This past Simchas Torah in my shul,some of my friends drank a little too much. These friends are good husbands,and fathers who got a little carried away. My son was in shul with me,and I don't want him to think it's OK to get drunk. How do I explain this without putting down my friends,who in many cases are the parents of his friends?
NOTE: THIS COLUMN WAS ORIGINALLY WRITTEN FOR JEWISH ECHO MAGAZINE IN THE MONTHLY COLUMN ASK-THE-THERAPIST
Answer:
Adults getting drunk. On yom tov. In shul. In front of minors. In front of their own children. In public. I will not even put you on the spot and ask you the name of the shul in which you have chosen to daven. The people you call your friends. Their children in whose homes your children play.
Do I sound melodramatic? Blowing things out of proportions? Making a mountain out of a molehill? Yep. I agree.
Because the simple answer to your question would be this: If you model for your child appropriate Simchas Torah'dik behavior which includes not drinking and getting drunk; and you honestly disapprove of this behavior, and you have a positive relationship with your son in which you guys shmooze about various issues, then chances are, your son will grow up to behave in a similar manner to you regarding drinking in shul Simchas Torah, along with adopting myriads of other behaviors and values you impart to him each day.
If you son sees his friend's father losing his temper in shul or embarrassing his son, obviously, he is not interested in emulating such behavior.
The problem is when a child sees behavior that looks like fun, such as talking during leining or drinking on Simchas Torah or Purim, or surfing the internet or speaking disparagingly about gedolim or his rebbeim or, or, or.....
Once, I was at a weekend Shabbaton and a speaker spoke of the steps Jews in the shtetl took to protect their children from wicked influences. How they built tall walls around their ghetto, how they kept their family cloistered within its walls. Today, the speaker explained, there are no walls tall or wide or strong enough to keep the outside world out. The evil influences are within us, not without. Within our very pockets where our smart phones are nestled, within our very homes where it is impossible to filter the outside world sufficiently. And we need to find a different weapon with which to protect our children. The walls we build must be the walls within our children, not around them.
I think it would be true to say that no matter how far we run, no matter how we try to protect our children by sheltering them from outside influences, even if we imagine we can escape to seemingly isolated communities like Satmar Monroe, or New Square, we are faced with the stark reality that much as we would love to preserve the innocence of our children until they are grandparents and strong enough to withstand the pressures of modern society, if we do not use modern weapons to fight modern battles, we are simply holding a finger in the wall of the dyke; listening to the swelling of the water on the other side as it gathers momentum to create a flood, we wonder how long we can hold back the dam from exploding and disintegrating from the pressure.
You ask about imparting your values about drunkenness on Simchas Torah when the very people you want to protect your son from are the same ones you call your friends. But I ask the greater question: How do you impart your values to your son when no matter how hard you try to wrap him in a cocoon of your wonderful shul, the most special yeshiva, living on a block with neighbors you would trust with your life, he is exposed nevertheless to people of this modern day world whose very tools and opportunities have the paradoxical capacity to be the most destructive and also its greatest gifts?
The internet is one tool I speak of, but there are also others like the opportunities for obtaining a college education and learning in yeshiva in Eretz Yisroel.
Today, you wonder how to teach your son to behave properly on Simchas Torah and Purim and avoid the attraction of drinking; tomorrow you need to worry what your son is actually doing while registered in the Mir, despite being immersed in the greatest environment of spirituality and holiness.
Although there are many nuances to this conundrum, many variations of answers, multiple layers of how these issues are addressed from a spiritual/religious, moral, and practical levels, as a therapist, I will address the psychological aspect of this problem, although it includes the others.
And here I go back to the deceptively simple response I gave all the way in the beginning of this column. One. Be a role model for your child so he can see what your values truly are. Monkey see, monkey do, you know; not Monkey talk, monkey do...If you drank with your friends in shul, but you held your liquor better than they did, it's a confusing message for your child.
Two. It's not enough to be a role model, but you need to truly feel strongly about the issue at hand. It's not enough to pretend to be a role model in shul but when alone with your friends you enjoy drinking. Kids are so perceptive that their radar picks up any hypocrisy from here to the North Pole. So watch it!
Three. You need to be the parent whose relationship to his child is so valuable that even when the lure of modern America and peer pressure exerts its pull; no matter that your child may flirt with danger as he becomes an independent teenager and adult trying stuff out for size, the magnet of your relationship, the pull of what he has in you will eventually triumph.
And when everyone else is drinking in shul, your adult son will be earnestly engaged with the rav to come up with a plan to otherwise engage the men and boys at the kiddush...
My book, Therapy, Shmerapy, can be found in bookstores or online