NOTE: THIS ARTICLE WAS ORIGINALLY WRITTEN FOR THE COLUMN A SNEAK PEEK INSIDE, IN BINAH MAGAZINE

It does seem so drastic.
I mean, the couple just got married and are having a little issue or two. You don’t need a therapist for that, for goodness sake. A little chat with the Rav, a kallah teacher, a little common sense, a little compromise, and all is good as new.
Or that student who is arguing non-stop with her mother. They can’t agree on the length of a skirt, or when to be home. All you need is a caring teacher, someone who can explain to this daughter about kibbud av v’em, who can give parenting tips to the mother on how to deal with a newly emerging teenager, and it should sort itself out easily.
Look, everyone has problems. You don’t need to run to a therapist for every little thing. You know how much damage therapy can do? I heard about a couple who went to a therapist and they got divorced! Can you believe that? I heard about a girl who went to therapy, and she moved out of her parents’ house! Can you believe that?
Yes to your first question, yes to your second. I’m a therapist myself so I definitely believe those scenarios. What I want to ask you is how sure you are that the therapist caused damage rather than facilitated healthy changes leading to improved functioning.
This article explains how our ignorance of dysfunction impacts negatively on those who need help.
To be very clear: dysfunction is not necessarily related to purposefully wanting to hurt another person. Dysfunction can emerge when a person lacks support, tools, or insight which causes a break down in acceptable and appropriate behavior and communication and impacts negatively on relationships in the family, the school, the workplace, or in the greater community. This can happen when a mother is overwhelmed with the demands of an ill child, a father loses a job, a child is struggling socially or academically in school, and a myriad of other examples. This can simply happen because a child and parent are just not a good fit and what worked with the other children is just not working with this one.
This is the typical cycle that happens in our community:
When there is a problem, our front-line leaders are there to help, which is the way it should be. The chassan or kallah teacher, the mechaneches or involved neighbor; the Rav of the shul or a non-professional coach or mentor-like individual who has an interest and talent for helping others. They are usually the first ones to receive the phone call for help.
Because our community generally balks at seeing a therapist, we first turn to these people because they are considered normal supports to access in our community. There is no stigma attached. And that is way it should be. As a community, we are there for each other, and when others reach out to us, we want to help.
But here is the distinction I would like to make between the help these special people offer versus what a therapist does. And why they should remain the front-line leaders to direct and consult, and not become the foot soldiers in the trenches actually fighting the war.
When a person reaches out for help, they belong in one of two categories. Either their problem is solution-oriented and can be successfully addressed by any intelligent, caring person within an hour or two; or the problem is more deep-rooted and needs more time.
A couple has a disagreement about how to handle money that is threatening their shalom bayis. They consult a Rav who gives them common-sense, direct solutions and ways to compromise on their specific issue. The couple leaves, and implements these ideas with much success. The issue is no more.
Another couple approaches the Rav for what appears to be a similar issue. The Rav implements the same common-sense approach with solutions for compromise. The couple leaves but is back a day, even a week, later, unable to either implement the Rav’s sage advice, or has a fresh issue that needs to be discussed.
It is obvious to anyone reading this that the second couple’s issues are more deep-seated and will require much of the Rav’s time.
This scenario plays itself out with the helpful neighbor, the involved teacher, the non-professional mentor/counselor, and an assortment of others who try to get involved; sometimes for free, sometimes charging a fee for their time.
It doesn’t work.
Therapy is not a feel-good, do-good, common-sense type of intervention that just any smart, caring person can do. There’s a reason why it requires of a social worker, for example, at a minimum, two years of postgraduate school, which includes over a thousand hours of hands-on experience; another two thousand hours of supervised clinical work, and continuing education to maintain a licensed clinical degree.
An individual, couple, or family should be referred to a licensed professional if it is clear that the problem extends beyond a session or two of a rabbi’s or teacher’s time.
When a person is in a crisis that is when change is most likely to occur.
When a person reaches out to a Rav or other community leader/member for help, the person is most likely to pursue the help needed to alleviate the acute distress that has motivated him to seek the help in the first place. Once the individual’s distress decreases no matter how minimally, the motivation to seek assistance decreases as well.
One of the most powerful tools a therapist has is the self. The authentic, genuine, empathic, self. A therapeutic alliance is what allows the therapist to use his repertoire of skills and interventions to effect positive change in a client. Because Rabbanim, teachers, mentors, and others that want to help often have many of the qualities a therapist has, excluding an education and experience with therapy, this alliance is created first with the non-professional helper. By the time this helper realizes that professional intervention is needed, the person in distress refuses to accept a referral. The individual is often unable to connect to a new person and the therapy has been severely compromised in the absence of this crucial therapeutic alliance.
If the referral is made during the time of crisis, and before the attachment behaviors set in with the non-professional, the individual has the biggest chance of doing the work needed in therapy to effect change and develop healthy functioning.
There is a caveat I would like to address, a question that many people ask. What about life coaches? They are not licensed professionals but have helped many people who can attest to their efficacy. And here is my answer. There are always some individuals who are unique, who are self-educated, who are pioneers in an untried field, who are innovative and creative. And there may be unlicensed professionals, coaches or others, who fall into this category.
But it would be imprudent to entrust your own, or a loved one’s mental health into the hands of anyone, licensed or otherwise, who does not adhere to the strictest standards of professionalism.
And what is saddest is that when people reach out for help, and are disillusioned with the help of non-professionals, they are burnt out from seeking any help, thinking they have already tried everything, and not understanding how therapy is different.

[Articles specifically explaining how therapy--versus a listening ear--works, including tools a professional therapist uses, can be found in previous blog articles]

My book, Therapy, Shmerapy, can be found in bookstores or online