Every Chanuka I have the same dilemma: we have family friends who always buy expensive gifts for my children,Unfortunately I don't have the means now to reciprocate as I was able to in the past. My husband doesn't want people to know that we've fallen on hard time,yet I can't afford to reciprocate. How do you suggest we handle this situation?

Answer:

You know that old joke that if you buy your child the most expensive gift, he will spend a few minutes playing with the toy and hours with the box and wrapping?

It's true.

Because as much as children love to receive gifts, the gifts lose their appeal almost immediately.

So why do we even bother to give presents?

Why give gifts Chanukah, birthdays, anniversaries, or simply just on a Monday out of the blue just-because?

It is to show we care. It's a statement that says, “I was thinking about you today.” It is to show our appreciation to someone we love or care about or appreciate.

The gift in or itself means usually nothing to the recipient. Sure, it's exciting to get a new DSL or game. It shticky to own a motorized motorcycle or jeep. It's cool to have a new electric scooter or a Ferragamo belt or shoes. And sometimes, a gift can be useful too. A new bike means no walking to yeshiva each day or having to take the bus. A set of expensive oils means hours of painting for the budding artist. A laptop is perfect for the high school teenager's homework demands.

But what you are talking about has nothing to do with caring. Or loving. Or appreciating.

You give and receive presents on Chanukah because Americans give and receive gifts in December as part of the holiday festivities.

We have to compete with the tinsel and glitter of the All-American December holiday season. Lighting the menorah and playing dreidel for some measly pennies just does not hack it.

The hype surrounding December is so overpowering, that I am not even against the idea of creating a holiday environment for Chanukah that cocoons our children within it, so that they do not even look the way of their non-Jewish neighbors, content with the warmth and excitement of their own holiday.

But what will envelope our children with a love for their own culture and religion is not the tinsel and glitter and wrappings and shiny toys they get. It will be the relationship of the family, their friends, and how they celebrate the holiday in a meaningful way religiously, spiritually, and socially.

So if you have gotten this far in this column you may be rolling your eyes and groaning.

“Mindy,” you would like to tell me, “I have to give presents to seven nieces, three nephews, and twelve family friends. We are having Chanukah parties every night, and my kids are getting gifts from their friends' parents. My kids are getting loads of money and presents from my brothers and brothers-in-law. It's really nice to talk about the religious meaning and observance of Chanukah, but right now I need to cough up a few hundred dollars I don't have for presents!”

I get it.

My questions is do you?

Because you can choose to keep this cycle of empty gift-giving, pulling your children into this endless cycle of superficiality. But when they grow up, the message they have taken with them about Chanukah is the peer pressure of giving gifts. The endless cycle of the thrill-boredom and now-what-should-I-ask-for-my-birthday? The superficiality of their parents's religious observance.

And I am sure you remember the anxiety of getting gifts that you know you will not like, pretending to be thrilled, feeling guilty for not liking them, angry that nobody took the time to ask or know you well enough to buy you what you needed, and hating to say thank-you amidst that guilt, disappointment and anger.

And you can choose to do something else.

You can be a parent with principles.

What would it be like for you to talk to your children, tell them that this whole gift-giving is secular and it is not the values with which you want to raise your kids? What if you tell them that you get that those Chanukah parties with family and friends are fun, and you are happy for them to be getting gifts, but you do not want to buy into that? What if you tell them that you guys need to brainstorm something with more depth that would make the giving more Chanukah-like and less Xmas-like? Like how about playing a game in which each person decides on a favor they would like to do for someone else (like offering one night of free babysitting for a family member, or a taking out a kid to the park for a Shabbos afternoon? Maybe tutoring for a math test or studying for a mishnayos test?) and that will be the gift they give for their friend or cousin or uncle or grandmother.

What if you think about each child you need to give a gift to, and think about what that child really needs? Does your niece love baking but is not allowed to do it at home? Does your nephew love pajama parties and you can host him and the other cousins? Does your best friend's son need a permit and you can offer to drive him down to take the test? Or can you give him your time with driving lessons?

What does each child really want and need and can you be that really in-tune family friend or aunt that can make a difference?

Ideally, this could be an opportunity for you to model behavior that may help raise children with depth and true religious and moral values. It is not easy, and if you do not do it authentically, your children will see right through you and react with disgust or embarrassment instead of with pride. It depends on how much you can make this a part of you and then a part of them.

And if you need to give a gift, you would be surprised what gifts children really want.

I was the best gift-giver in my extended family. And I was the cheapest, too.

One kid got a whole box of band-aids to paste onto every part of her body whenever she wanted.

Another got a box of nails with a little hammer to pound to his heart's content.

And believe or not, the teenagers were tickled when they got a five dollar gift certificate to an ice-cream store (I actually worked it out with the store manager, creating my own certificates that the manager signed and honored as each kid came to claim their ice-cream) and every single one of them used the certificate. Sounds ridiculous, because which parent doesn't give their kid money for ice-cream, right? Which teenager doesn't have his or her own lousy five dollars to buy the ice-cream, right? True, but they still talk about those certificates and I did it more than one year...

Be creative. Be spiritual. Be religious. Be strong.

And I challenge you to report back that the gifts of your self were the best this year.

My book, Therapy, Shmerapy, can be found in bookstores or online