NOTE: This article was originally published in the monthly Ask the Therapist column in Jewish Echo Magazine

Question: Our family is a regular middle class family with kids in the local yeshiva and girls’ school. Many of our children’s friends have things that we feel are not necessary for our children to have at their ages, i.e. an ipad for a twelve year old, the latest brand name shoes for our fourteen year old, etc. On the other hand we don’t want our kids to feel lacking. Where do I draw the line?

Mindy responds:

I can just imagine some Jewish kids in the time of the Beis Hamikdosh comparing notes. “Man, did you see the Ben-Gamliels from Bavel coming to the aliyah l’regel? They came with six cows for sacrifice and rode on Arabian horses! And those saddle cushions were padded with the finest sheep wool and made from Egyptian silk!”

The next thing you know, this kid is kvetching to his father that there is no way he is going by donkey again if he can’t have cushions with Egyptian silk like the Ben-Gamliels.

So, yes, I do think this has been an age-old problem with only the actual objects changing from generation to generation from pac-man and time-out games to ipads and ipods.

There are many aspects to this seemingly simple question and this column will attempt to target as many as possible.

I believe very strongly that overall, children imbibe their parents’ values about stuff. So before we talk about what the kids should or should not have, think about your own values about owning the latest gadgets and grown-up toys. Do you continuously trade in your car for the newest updated versions, complete with the latest amenities that it is possible to have? Or do you simply get the best buy for your money when the lease is up with minimal fuss?

Don’t expect your children not to feel deprived if their friends have the latest and best, if their parents’ values lead them to believe that status, friendship, and respect is commensurate with stuff.

So, if you can look at yourself honestly and say, “No, I’m not that type. We don’t put an emphasis on brand-names or luxury items, and our kids don’t see us pre-occupied with the latest and best either,” then let’s look at what is happening from the child’s perspective.

Is your child in a school whose culture emphasizes brand-names and cool gadgets, where parents outdo each other to give their children these things, where parents have abdicated their authority over their children and give them whatever they want whenever they ask?

If this is the case, why are your children in a school that is at odds with your philosophy about child-rearing, chinuch, and what are age-appropriate personal effects?

But if the school your children attend is not culturally gashmius-oriented or excessive, and the majority of children own these things because this has been normalized for your community or school, then what exactly is the issue with them having these things?

If the school assigns homework that necessitates the internet and children are required to use the internet, and therefore have their own ipads, how is that any different than you as a child owning a bike to travel to school, except for the fact that twenty years ago the world was different and your needs were different?

If a certain item of clothing has a more durable life, everyone is buying it because it wears better and longer, and it happens to be a brand-name, how is it any different than you choosing to buy brand-name spices or cereals because they actually taste better?

Sometimes, we make fusses where fusses are not necessary.

But here’s the last case scenario:

It’s not that the whole school has ipads or brand-names; it’s some kids. And it’s the popular kids. And it’s a big chunk of the class, although not the whole class, that is making your child feel aware of her or his lack and wanting to be part of that in-group complete with accessories.

So, first of all, if you feel that this goes against proper chinuch and should be addressed more globally, speak to the principal about banning certain items from the school building. Build awareness of the dangers of a child owning their personal ipad, encourage the teachers to reward children who use their parents’s computers. Things like that.

If it’s not a chinuch issue, if your child only occasionally asks for certain brand-name items, or if most of his or her class really have the item and it’s more because it’s a good item than anything else, just buy it and let it go. Making an issue about a non-issue isolates a child for no reason.

But if your child needs stuff on a continuous basis, is constantly talking about how everybody has this or that when it’s usually only a minority, then you need to address the insecurities and lack of self confidence that is feeding this constant need to have, have, have.

If you are matter-of-fact why you don’t want to buy a brand name item or a new gadget and can give a good reason, then it’s important to convey your values to your child. A good reason can be that the brand name costs more than something else and gives nothing of value to the item except for inflated importance, then explain that. Or that rabbonim have warned against the dangers of the internet and you feel giving an ipad is giving a child a Molotov cocktail that only needs one small flame to make it explode, say it clearly. Don’t get into an argument in which he tries to convince you otherwise. Just stick by your convictions.

Build up a child’s confidence that he does not measure himself by what he owns and understands that his status in the class with the popular kids will really not change based on his owning this or that (unless you do your research, and that just may be the case! Nothing like a gadget to bring out the shy child’s ability to connect with other boys in the class…sometimes it’s the catalyst that leads to real friendships)

But! If you know yourself, that you sometimes make hasty decisions that you later regret because you lacked the full story, it’s okay to allow your child to explain fully why such and such item is important. He or she may have a good reason or point.

And the item can be earned or paid for with their own money to teach additional values.

I remember when my son was eight; he informed me that his whole class had walkie talkies. Now, this was about twenty years ago and these things were $60.00 a set and my kid was eight! For a school toy, that seemed really excessive. Equivalent to a kid going to school today with a $200 item to play with during recess.

But my son rarely begged for anything, and he insisted the whole, entire class had these walkie talkies and his whole social life hung on these walkie talkies. Did I believe him? Not a bit. But I went to school to check it out. And you know what? More than half his class, yes the spoiled youngest children of wealthy parents, had all bought their children walkie talkies and recess was spent playing endless games of cops and robbers in which these toys played a major role. And I bought them for him. I never regretted that decision. True he was in a class of spoiled youngests, but I liked those kids for the most part. And I trusted those parents that they could spoil, but also discipline. So, they taught me a thing or two.

I had a friend who bought a summer home in a place where every family owns a motorized car, jeep, or motorcycle; some even two. She agonized whether or not to buy her children one that first summer. It seemed like a terrible luxury and would spoil her children irrevocably.

I looked at it differently.

If she felt that owning a motorized vehicle for children was bad chinuch, she should not have bought a unit in this bungalow colony. If the place fit her standards, then her children could not be the odd ones out by being the only children without a vehicle to ride with the other children. Her boundary could be one vehicle for the whole family to share; but not to ban it altogether.

It’s not the brand name item or gadget that should create your dilemma whether or not to give it to your child, it is what is feeding his need or interest to have it. His family values, school values, and community culture all impact a child’s sense of self and play a role in shaping a child’s needs and wants. Try to align all three as closely as possible for best chinuch results!

My book, Therapy, Shmerapy, can be found in bookstores or online