Dear Mirel,
My teenage son is coming home as late as one in the morning most nights. I know for a fact that he is hanging out with kids who are doing drugs. He insists that he would never be stupid enough to use anything himself. I always trusted my children. My husband is telling me not to trust him with these other kids and I should not allow them to be friends. I am not sure which way to go with this. Should I arrange that my son can no longer hang out with these kids?
Want To Trust My Child

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Dear "Want To Trust My Child",

Thank you for your question, which is hard to answer without knowing the full context of your son's history, personality, self-esteem, friendships, relationship to your and your husband, and general family dynamics. That being said, there are different types of approaches for this common situation and I would encourage you and your husband to try to come to some shared understanding of what you both think will help your son; if you cannot do this on your own, then a therapist might be needed to help you do so.

Forbidding a child to "hang out" with his friends is a technique that typically backfires, although it might be possible to set limits on the context in which he hangs out with his friends if you have an open relationship with your son overall and feel that he will respond to those limits without simply going behind your back and engaging in more and more secretive behaviors. You might also want to learn about "motivational interviewing" which is a technique that tries to enhance a person's motivation for change. Trying to open up the lines of communication with your son about your concerns will likely be a first helpful step, once you and your husband get on the same page. Even just trying to understand things from your son's point of view can be a step in the right direction in terms of figuring out how to communicate with him without putting him on the defensive.

Mirel

Mirel Goldstein, MS, MA, LPC is a frum licensed therapist who maintains a private practice in Passaic, NJ; she specializes in treating long-standing personal and relationship issues. Mirel participates in some insurance plans and can be reached at 303-204-7039. More information can be found on her website, www.goldsteintherapy.com