NOTE: THIS COLUMN WAS ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED IN JEWISH ECHO MAGAZINE'S ASK THE THERAPIST
QUESTION:
I am the parent of a young married couple who is learning in kollel. We send generous support to the couple every month .Recently, my son told me that he needs more money in order to make ends meet. My wife and I both know that it's because his wife overspends on unnecessary luxuries. On one hand I don't want my son to go into debt, yet on the other hand I have other kids to support,and also don't want my daughter-in-law adapting an opulent lifestyle which may come back to hurt them later on.
ANSWER:
Whoa. Whoa. Whoa!
Reading this question, my first uncensored reaction was, “Poor girl. She really fell in with critical in-laws. Her poor husband. Torn between his wife, and his parents...”
Let me explain.
If you are true, blue parents in the community who care about your kids passionately and raised fine, upright children; taught them to respect the Torah and encourage your children to opt to learn in kollel in the beginning of their married life, I'm also assuming that you carefully vetted every shidduch your child was redt and only gave the go-ahead to meet with a girl who met your expectations.
And I am assuming that about you because of how you speak about generously supporting your children, and even in the fact that your child feels close and comfortable enough in his relationship with you to ask for more money above what you support him.
But something went wrong somewhere and I would like to provide some clarification and tools to enable you to continue to have a relationship with your son and to create one with your daughter-in-law, because the reality is that she is the one with the power to either build or destroy your relationship with your grandchildren; although she is unaware of her power, even as she may be painfully aware of her disapproval of her.
Your letter gives little information as to why you assume it's your daughter-in-law who is spending frivolously, if at all, and what steps you have taken until this time to address this problem. So, I will take the liberty of applying a wide range of possibilities to the scenario you describe.
My instinct is that this son is your oldest child, because you do not compare his spending habits with any older siblings who would be living a lifestyle of which you do approve.
So let's begin.
It is possible that the standards of generous support may not be all that generous and you are basing your assessment of the young couple you were twenty years ago, not taking into account the difference in standards today. Possibly, it may even be your son who is demanding a specific standard of living, asking his wife to buy things for the house or herself that she is doing to please him. Or it may be that the two of them together are young, intoxicated with their new marriage and life and truly have no concept of budgeting, unaware of your frustration at their thoughtlessness when you are being so generous.
Sometimes, this situation is worsened when only one side is contributing support, as it appears to be in your case; and whether or not you agreed to one-sided support, resentment is a natural outcome when observing a young couple's spending habits that may differ—wrongly or rightly—with the supporting parents' habits.
There is no mention of your daughter-in-law working and it is unclear why this may be the case. Is she in college? Do they live in Israel where jobs are scarce? Is she in-between jobs or unable to work due to pregnancy? Obviously, this can exacerbate your resentment if she spends and does not bring in any income.
I think I pretty much covered all bases here to outline various views on this support versus spending situation. Except for the one you began your complaint with: Your daughter-in-law in law is truly a spender and your son does not know how to cope with it except for asking you for more money.
Welcome to the world of young couples who grew up with generous parents like you!
Whatever the scenario truly is, the hard facts is that your son married this girl, presumably with your blessing. She is his wife and is, or will be, the mother of your grandchildren. It is in your best interests to forge a positive relationship with her so that you can reap the nachas of the fine son you have raised.
So here is what you can do.
Think ahead of time if you would give him more money if you would know for a fact that he is thrifty and conservative with his money and you have simply miscalculated the needs of a kollel couple. Or, if no matter what the situation is, you simply cannot or will not give more than you do.
Then, have an open conversation with your son. If you would give him more money should he actually show you that the income is not sufficient and you had simply been umaware, then ask your son why he needs more money instead of assuming it's because of her frivolity. If you need to, ask him for a monthly budget to get a clearer picture. Treat him respectfully and tell him honestly that you thought that you are giving generously and you want to understand why it's not enough.
If you would not be giving him more money in any case, let him know that you are asking because it's sometimes a hard transition for a young couple to budget and you want to know how you can help him learn this skill in this new stage of his life.
Using respectful language, you may learn some new things—that he really needs more money. Or, he may learn new things—that he cannot go out to eat with his wife more than once a month! And he may be very surprised that what he saw his parents do all his life is not appropriate for a young couple living off their parents' support! Sometimes it may be as simple as a conversation.
And what if the problem is his wife's spending habits, and your son is concerned as well and doesn't know how to address it?
Remember, she is wife, and these beginning relationships are easily molded and nurtured. Turning your son against his wife, or turning yourself against her, is counterproductive.
You can recommend to your son to speak to his wife. To go together to speak to their rav. Try not to get between the couple. Allow a neutral third party to do that. Why you jump to the conclusion that your son will go into debt because of his wife's spending is a little odd. Unless this concern is rooted in your own past. Or in a truly serious problem, which seems premature at this point to assume.
And your son needs to grow up and pay his bills. If he is overspending, you can either choose to infantilize him or allow him his own mistakes. And his own growth. Together with his spouse.
It is often hard to let grow of grown children and watch them flounder, having to learn the hard way. But the only way a child learns to ride a bike if his father lets go. You have done your job by giving him a helmet, shoulder and knee pads to protect him and a beautiful new bike. Now let him go and watch him fly (and sometimes tumble and fall!).
My book, Therapy, Shmerapy, can be found in bookstores or online