NOTE: THIS COLUMN WAS ORIGINALLY WRITTEN FOR BINAH MAGAZINE

Of course I have been tempted!

Her journal, or diary, or story for school, is right out there in plain sight, and I am overcome with curiosity to read what my daughter writes.

So, I will ask her.

And if she would say, “Ma-a-a-a! It’s private.” then I tell Curiosity to please find another parent to drive crazy, because the answer is no.

Believe me, I battle with this. I want to know my children’s thoughts, their feelings, what happened to them during the day, what makes them angry, happy, sad, or triumphant. I want to know what makes them tick, what makes them tock, and what makes them whirr and sometimes explode into many jumbled pieces of tangled wire and hard, iron bolts, and loose screws.

Well, to know all that, I guess I need to develop a relationship with my child. And then I won’t need to violate his or her privacy with my snoopiness.

As a therapist for teens, I am amazed how parents see nothing wrong with reading their teenager’s private writings, checking their texts and emails, accessing their internet accounts through underhanded ways to find out what their teens are up to.

Whew! Wait a minute before you attack me! I know, I know, I have opened a can of worms and nobody likes worms! (Especially because we learned as kids that if you cut one in half, then each will grow into a full size worm…doubling the worms!)

By the time a parent has brought a teenager into therapy, a problem already exists. Because for the most part, if there is a good relationship between parent and child, there is no need for the therapist (although, yes, yes, yes, other scenarios can necessitate therapy even if there is a good relationship!). The parent can do the work of therapy. But if the relationship and trust between child and parent is shattered, the therapist becomes that person who shows the teenager how a trusting relationship between adult and child can be developed and used to the benefit of the teenager to make positive changes.

So the parent, who adores her child to pieces (because really, nobody loves a child more than the parent…not the teacher, friend, or therapist...and nobody doubts that!), is frantic with worry, is frantic to know what is happening to her teenager, to that special kid that just two years ago was happy and normal. She can’t sleep at night, she can’t eat, she can’t believe that her teenager has disappeared into this unhappy, grumpy, secretive person that lives an emotional—and often physical—life that is totally remote from her loving parents. And nobody in her right mind, not even a therapist, thinks for second it isn’t so that it is the parent who loves her child most, and who is the most invested in her life.

But the means by which the parent tries frantically to establish a toehold into her daughter’s life, one of which is to read her private thoughts, her diary, her journal, her texts, and emails, causes even more damage to the relationship.

How? You ask. “My daughter doesn’t know. She will never know.”

When we engage in betrayals, in lies, in violations of a relationship, even when the other party does not know, the relationship knows.

If a child cheats on every test, and nobody ever finds out, do you truly believe the child’s character and relationship with her peers, teachers, and parents, is not being molded with her deceit?

Of course it is. Of course you know that.

When a parent violates her child’s privacy, even if the child never finds out, the relationship undergoes change, and is shaped as well with the secret knowledge the parent harbors.

So you want to know, “How will I know what my daughter is doing, where she is going, what secrets she is hiding if I do not read her diary? How will I protect her from herself, if I do not know?”

As a therapist, I will tell you that your knowledge does not change her actions or her ability to choose better, or to change and be the good daughter, the good Jew, the good person, she needs to be. You cannot protect her from herself when she is on the downward spiral. You can only use the one ace you have. You are her parent and love her like nobody else can or does.

Put your energies into reading your daughter, not her journals. Learn who she is, talk to her even when she rebuffs you, build the relationship even as she pulls it down again and again. Go to the therapy to learn how to do this if I am speaking a foreign language to you.

You say you have no problems with your other daughters. You have a wonderful relationship with them. Possibly. I do not doubt you. But if I may ask, is your relationship close with your other daughters? Or are you merely living in close contact with them? Do they share their hopes, their dreams, their disappointments, their opinions with you? Do you laugh together? Have fun? Do you have serious conversations with them about matters important to you, to them?

As a parent of teens myself, it’s not like I am so naive to think my children would do nothing wrong. It’s more I trusted them that if they make mistakes, they would be capable of fixing them. So if I suspected my child cheated, or lied, or stole, it was not in my best interests to prove they did it, or to triumphantly catch them at it. It was more important to me to show them I trusted them generally to make good decisions, and, if necessary, to make restitution.

By the time your teenager is in therapy, and you are reduced to reading her private correspondences to herself, to others, your need to know is only to assuage your own hysteria, not assuage hers.

The wonderful thing about relationships with parents is that it is never too late to build, to rebuild, or to create. Teenagers want nothing more than a relationship with their parents, no matter what their behavior or facial expression or body language screams.

You are the most important person to your teenager. Don’t spend your energies violating her privacy; invest in a trusting relationship that she will eventually prove she is worthy of.

My book, Therapy, Shmerapy, can be found in bookstores or online