Note: This was originally published in JEWISH ECHO MAGAZINES's monthly column "Ask the Therapist."

Question: Recently, my husband’s religious views have been changing. His hashkafos and values are becoming more liberal than they used to be. How can we keep these newly developed differences in our hashkafos from affecting our children?

 Answer: Before I answer this question, I would like to make it very, very clear that the person you need to be addressing this question to is a rav. A rav who knows you and your husband would be able to guide you in this very sensitive and important issue which should not be taken lightly at all. A rav would recognize if your husband is in fact changing; or if you are. The rav would help guide you in navigating potentially halachic problems; where you can be lenient and which areas are non-negotiable to changes. I cannot stress enough the importance the guidance of a rav in this situation.

            But I will proceed on the understanding that you have already sought the direction of a rav, and he agrees with your perception of the problem that your husband’s hashkafos are changing and this may influence the home. And the rav is supporting you in your commitment to your marriage.

Your use of the word we as in How can we keep these differences in hashkafos from affecting the children, indicates that your husband seems to want the home to remains status quo while only he changes.

So what remains is the question of how to raise children when parents differ in opinions, ideas, or values without confusing them or creating friction. And this question can be applied globally to all parenting issues and values that encompasses far more than just religious difference such as attitudes towards spanking, education, spending money, technology, chores, extra curricular lessons, and clothing, among many others to which readers can add.

When I was a young mother, it drove me absolutely batty that my husband would promise the kids things extravagant things without any intention of fulfilling his promises. When he helped with bedtime, he would announce, “Whoever gets ready for bed in fifteen minutes gets a hundred dollars!” And of course the children would dash to their rooms, ready themselves for bed, and demand the money.

“Of course,” my husband would say, “tomorrow!”

Or at the Pesach seder, the children would ask for a motorcycle or trip to Israel and my husband would agree to anything they asked.

I turned to an older friend, a woman with a double Masters in both Special Education and Social Work, to ask her advice.

I will never forget her wonderful words. “Mindy,” she said. “As long as your husband is a good father, you don’t need to change him or take responsibility for his actions. Your children learn their parents very quickly. And they will know that if they are promised a hundred dollars to go to bed, they are taking a risk that it will not happen. They will make that decision if they want to risk it or not. You just continue to parent in the way you choose to. They will learn to make their independent choices.”

And this is what happened:

I realized, first of all, how much fun my husband was as a father. Bedtime and the Afikoman time at the seder was much more fun with him than with me. The idea of that hundred dollars was part of the excitement for the children, and yes, when they realized were not getting the money, they finagled him into buy them something the next time he was out with them by reminding him of his promises.

Then, by the Pesach seder, when they would ask him for the moon and he would agree, I would laugh and say, “Remember, only anything up until $20.00 that you ask Totty for afikomen, I guarantee.”

The children would consider this very carefully, and some would choose the conservative $20.00 and some would take the risk of asking for an expensive shas.

The main thing is that our opposite views towards spending and promising has fueled a lot of pleasurable memories for my children, which I realized this past Pesach when it came to afikoman, and my married son jokingly warned my three year old grandson. “You can ask Zeidy for anything, but Bobbi only promises you will get it if it's up to twenty dollars,” and everyone had a good laugh.

So if you have a certain attitude towards when and how to do homework, then you do it that way. If you husband has a different way, and sometimes he takes a shift, don’t make a fuss. Your child will soon learn which way works better for him, and turn to that parent for help. And it may not be you.

The problem is when you think that your husband’s method or views are not just different than yours, but damaging to your child.

As a social worker I will tell you very plainly that there is no issue as damaging to a child as when his parents fight. If you want to know damage, then it is a lack of shalom bayis. And everything else is commentary.

You can be thrifty and your husband a spendthrift, you think children should be punished for wild behavior and he is for using time-out, you think piano lessons are mandatory and he thinks they are a waste of time. As long as your spouse is a decent human being and there is no abuse involved, there is no subject that needs you to create conflict to win your point.

So let us return to original question.

You obviously think that your husband’s deteriorating hashkafos are extremely damaging to your children. And you want to protect your children.

So let us go back to your rav’s guidance. And to the fact that you remain in the marriage.

You cannot change your spouse, nor can you protect your children from his views.

Whatever you will do, they are smarter than you, more perceptive than you.

But here is what you can do:

You can remain a very strong role model in the hashkafos you believe in without putting down your husband.

If you do not create a conflict, then children do not need to take sides. If they do not need to take sides, then they will be drawn to the values of their community, because it is what comes naturally. And if the unthinkable happens and they do choose your spouse’s values over yours, at least you have kept their sense of self secure and intact, including your relationship with them, creating the opportunity that should they decide to re-choose, it is possible.

If you polarize them with conflict with their father, then you force them to choose between their parents and that seem irreversible.

Know that psychologically a child learns to have a relationship with Hashem, his G-dly parent, through his relationship with his own parents. So if a child has a good relationship with each of his parents, who want his good and he strongly feels their love and benevolence, he assumes that G-d loves him and also wants his good. When a parent creates conflict, damages relationships, and is viewed as punishing by the child, the child then grows up to view the ultimate Parent in much the same way.

So if you want your children to have a connection to Hashem, you be a parent to model Hashem’s forgiveness for sins, a love for another despite flaws.

It is not an easy task, but it is also true that chochmas nashim bunsah beisah, a wise woman is capable of building her home.

Your strength is to stand strong in your convictions, being a role model for your children while avoiding conflict with your husband—with the guidance of a rav.

I challenge you to look around and notice how in each situation in which a woman had stronger hashkafic and religious values than her husband, and kept the peace in the house nonetheless, the children imbibed her values and the home evolved out of her strength.

Much hatzlachah in your avodas hakodesh…and have fun parenting!

My book, Therapy, Shmerapy, can be found in bookstores or online