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CHALLENGES for 21st CENTURY FATHERS

A Jerusalem Post Column
Jan 21, 2011
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For decades the debate about balancing work and family life has been framed as an issue for women. The women's liberation movement fought to give work and professional career opportunities for women alongside men. The success of that effort has since given women the challenge of figuring out how to successfully balance work and family life. Now, it is an option.

Yet a recent study about fathers by psychologists at Boston College has revealed that fathers are struggling just as much or even more than mothers, to try and balance work and family.

For thousands of years, family life was determined by women's ability to encourage a man to maintain a monogamous relationship. A woman's commitment to the role of mother meant she was fully absorbed in the time consuming needs of caretaking of the children and running the household. Having a dedicated adult male in the family as a father insured safety and regular sustenance to a mother and her children.

Thus the traditional family was established with clearly defined roles for mother and father.

That historic "traditional family" is now a rarity. In the USA, the number of "traditional families" has dipped to just fewer than 21%. It has been replaced by 'dual career couples and single parents. It is women's success in academia and corporate life that has contributed to creating these dual career family households.

Economic necessity is another factor contributing to dual career families. Couples have decided that in order to maintain their preferred life style they need more than one parent to work and bring in income.

Men's place in the world of work has been clear for centuries. The position of father and breadwinner were seen as virtually synonymous. Even in dual career families, often after the child/children are born, women continue working, but on a part time basis. It is men who remain primary source of family income - the breadwinners.

A father in a dual career family is now met with greater expectations regarding their role not just as breadwinners, but often as full partners in parenting. Women feel that if they are working both in and out of the home, men need to "pull their weight" similarly. This poses a major challenge, as the workplace is not so accommodating to men taking off time for their parental role.

Employers have not embraced the concept of men sacrificing work time for family responsibilities. Work norms, still reward on the basis of showing commitment to the organization by working continuous long hours. When a father has the desire to spend time with his children, employers are reluctant to be flexible. A father taking time to be with his kids is often viewed as compromising his work commitment.

The pressure fathers often feel at work is reflected in the words of one of the fathers from the Boston College study:

"It has been somewhat frustrating to me the lack of appreciation for my con­tributions in my role [as a father].… I think there's an assumption that when I go home I'm not doing as much. That I have more time to focus on work, because there is just a natural inclination to believe that my wife does the bulk of the work at home..

The pressure fathers feel is also internal. Their identity is tied up with their work. Men identify themselves by their accomplishments and financial success, which contribute to attain significant social status. They are likely to determine their self-worth by measuring the size of their financial net worth.

This makes prioritizing the role of father over work success, difficult and challenging. I have worked with CEO's who travel internationally to achieve business success, yet their role as father poses one of their biggest challenges. The dilemma of when to take off and be with their children is evident whether they own their own business, are in a family business or work as professionals.

Lastly men are often subject to stress generated at home. When the womanassumes the role of mother she is "in charge" regarding both caregiving and the running of the household. . Thus, when the man helps out, he is entering his wife's domain of primary responsibility. As a result when he spends time caring for children, the experience is more likely to be that he is helping his wife, than taking a joint primary role in the parenting of the children.

Since this help, usually only offers the mother a short reprieve from her responsibilities, she may unwittingly minimize her husband's contribution.

For example, a father may help to put the children to sleep, make sandwiches for lunch, and or give kids a bath. But, his wife is not likely to value that contribution as much as he does because she still feels the weight of her caretaking responsibility. The focus of the work becomes giving the wife/mother a break from her chores as opposed to spending quality time with the kids.

What are some successful strategies for fathers to deal with these challenges?

As with many aspects of marital relationships communication is a key to helping resolve stress. On a basic level, fathers should ask what is most helpful and mothers should show appreciation for that help, acknowledging that it is both helping her and positive paternal involvement. .

A major challenge for a father is to begin to view their own identity and self-worth as coming as much from family life as it does from accomplishments and success at work. When asked 'what it is that you do', a father should develop the habit of acknowledging that you he sees himself as a father and, not only as lawyer, investment banker or CEO.

I heard a good example of identifying the role of father from a friend of mine. He taught school age children in South America and he told me how he successfully got that message across to parents. . He had a child in his class who was the son of the Minister of Interior of Chile - a man of considerable public stature and political power. To focus the minister on his father role, every time my friend met the minister, he would greet him: "Hi, father of Ernesto!"

Dr Mann is a Clinical Psychologist and Certified Coach, who helps young adult males, adults in transition, and business executives achieve positive goals. [email protected]

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