Rosh Hashanah. Yom Kippur. Succos.

For some, these words conjure up memories of delicious hot challah dipped in honey, solemn time in shul followed by the sweetness of cake and coffee at the breaking of the fast, the warmth and camaraderie of siblings and cousins squashed in a Succah lovingly designed by a parent and created with the children, and the noisy, fun, crazy beauty of yom tov together with family.

For others, these same words create such pain and distress, that they join the national statistics that show how holidays drive up the rates of depression and anxiety; even suicide attempts.

If you are from the latter, that yom tov causes you grief, I am not going to ask you why you are spending yom tov in such a stressful environment. I will not ask you why you do not seek alternate plans that can enable you to experience yom tov as you should. I will not ask you if your family deliberately causes you pain or if simply their mere presence is painful in your life. No, I will not ask you these things because I have respect for your pain and respect for your decisions; and I know that at this time in your life, there are reasons you have made this decision to remain with family for yom tov and that when you can, you will decide differently.

So the only thing I will address is how to cope with familial stressors over the holidays in ways that will be helpful to you at this time.

Here’s what I would recommend. It’s still some time before yom tov, so get some pen and paper, or your computer, or phone. Make a list of all the ways various members of your family will cause you pain, even if inadvertently. Look at this list after you have finished it. It may have things on it like: 1.My mother will ask me why I am so picky about shidduchim/why I refuse to start dating.. 2. My sister will ask me to babysit her four kids in the afternoon and I do not want to. 3. My father will criticize my dress/husband/job/mother’s food/brother’s wife. 4.It’s difficult to watch my younger sister who is coming for yom tov with her husband and pregnant stomach.

Other things on the list may be: 1. I hate when everyone drives me crazy why I don’t want to go daven at the shul my father davens in instead of just leaving me alone (I don’t want to explain that I’m triggered there). 2. I don’t want to hear my mother talking badly about my sister’s kids. 3. I hate hearing my parents fight. 4. I hate hearing my parent’s argue about money/ the kids/the cost of yom tov/ who is eating which meal at our house/why my husband has different minhagim/ how stupid my older brother’s wife’s parents are. 4. I’m sick of being compared to my younger sister. 5. I hate having to feel sorry for my divorced brother who comes with his kids for meals. 6. I am sick of the tension because my parents can’t handle the crowd/nobody wants to come. 7. I absolutely hate being yelled at being somebody else is nervous about something unrelated to me.

If I left anything out, you will let me know. Just make that list.

Now, add to the list anything that you just know will go wrong. Like, it’s inevitable that you and your mother will have a fight right before Yom Kippur, or somebody is going to forget something important—like buying grapejuice, or even that the yom tov tension is going to make you unable to daven with concentration and you will feel guilty and angry at Hashem.

Now add a third part to your list: any triggers you anticipate that will cause a spiral into depression, a fight with your husband, or refusing to come to the table on yom tov. These triggers can be small or big, inherently bad or seemingly parve: the smell of honey, walking to shul, nieces and nephews fighting or playing, your brother’s presence, sleeping in your old room, one parent disrespecting the other…

Anticipate all these things so that you can empower yourself either beforehand or while it is happening.

Once you have this list compiled, walk away. You are probably aggravated enough by now just thinking of the stress you will need to deal with this yom tov. Calm down. When you are calm again, come back to the list. Now brainstorm different ways you are going to cope with each of these things. You know they will happen, so you need to take steps to avoid falling into the traps of depression, self-blame, anger, or anxiety as a result.

For any situation you can avoid to begin with, do that. For example, if you know that the family is going to make a fuss when you don’t go to shul on Yom Kippur or want to babysit their children in the afternoon, or disappear for a meal to a friend’s house, face the music and let all involved know in advance. This way you can manage the hostility on your own terms at your own pace. If you know you will be triggered by your brother-in-law’s presence at the Yom Tov meal, for whatever reason, invite yourself out to someone else then. Whatever you can avoid or change or deflect, do so.

What if you have no control over some things on your list, like parents fighting or criticizing? That’s a tough one. You would need to put a plan into place to decrease its impact on you. For example, make a list (again!) of typical critical comments your father makes. Say them out loud and as you are saying them, imagine him wearing a clown suit, or some other outrageous picture in your head. Even better, share this with your friend if possible. Laugh at the picture, imitate him, take the sting out of his words. Then when he actually says those critical comments over yom tov, your imagination will pair those words with the clown costume on him, again, taking the sting out of his words.

Prepare yourself with things to do and places to go whenever and wherever possible in anticipation. If you know that the seating arrangement the first night of Succos is stressful for you, disappear to the bathroom with a stomachache and a good book until it’s over. If you know that your mother will talk to you about your siblings after the meal is over, offer to clean up alone or arrange for a friend to drop by. Make sure you have headphones for your ipod and listen to music while you work before yom tov; arrange for extra therapy sessions or phone support with friends, mentors, your therapist. Take care of yourself with exercise, eating, and sleeping. Make sure you have outings arranged with friends, during Chol Hamoed, and on long yom tov afternoons.

The main trick here is to anticipate the triggers and stressors so that depression, anger, guilt, anxiety, and hopelessness do not become your default reactions.

For those of you lucky enough to have a family rav, and one that your parents respect, I would strongly advise you to consult with him to help you navigate through this difficult time. He may be able to advise you, reassure you, and even intervene for you.

And for those of you who hate asking others for help, think if you would reject your friend’s request for help; if not, why not reach out for her help? Now you need help; there will come a time when your friend will need yours. Being a martyr is not anybody’s idea of a good time.

Here’s one last thought. People statistically are doomed to repeat the patterns they have seen in their families of origin. That means you are going to recreate this holiday horror in your own home—unless you take hard steps to develop awareness of the dysfunction and take steps to change. So become an anthropologist in your home. Observe the unhealthy patterns. Document them. Examine them. Study them. Now figure out alternate scenarios that you will introduce in your own home as you marry and have children (of course you will!). Use these holidays to learn what not to do and how you will do differently. Practice now for the future. You owe it to yourself.

Take care of yourself. Don’t become a statistic this holiday season.

NOTE: This was originally published in the online magazine The Survivor's Club,  a monthly newsletter for survivors of sexual abuse in the orthodox community. To receive information or to request to be put on the email list, they can be contacted at t[email protected]

My book, Therapy, Shmerapy, can be found in bookstores or online