Dear Mirel,

What do you do if you really don't believe in divorce if there are children involved and you really want to work it out but your partner doesn't really care and isn't really willing to put in much effort? Is there a way to do it all on your own and if yes how and if not do you have to just give up because you're the only one who cares?

A Reader

_________________________________________________________

Dear Reader:

Without having any specific details about the nature of your marital issues, the general situation you describe is a really tough one and I don't think there are any easy answers. It sounds like you feel trapped between two impossible positions: either you stay in an unhappy marriage with a spouse who seems unmotivated to help improve the relationship, or you get divorced- which is something you don't believe in and that you worry will impact your children negatively.

There are never easy answers to this kind of dilemma. However, I think there is probably a middle ground here, meaning that there probably are some things that you can do on your own to help the situation, and that there are also probably some things that cannot improve without your spouse's help (and you can't force your spouse to change if he or she is unwilling or unmotivated to do so).

I think you are going to have to go through a process of trial and error (you will likely need a therapist's help) in which you try different things to change the state of your marriage. You will need to see what seems to help (if anything) and whether your spouse can become motivated to change if you change something about yourself. I think it will probably take some time for you to have more clarity about the situation. Sometimes the most helpful change is a change in perspective about a given situation- perhaps you can learn to see things differently in the marriage and find that more helpful than anything else.

One thing that I always recommend, however, is to learn a skill called "marking" (you can read more about this on the "parenting" page of my website, www.goldsteintherapy.com ). This is extremely important for children when they are in a bad situation that cannot be immediately changed. In my experience, children can deal with a lot of things and still turn out pretty healthy, as long as they are helped to talk about their experiences in a waythat is does not either dismiss their feelings (example: "oh, Daddy and Mommy don't really fight that much, I don't know why you think that") or escalate them (example, "yes, I also hate it when daddy yells and when you tell me that it upsets you too then i really think about getting divorced from him). "Marking" is about letting children talk about what they are going through without getting your own feelings all mixed up with their's. I think that that is a good thing to start working on at the very least, even if you cannot change anything else about your situation at the moment.

Mirel Goldstein, MS, MA, LPC is a frum licensed therapist who maintains a private practice in Passaic, NJ; she specializes in treating long-standing personal and relationship issues. Mirel participates in some insurance plans and can be reached at 303-204-7039. Questions and comments for Mirel can be emailed to [email protected]. More information can be found on her website, www.goldsteintherapy.com