NOTE: THIS ARTICLE WAS ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED BY MISHPACHA TEEN MAGAZINE

Look, I am not going to convince you that you need therapy. I am not jumping out of this page to drag you off to my office! I am not even going to find out who you are. So why are you afraid to read this article?

You are not afraid?

Good.

So it doesn't make you nervous that I am a therapist?

Really?

That's refreshing because when I officially became a therapist, my son told me veeerrry seriously, “You know, Ma, therapist's kids are a little nuts. Luckily I'm going out-of-town to yeshiva just in time!”

But you have no problem with me being a therapist. Or reading an article about therapy.

Maybe you are a little curious about therapy?

Are you reading this during class?

Good. (I mean, that's terrible and I would definitely report you to the principal if I would know who you are. But since I have no way of tracking you down...)

Look around your classroom. Everyone looks normal to you? Same drab uniform? Black or blue loafers? Hair pulled back in a ponytail? Believe it or not, some of those girl laughing their heads off, or getting top grades, or having the main parts in production, are in therapy.

Normal kids go to the therapy. In opinion (not that you have to agree), it's the most normal ones who end up in the therapy.

Hmm. Surprised you?

What about if I tell you why teens come into therapy? And what teens do in therapy? And how therapy works? Would that be okay with you? Maybe you want to read this after class? No? Okay. It's just I don't want to get into trouble with any teachers. I had enough of that when I was in high school.

Here's the deal.

Teenagers go to the therapy when they are feeling lousy and it's not an ear infection or strep that can be solved with anti-biotic.

What do I mean by feeling lousy?

There is all types of lousiness (but for the types that crawl, the nit lady can take care of that!). Some girls struggle with having friends. Or with relationships with their mother or father. Don't get along with teachers or siblings. Some others feel angry all the time. Or sad. Maybe even anxious. It's hard to concentrate in school. There's this horrible pain that doesn't go away and it has no name. Butterflies each morning before school starts. Some strange misery and urges to just do something to make this horrible feeling go away.

Sometimes, a person knows why she is feeling this way. Her parents fight a lot and the house seems like a war zone. Sometimes her mother or father yells or says stuff that is hurtful to her. Maybe something awful happened. Her parent or sibling or grandmother is seriously ill or has died. Somebody hurt her in some terrible way. Her brother got divorced. Her best friend moved away or dumped her. She didn't get accepted to school or camp or seminary.

And sometimes a girl has no idea why she is feeling so crazy. She doubts herself that what she is feeling upset even matters. Why she does things to harm herself physically or emotionally or even spiritually. She cries tons. Or can't cry even if she wishes she could. Sometimes she carries secrets that are crippling her. That no one is allowed to know. Or she is afraid to tell. She has questions about Yiddishkeit that she has no one to ask. Or is afraid to even think about.

When someone breaks a leg, they go to a special doctor who can set the leg in a cast. When someone has a broken heart, it's a therapist that can do the job of helping it heal.

Hey, are you rolling your eyes?

You want to know how that works? What hocus pocus a therapist uses?

There are different types of therapies a person can use. The most common one for teenagers is talk therapy.

Hey! Is that you rolling your eyes again? You got something stuck in your eyeball or something?

Talk really works. It's a special kind of talking. It's like you take medicine and it just looks like purple fruit smoothie but really it has special properties that can fight an ear infection. This talking has ingredients like validation, empathic and active listening, using the narrative to tell a story, and a bunch of other stuff that actually can change the brain and your body chemistry, helping you feel better, help you learn to cope with stuff, and improve relationships in your life.

Sounds spooky to you?

It's not. You would like my room if you would see it.

Comfy blue couch, leather chairs you kinda melt into. Heart stickers you can help yourself to, along with some candy or gum. My diplomas on the wall so you can check out if I am legit or not. Books on my shelf that you can borrow.

And no, nobody will see you coming in or leaving, if that's what worrying you.

I know therapy has a stigma. I know you think only crazy people go to therapy. I know you know that people think that way. I am not going to argue with you about that.

But lots of teenagers are choosing to go to therapy because they figure it is a lot crazier to be miserable and anxious and afraid than to go to therapy.

Are you wondering how to choose a therapist?

Ask your parent. Or your teacher. Or principal. Maybe the guidance counselor in school in help you out with that. A neighbor. An aunt. The rav or rebbetzin of your shul.

What do you need to know about your therapist once you decide to go?

Check out if you like her. Give her two chances. If you do not like her after the first session, then do not give up on therapy, just tell your parents to find you someone else. If you can't decide after the first session give therapy another chance because maybe you were just shy or uncomfortable or feeling weird. By the time you end your second or third session, you should like the therapist. You should feel hope that she can help you. Something clicked. Like it was a good shidduch.

Don't be shy to ask your therapist questions. Ask her how long she is a therapist. Ask her if she can help you with your problem. Ask her why she works with teenagers. Ask her whatever you want to. You may not like her answers, but you need to like how she answers you. Open, warm, friendly. With a smile. With confidence. You can even ask her how long therapy will probably take. While she can't give you an exact amount of sessions, she should be able to give you a ballpark figure.

Ask her what she will tell your parents about your sessions with her. Ask her what role your parents will have in therapy. If you are under eighteen, legally, she is allowed to tell your parents anything you tell her. Of course, no normal therapist will tell parents stuff because then no normal teen will talk in therapy. So hear what she has to say about confidentiality and its limits. Found out if your school will be involved in your therapy, and what control you have over that. Again, you may not like the answers but you have like the way she answers you honestly and openly.

Are you wondering what goes on in therapy?

You sit on the couch. Or in the chair. Or on the floor if you want. You can do whatever you want.

There is talking involved. If you want. If you can. You talk, your therapist talks. You figure out the problems, you figure out how to solve them. You figure out how to cope with problems that do not have easy solutions, or there are no solutions at all—or no good solutions, in ways that do not make you feel unhappy, miserable, guilty or scared.

Some therapists use art or music or collage or toys or clay or other types of mediums to engage a teenager in talking. You will do what feels comfortable for you. You can always ask to draw or write or play if that is easier. Or you can be silent until you are ready to talk. No pressure.

Doesn't sound all that bad, does it?

But you are still hesitant.

Are you wondering how you know if you need therapy?

It can be, like I said in the beginning of this article, that you are feeling unhappy.

Or, other people are telling you that you need therapy. Maybe a teacher who is concerned. Or your father. Maybe your best friend or her mother suggested it. And you feel deep down that they are right.

But you tell yourself that you just need to get yourself together and you can feel better by yourself. Maybe. But therapy is for teenagers who are trying so hard to feel better and it is just not working. And some symptoms of that unhappiness is showing itself in different ways. Like some snappiness that doesn't go away. In deteriorating marks. In difficulty concentrating in school, acting out at home, in school, with frumkeit issues or with chutzpah, or waking up in the morning. It can show itself in an obsession with eating, with cleaning, with organizing, with saying tehillim for hours each day, with getting high marks that a ninety-five makes you argue for an hour with the teacher.

You know when you are not acting yourself and you just cannot seem to stop your nutty behavior. Or this is who you are for years already and you are sick of it.

So if you cannot seem to manage to get yourself together by yourself, therapy is a good way to take control back of your life.

And what if your parents don't want you to go to therapy? That's a toughie.

Turn to your rav, rebbetzin, teacher, principal, grandparent, aunt, older sister, or mentor. Somebody will be able to help you to get to the therapist.

Hmm. It wasn't so bad us having this little chat, right?

At least you got those eyeballs straightened out.

My book, Therapy, Shmerapy, can be found in bookstores or online