NOTE: THIS WAS ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED IN JEWISH ECHO'S COLUMN ASK-THE-THERAPIST

Question: My ten year old's new teacher has very strict rules. Many students do well with her but my daughter has a lot of difficulty adapting to her rigid style. What can we do to ensure she has a successful year?

Answer:

When I was a kid, I devoured books about children growing up in the 1800's who were educated, together with their siblings, by governesses. It seemed like the ultimate dream to me to learn at my own pace, with my own teacher, together with my siblings. Even more thrilling was the idea that just like those families who extended their largess to include distant cousins from abroad, so too I could have my own favorite cousin moving in with me and we could be educated by my governess together. It seemed like the greatest luxury to learn at my own pace, with flexibility, subjects of my own choosing in addition to required knowledge.

Yes, governesses was the old-fashioned version of home-schooling!

Carrying with me my own experiences of elementary school into my adult life as a teacher, parent, and then therapist, I developed an acute sensitivity of what children need to survive—and thrive—as students in a generally unforgiving school environment.

Lest principals and teachers jump on me and protest the use of the word unforgiving to describe our schools, I refuse to back down, but will simply say that no matter how wonderful our schools are today—and they are wonderful, with principals and teachers who are skilled and compassionate and educated in the most cutting edge classroom strategies—our attitude is always how to help a child adapt to the school environment instead of wondering how the school environment should be adapted to fit the child. (Our children are luckier today with shadows, P3, and other programs that are trying in some measure to adapt the educational system to help children; but again, the goal is to mainstream the child, not differentiate the child!).

As a slight diversion, let me explain that social workers are educated psychologically to view a person's problems not necessarily as internal—as in the person himself is defective in some way—but in terms of their environment. Change the conditions of the environment and oftentimes, the person's problems or issues are ameliorated.

I believe this even more strongly in the case of a child.

A child's natural propensity is towards success. If a child is not successful, it is important to examine how the child's environment is not conducive to success.

I give you this entire introduction in order to commend you on your question in which you take in account that your child's teacher's methods works for many children; but also your realization that it may not be a similarly good environment for your child. Just that acknowledgment alone is invaluable to your child as it validates her that there may be nothing necessarily wrong with her even if she is having difficulty in a situation that seems fine for other kids.

Even more, your attitude that is conveyed here, that she is perfectly okay, even if what is happening is not okay, gives her the strongest message of your unconditional acceptance of her. And that is great!

Because even though I sound like a non-conformist (which I am), and like somebody who tries to get around the system (true again), in reality, I am very aware that in some measure our children need to learn to adapt to the environment at large; and their success at times depends on this ability(other times, their creativity and ability to think and do independently—or out of the box—will be another measure of their success!).

And that leaves us with your original question which is essentially, how to help your child in an environment that may not be the best one specifically for your child.

And here, in the absence of any information detailing any problems with your child, I will assume that she is a generally good kid whose past teachers have been good fits for her, so her school environment has worked for her in the past.

I would advise you to try first to change her environment. Can you talk to the teacher to modify her rigidity with your daughter? Is the teacher an experienced teacher who knows how to be flexible with children, a skill that comes with successful classroom management and confidence? Or, is the teacher new at her job, necessitating a very rigid beginning school year in order to establish her authority in the classroom which will pave the way for a smoother year?

If the teacher is inflexible with her rigidity for whatever reasons, can you validate your daughter's distress, and help her instead to tolerate the discomfort until she adjusts? Or, will this situation truly be intolerable all year for her?

In that case, is there another classroom teacher in her school that may work better for her? Of course you may need to explore if what you gain with the teacher you will lose with changing her classmates and friends.

If at the end of this discussion and examination of the problem, you realize that there is no way to change the environment for your daughter, and she will need to adapt to this unpleasant situation, then here are some tips I can give you.

Firstly, don't invalidate her distress by placating her with empty platitudes like, “You will have a great year,” or “It's not so bad,” or “If everyone likes the teacher then so should you,” or other types of statements that make her feel misunderstood, invalidated, or dismissed. Those feelings make an unpleasant situation even more intolerable and more difficult to manage.

Validation is usually half the battle in helping your child live with something she cannot change.

Secondly, try to brainstorm with your child specifics that she is having difficulty with. For example, if she complains that she hates when the teacher makes the girls keep their arms folded during the lesson, make a game out of practicing keeping her arms (and maybe yours, too) folded.

Use a chart to identify the problem areas and to ensure compliance by earning points or stars or stickers to motivate your daughter to master those skills she needs in order to adjust.

Offset the stress of her school day by making her mornings pleasant, enabling her to tolerate the day more easily. And welcome her home in ways that will decrease her stress levels and make home a safe place. A child whose home is secure and filled with positive feelings is more easily able to manage the everyday stressors of school.

It's not easy to create those good-mood mornings, or avoid the supper-homework-bathtime-bedtime craziness, but the payoff is great in terms of how your children face each school day and adjust to a less-than-optimal environment. You can't always change your child's school environment but you do have choices in how you create the safety of their home environment.

Or, you can home-school her!

My book, Therapy, Shmerapy, can be found in bookstores or online