We all have stress in our lives. But what is stress? What is the psychological process in our mind that brings us to be stressed out? Let’s begin by exploring some theories—the Appraisal Theory and the CBT model—to help us gain a better understanding of how stress happens and how to reduce it.

The Appraisal Theory (by Lazarus & Folkman) proposes that our mind makes two quick calculations—or appraisals—of every situation and based on these appraisals we react accordingly.

In the Primary Appraisal we evaluate the stakes we have in a stressful encounter; how important the situation is to us. In the Secondary Appraisal we acknowledge that we have a situation that affects us and we evaluate our options for coping, such as our network of resources. We manage stress by assessing the reality of our appraisals.

Similarly, with the Cognitive Behavioral approach (by Aaron Beck) we recognize that a person often has distorted beliefs—opinions which they assume is fact—which effects the way they feel, which in turn causes them to react negatively. Here too, through CBT, the person will learn to question their distorted beliefs and label them as opinion—not fact.

Example of how to use CBT to manage a stressful situation: A printing shop employee is given a job with a Thursday deadline. Then the boss pushes back the deadline to Tuesday. The employee “believes” he cannot deliver job on time. He “believes” that this is a setup in order to get him fired. As a result he “feels” angry and resentful. Which cause him to “behave” irresponsibly and foolishly, he argues with employer and storms off the job.

We now ask the employee: Is your belief a fact or an opinion? Would you have the same belief (that you cannot finish by Tuesday) if you’d be offered a $500 bonus? What would you have advised a friend in your situation? How can you play devil’s advocate? Maybe your boss was given an ultimatum by the client? Perhaps there is some compromise—such as delivering only the important half of the order by Tuesday? Maybe this is a compliment that the boss trusted you with this difficult task and not your co-worker?

Example of how to use the Appraisal Theory to manage a stressful situation: An employee is asked to prepare for a licensing exam and she feels ill-prepared for it. She fears that she will fail the exam and be fired as a result.

We now ask the employee: (Primary Appraisal—evaluating the problem): what is the likelihood that you will fail the exam? What is the likelihood that you will be fired if you do fail? And if fired, will you drop dead tomorrow of hunger? Are there no other jobs available? Is your fate sealed for the rest of eternity? And then (Secondary Appraisal—evaluating solutions) Are there any exam prep books? Can you phone a friend who recently took the exam? Can you postpone the exam? Do you have friends, family and business contacts to help out? Are there any government programs for temporary assistance? Do you have emotional resources? Have you ever gone through something similar? Do you have a friend/life coach/career coach/support group that can help you with this?

By utilizing these two approaches we can organize the problems in our life and make them more manageable.  We begin by appreciating that fears and perceptions are not necessarily facts and we learn to dispute our distorted beliefs. We then re-appraise our situation to minimize the problem (Primary) and to realize the solutions we may have (Secondary).

Thus far we have discussed problem-solving techniques for manageable stressors. Now we’ll shift to handling serious cases of distress. We need to appreciate that in life there are some situations that we have no control over. In such situations we need to work on ourselves (not problem-solving) to cope with the situation. That’s referred to as “emotion-focused coping.” We will now explore a variety of such coping techniques.

• Journaling: keeping a diary; jotting down our feelings and struggles. Journaling affords one the ability to check in with their emotions and vent freely. The research is clear that journaling not only can be of immense help to manage stress but even to reduce chronic illnesses.
• Humor: laughter is the best medicine—and that’s no joke…According to a report by the Mayo Clinic there are short-term benefits such as it stimulates many organs, activates and relieves stress responses, and soothes tension; and long-term effects, it improves immune system, relieves pain, increases personal satisfaction, and improves mood. A little bit humor also acts as a great situation diffuser. So, go get some giggles.
• Hobby: When dealing with a difficult situation it is important to take on a hobby to distract us from our pain. This can be anything from knitting to fruit carving to hiking to picking up a new musical instrument. It is important to do it with consistency and without distractions.
• Emergency Box: just like the emergency box in your car’s trunk, we need a box we can run to when we’re stressed out. The box can include anything that makes us happy, including our favorite chocolate, a puzzle, a good book, music, or a gift card for a massage.
• Physical and Relaxation Exercises: the benefits of these are known and well documented. Having a regiment of either or both on a daily or weekly basis will keep stress at bay. Try it.

In addition to Problem-Focused Coping and Emotion-Focused Coping, there is Meaning-Focused Coping. Gaining a perspective of what’s important in life can raise our natural ability to cope with what life gives us. By keeping a gratitude journal where we document daily our little blessings we transform into more mature and more emotionally-healthy human beings. Doing acts of kindness is another example Meaning-Focused Coping. And of course there is prayer and meditation.

                Whatever it is, we need to remember that stress can be more manageable and that human resiliency is stronger than the credit we give it. We just need to figure out what technique works best for us, and then learn to enjoy life despite the inevitable ups and downs we will face.