NOTE: This was originally given as a workshop at a LINKS Shabbaton (catering to girls whose parent[s] is deceased) and written as an article in the quarterly LINKS Magazine
When I was a teenager, I was a really popular kid. Loads of friends, fresh mouth in school, leader at sports in camp. So you would think that my life was perfect. Hmm. Not really. Even though I had two parents, although it looked like everything was fine, for some reason (which I am not telling you!), I was totally—like totally—really not fine at all. And sometimes, I felt so isolated from other people, so lonely, that even when I was in middle of a bunch of girls laughing and talking, I thought I would die of misery.
So this toolbox is for all my readers who are great pretenders like I was, and also have their own moments, or days, or months of loneliness that somehow doesn't seem to let up. Yes, losing a parent can do that to you (and other things that I’m not telling you!).
And when I was a teenager, I used all of these tools for myself and they helped me survive, so that when I grew up and passed those horrible teenage years in which I had no control over my friends, my teachers, my parents, and my life, then I actually turned into a pretty successful adult who is not lonely at all; and even often enjoys my own company (like when rollerblading because I can't find anyone else who can do the hills with me!).
And for those of you who were at the workshop, you can skip this article because you heard it already and personally, I get real bored when I have to hear the same thing twice. So go ahead and read someone else's toolbox articles.
A. Identify the trigger of your loneliness. Like, are you lonely when you walk into the house after school? Or is it after candlelighting each Friday night? This matters because in order to put your toolbox tools into place, you need to know what the triggers to watch out for are.
B. Identify your feelings at this time. By this I mean identify what are your true feelings. There are primary feelings and secondary feelings. Your feelings of loneliness may be your primary feeling, but then you feel secondary feelings of worthlessness, anger, depression, or anxiety.
C. Identify your negative thoughts. Often, feelings create negative thinking. Like, “I am a failure.” “I am worthless.” “I am dumb.” “Nobody is interested in me.” “I can't do anything right.”
Once you have done A B C (Brilliant! You know your ABC's!!!), then onto D. Replace your negative thoughts with a positive affirmation. Find a positive sentence to replace that negative thought. “I am very good at baking, so it's silly to think I'm a failure at everything.” “My mother/father/teacher/friend/hamster/stuffed bear thinks I'm really a great person and is interested in what I have to say.” “I may not be great at math, but I have deep thoughts that I write down.” Stuff like that. They have to be true, but that's not hard if you are honest with yourself. Sure it's easy to be negative, but it takes honesty to say the truth about yourself.
E. Use a tool from your toolbox. One day, when you have some time in your very busy schedule, check out the types of tools you can create and make a list for yourself. This way, when you are feeling this lonely feeling, not only can you do your ABC's (and D), but you can even get as far as E (Maybe when you are as old as I am, you will get to Z...which is snoozzzzzzzzzzzze!).
Here are different types of tools: (Some may overlap)
- Relaxation Station. Find ways to relax. Deep breathing, visualization techniques, yoga, massage, listen to music.
- Distraction Action. Distract yourself with stuff like exercise, organize your room, listen to a shiur, do your homework or needlepoint
- Hobby Haven. Develop hobbies like drawing, baking, sewing, collaging, scrapbooking, writing, collecting coins or other stuff, playing an instrument
- Work Wonders. Nothing like work to get your mind off yourself. Babysit, tutor, volunteer in a hospital or nursing home, or take an after-school job selling children clothes.
- Talk Tachlis. Reach out through text, phone, or email to a friend, mentor, teacher, or Links (Links has a hotline you can call for support or you have everyone's contact information available in the booklet from the Shabbaton.)
You can choose to stay lonely and unproductive, or can choose to help yourself. And learning the ABC's is not that hard. (Although I love the ZZZZZZzzzzzzzzz's best. Which I am going to do right now after I finish this article!).
My book, Therapy, Shmerapy, can be found in bookstores or online