NOTE: THIS WAS ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED IN JEWISH ECHO'S MONTHLY COLUMN ASK-THE-THERAPIST
Question:
I am by nature an introverted and quiet person. My wife tells me that my quiet nature affects the children because I don't show them enough love and affection. I agree with her, yet it's very hard to change my nature. How would you advise me to work on changing my introverted tendencies to become more affectionate and expressive?
Answer:
Hmm.
I may not be the best person to pose this question to, because I sincerely do not believe anyone should change their essential nature to suit another person's expectations of what must or should be. So this response will not be about you changing your introverted tendencies to become more affectionate and expressive, but to use the tools you have to develop a natural relationship with each of your children building on the strengths of your inherent nature.
From your question, I learn a few things: You are quiet and introverted. You believe you don't show your children adequate love and affection. Your wife believes your children are somehow being negatively impacted from your introverted nature.
First off, one of the perks of a child having two parents living under one roof is that if the parents have a solid relationship, they can complement each other; each filling in where the other is not. Takes the pressure off to be the perfect parent; something personally I am quite relieved about, as the Stepford—mom persona never appealed to me much.
A parent who very strict can be balanced by the fun parent. The miserly parent is balanced by the generous one, the creative, free-spirited parent is balanced by the consistent, reliable one, and the rigid, rule-following spouse is balanced by the chilled, easy-going one. And that's wonderful, because children have different needs at different times, and can access the best of each parent when he needs it. So it's fun for a child to have a father who plays games late motzai Shabbos and pops popcorn when his friends come over for sleepovers. But it may be his mother who he will turn to when he needs the reassurance of clean clothing and a punctual wake-up call each morning so he isn't late to school.
The creative mother who helps create magnificent dioramas for school projects is lovely, but she can't take the place of the serious father who is perfect for solemn conversations about which high school would be the best to apply to. A child who has both is truly lucky.
If your wife thinks that your introverted nature is a negative, then I am assuming she has an extroverted nature which she thinks is best for the children and wants you emulate her. So quick question: why did she marry you? Ha! Gotcha there, no? How does she answer that? Obviously, there was something about your personality that complemented hers and she liked that about you.
Yep. I am sure that was the case, as was the opposite case of you being attracted to her extroversion that complemented your quieter personality.
Why should it be any different with your children?
Establishing relationships, love, and affection with others does not need to require twisting oneself into pretzels of foreign shapes. It has to do with using your G-d given tools to reach others.
I would encourage you to look within yourself and to ask some simple questions: Do I love my children? Does a relationship with them matter to me? How do I generally form relationships? How can I form a relationship with my children using those same methods?
If you connect to others through quiet activities, then read with your children, learn with them, take them to a museum, play a game of chess, have a conversation. Engage in activities or communication patterns that come naturally to you and you have used in the past to successfully build relationships with your siblings, your parents, your friends at school, your wife. If you don't like to talk much, then be the listener for your extroverted child. If your child is introverted too, sometimes, the comfort of silent reading side by side is what's needed.
Share with your children what's important to you, and what will be important to them is not actually your interests, but your interest in sharing with them! And the reverse is true as well.
Your wife can balance out the rest of your children's needs with her extroversion. She will drag you on chol hamoed trips and plan melave malkas for the extended family. She will rope you into playing Pictionary or Scattegories, and put the music on loudly and dance with the children. Your presence will be important to them, even if you draw lousy pictures, and you totally don't know how to have fun with Scattegories.
You don't need to be alike. You need to form your own unique relationship. And then to act as a team to form a complete unit that fulfills their various needs.
A child feels his father's love and affection if his father has an interest in him, wants to spend time with him, engages him in conversation, listens to him, or simply asks him to join him in the car while he picks up the cleaners—even if there's just companionable silence instead of non-stop chatter.
If both you and your wife feel your behavior is detrimental to your children, and they are not feeling your love, then instead of blaming your quiet nature, I would ask other questions. What is the nature of your relationship with your wife? Have relationships been difficult for you in the past? Are you insecure? Afraid of being close to people? Intimidated by others, even your children? Use your introversion as a protection against being hurt by others? Withdrawing?
There are many types of personalities. The enneagram delineates different types of personalities, as does Carol Tuttle in her best-selling book it's My Nature. None of these personality types are considered bad or wrong, although different combinations may be better fits than others in marriages or between parent and child. But any combination of personalities can be workable in various relationships if the person is essentially healthy.
So, if your reserve with your children is just one more part of a pattern of difficulties in forming relationships that you have struggled with all your life, then you may want to explore the option of therapy. Therapy can help put you in touch with issues that have impeded your ability to be successful in relationships, and to help you uncover your essence and self and how to allow it to evolve naturally with others in loving ways.
The final aspect is that I have noticed that as a community, we are not big on physical affection. Sure, we hug and kiss our little ones, but somehow, those signs of physical affection disappears pretty quickly and by the time a child is six, those hugs are mostly gone. I am not quite sure why.
In this, I would encourage you to overcome your natural reserve, and show physical expressions of your love, even if it feels uncomfortable at first, no matter how old your child is. You can say, “You know, I noticed that I hardly hug you so I am going to start giving each of you a hug each day.”
Your kids may roll their eyes, but giggle, or even stiffen up in your embrace, but if you keep at it, it will become a natural act.
Makes sense to you?
My book, Therapy, Shmerapy, can be found in bookstores or online