Question:

My daughter really wants to marry a Kollel guy,which will require us to help support her for the first few years of marriage. While we have a substantial income and if we cut back on some luxuries we can afford to help her out,we were raised that a man should support his family,and don't really want to change our lifestyle to accommodate my daughter's hashkafa which we don't agree with. What do you suggest?

Answer:

Love this question!

And I am sure there are many who are wondering the same thing. What to do with this girl, for goodness sake!?

As with every question, there are many facets to examine and there is little information to understand from within which context it is being asked. But I will take a leap here, and based on my knowledge of Jewish Echo's readership, of the schools to which this community sends its children, and of this kollel phenomenon in general, I will try to give you a sound psychological and comprehensive answer.

Unless I am mistaken, this decision has come about because of the influences of your daughter's high school and seminary years. I know you were put into an untenable situation, as the community schools today, including the mainstream seminaries in Israel are all touting a Torah'dik lifestyle, of which spending a few years in kollel is considered the norm. It is not as though you had a choice to send her to a different school as often those schools were much too left wing to fit your hashkafos, and possibly most of your friends sent their children to the same schools you did. And probably most of your friends—unless you are one of the first with a shidduchim-age daughter—are going through this same transition of wondering how on earth your daughter turned into this kollel-wife prototype—if she even did!

Here is the reality of your community: Boys who have been successful in their yeshiva years are sitting in kollel after they get married. They may also be going to college, but they are first and foremost going into kollel. Unless they marry in their late 20's and then they may have already gone to college and are beginning their working careers. If your daughter is young, fresh out seminary, I doubt you want her to marry a 28 year old boy. So your choices are narrowed to what is available.

Rightly or wrongly, you sent her to the high school you did, you sent her to Israel for seminary. It seems unfair to allow her to be indoctrinated for 5 years and then turn around and expect her to adopt your views when it obviously has never been a discussion.

Realistically, you can help support her, and if she would choose college and need support, I am sure you would be willing to help her to do that.

What it boils down to is that you don't believe in the kollel lifestyle.

And here I would like to help you define what it is you are actually against.

For the most part, today, when a girl or boy marry and the boy goes into kollel, this is a temporary hiatus until they move onto the lifestyle in which their parents raised them. They move on to college, jobs, and moving to a suitable community. They may turn out more religious than their parents, but that is natural, as you are probably more religious than your parents were (and if you are not, perhaps your daughter is going back to her roots?). Overall, however, children return to their roots. All that kollel start-up life will give them is a few years of solid hashkafah away from mainstream America in which to solidify their ideals, religion, and values in a safe and warm environment. In addition, chances are they will also begin college during this time and strengthen their relationship.

We marry off our children relatively young, or want to, so if we marry off a 20 year old to a 22 year old, it seems pretty fair to me that the parents support them as we do single children, because really, in my opinion, 20 is really young to be thrust into real life. Kollel is a soft transition in a very beautiful way.

I think the main issue here would be if your daughter has completely rejected your lifestyle and is asking you to support—not a transitional phase of her life—but a completely different value system.

If this is the case, here are the questions you need to ask: Is she serious about this major life decision or is it a passing phase that in a couple of months post-seminary she will revert back to her old self, or mostly her old self? If she is serious, are you actively looking for a shidduch that will fit her needs but that may not fit yours? If yes, you may need to have a serious discussion with her and decide whether or not you are willing to support her in this. You may be very pleasantly surprised to hear from her that she is not asking for your financial support, but only your emotional support and has a plan to support herself. If she is unrealistic about her own life choices, and what living a kollel lifestyle entails, help her understand without your finances becoming the issue at hand.

You may want to ask yourself, if your daughter is sincere and you recognize this, if you can accept her life choices and support them in ways you would support her choices that are more aligned to yours—like going to law school and needing to offer financial assistance to make that happen. You need to ask yourself if your relationship with her matters more than your ideas about what a good life entails. You may need to ask yourself if you know your daughter well enough to know if this is a stage like her dieting fads or if it is real and needs to be addressed with skill and respect.

You do not mention if your daughter has even asked you to support her lifestyle, but at risk of angering some idealists, I will say that if part of her equation is that you should support her, I doubt her idealism is rooted in a true commitment to her religiosity. On the other hand, it is the norm for couples today to start out their lives as kollel families, and those who choose not to, are often getting a different type of boy altogether.

To support or not to support is only a small fraction of the question!

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