NOTE: THIS ARTICLE WAS ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED BY LINKS, AN ORGANIZATION DEDICATED TO SUPPORTINGCHILDREN AND TEENS                     WHOSE PARENT(S) HAS DIED

I went to camp because I loved sports. Everything else seemed silly to me.
And I wonder now how idiotic camp seems to a girl whose parent has just died. And she watches from a place far away how her fellow campers can get all excited about some break-out or another, about one more trip to some far-flung place that involves life-altering activities like riding an upside down roller coaster and throwing up in the back seat of the bus.
And I wonder about that girl whose parent is no longer alive and she is able to throw herself full swing into color war and swim-a-thons and the concert or major play. How she is able to laugh and sing and screech for her food and chant for her dessert even as her world is even more upside down than any terrible rollercoaster and yet she is not throwing up in the back seat of the bus; she is singing loudly in the front in the center of a gaggle of girls, her good mood infectious.
It is camp season, the tantalizing of smells of summer is in the air, and suitcases are being dragged out from the basement or underneath beds. And for some of you, camp will be a wonderful experience; while for others, it is just another opportunity to feel different, to feel alienated or out of place.
There are different options how to spend your summer. Here's some: overnight camp, day camp—either as a camper or staff member, in the city or in the mountains, other types of non-camp jobs in the city, kiruv programs like SEED or Girls' Zone, out-of-state or out-of-country camping or touring experiences, or just plain hanging around doing nothing.
Did I cover every option?
I absolutely advise against doing nothing, unless it's for a week or so in between jobs or being a camper. Doing nothing is pretty depressing and unproductive. It adds nothing to your summer vacation, and you come back to school feeling worse than you left. And if you have friends who are similarly doing nothing, then pardon me for saying so, but you are clearly in the wrong chevrah!
While some girls would prefer to keep to the same routine as the school year, because change may be unwelcome or difficult, others are glad for the more relaxed atmosphere of summer.
But while any girl going to camp or having a new type of summer experience, especially if it is a new one, may be nervous , there are challenges specific to a girl whose parent has died, whether recently or a long time back. I hope to address your concerns in this article, and help you navigate your summer more easily.
I am going to start in any old order, and hope I target some of your issues somewhere along the way, along with some tools to use. If there is anything I have omitted, feel free to email me...
Some girls hate change.
Change means they have to meet new girls and adults in camp who ask those seemingly innocent questions like, “What does your father do?” or “What time is your mother coming on Visiting Day?” which are fine if you have a mother or father but totally not fine if you don't. So even if you can answer to the first question, “My father learns all the time,” (because you are assuming that is what he does in Gan Eden) or “My mother is not available on Visiting Day,” (because she happens to be busy in Gan Eden at that time), these questions are uncomfortable, or downright hurtful even if asked in good faith and friendliness.
For many girls, avoidance is the tool they use. Lies, both subtle or outright manages to answer those kinds of questions, but it keeps the summer fraught with discomfort, on a perpetual edge hoping nobody finds out, hoping nobody keeps asking, hoping that when the questions are no longer asked, it's not because there has been a major discussion about you (Did you hear, nebich, about Shprinta Hencha whose mother was niftar last Succos? So don't ask her any questions about her mother!). It's such a pain in the neck to be sitting in a conversation, and when the subject is about mothers or fathers, one of which you happen not to have right now, or about step-families, which you may have right now, then you have to worry about the hush that suddenly descends upon the group when some girls know your situation, others don't—or forgot—and then awkwardness as either everyone who knows freezes and the one idiot who doesn't know keeps blabbing, or someone tries to clumsily change the conversation.
I will put it straight to you. Avoidance is a dumb tool.
Of course, what I will say now will have you rolling your eyes, and saying, “Oh, yeah, sure I am going to do what Mindy suggests. She obviously has not been a teenager is more than a hundred years if she can advise that!”
I will say it anyway, because life in a new situation can be so much simpler if the information about your parent can be imparted in a smart, matter-of-fact way, in which there will a momentary discomfort and then that, “Oh, I am so sorry.” and you can say, “It's okay. I'm fine,” and then both of you can continue talking about Visiting Day in a normal way.
So here's my advice: If that awkward situation comes up either as a question, or in a conversation, just say, “My father was niftar last Chanukah.” Or, “My mother is not coming Visiting Day because she was niftar, but my father and married sister is coming up to visit.”
Finished. End of story.
Maybe everyone will feel weird for a few minutes, maybe that girl will privately ask one of your school friends for details, maybe, maybe, maybe. But that will pass and life goes on without you sitting on shpilkes all summer long waiting for new awkward moments.
You can also take the easier way out and ask your friend or counselor to let the other girls know in advance, or have your parent call the counselor in advance, to save you even that weirdness. But it's best if the girls and yourself are open about it to each other to make the new social situation smoother. Because when the girls around you see that you are matter-of-fact about your situation, no, you will not become the nebich case without a parent, or with a step-parent; you will just be you. Because people forget about tragedies very easily, even yours.
Other changes you may have to cope with is simply leaving your family. It's stuff that I have talked about in previous issues. About leaving your mother or father to cope without you all summer long. You won't be there to cook or take care of younger siblings. You won't be there to support your surviving parent or other siblings who rely on you. I have talked about these things already, so I will tell you again. These feelings of guilt, while occurring often in children who have lost parents, are not appropriate to the situation. You are supposed to be going to camp for the summer, not taking care of your father or mother. You are supposed to be enjoying your summer, not feeling responsible for siblings that are not your children.
Your parent wants what is best for you and is encouraging you to relax into your summer! And if your parent is making you feel guilty, even inadvertently about leaving him or her, then reach out to a mentor, teacher, or therapist if necessary to sort through what's going on in your home and life that may not be healthy for you.
The problem with going away for the summer may be even feelings of guilt that now there is no money for what you perceive as a luxury, and you are trying to avoid having your parent sacrifice for you and pretend you don't even want to go. Again, if you are having doubts about going away because of financial reasons, reach out to talk to your parent about your concerns and to alleviate them. Reach out to other adults in your life who may help you gain perspective and clarity about this situation and how to handle it. Maybe, on the flip side, you have been told there is absolutely no money for camp and you feel desperate to go. Reach out!
And then there are other aspects of camp. All that fun, fun, fun that you feel guilty about having, feeling you are supposed to be grieving, but would rather not think about your parent and just have fun instead. Or, the opposite. Maybe it's all that fun, fun, fun that seems so silly to you now and it seems pointless and immature to you to spend the summer with girls who have no problem with the silliness of camp.
Sometimes, you feel like the rachmanus case. You feel weird or uncomfortable being chosen for honors that you don't feel you have really deserved, suspecting you are getting it because the staff feels sorry for you. A role in a play, a solo, a specific job or compliment.
Nu, enjoy it. So what? You wouldn't get that solo if you didn't know how to sing, would you? So what if you got the solo instead of a different girl? Why shouldn't you get a little bonus here or there? Life is not perfect, obviously, and if the camp wants to help even things out a little bit, why not let them?
You do deserve to have those little extras to make your life a little nicer or more pleasant, even if you prefer not having to lose a parent in order to get that perk! So get over it and accept that part in the play, or the better bunk in camp, or that relationship with your counselor who cares about you.
It is not easy entering a new situation in which you feel different, worried about being the topic of conversation, or the nebich case.
But those feelings are entirely yours, nobody else's.
You can't be a nebich case if you choose not to be. Nobody will talk about you if there's nothing to gossip about. You are no different than each and every girl who has her own stuff she needs to deal with, whether she is lousy at sports, struggling to make friends, her parents are divorced, her brother is off-the-derech, she failed Algebra, or she hopes her summer will be a great one.
So some struggles seem easier than others.
To you.
Not to the girl who is such a klutz at sports that every day at camp seems interminably long and fresh with possibilities of failure and ridicule.
Have fun this summer. Scream your lungs out. Throw up on the bus back from the water park.
It's an order!

My book, Therapy, Shmerapy, can be found in bookstores or online