs of serious issues of frumkeit or in their relationships; and as such, I answered it in kind, weaving information relevant to the normal functioning and personal development of everyday parents and children into my response. Families have a great time in the bungalow colony, both b'ruchnius and b'gashmius, recharging their batteries for another invigorating year of learning and social success, and I hope you enjoy your summer as much. You may want to try the bungalow colony some time; you just may see the other side!