Dear Therapist,

My 11 year old daughter comes home from school everyday crying as she is being teased by the other kids in her class. She tells me that the other kids call her fat, make fun of her clothing and tell her that she smells. I know my child isn't those things but she is still being picked on. I hear her in the bathroom crying about how she sits in school alone at lunch and no one wants to play with her at recess because she isn't good at sports. I wonder what happened to the girls that she used to be friends with? Why are the girls so mean? Where happened to the good kids and the values that I was taught growing up?

What do I tell her as she doesn't want to go back to school? She no longer eats her lunch and doesn't enjoy going out with the family for dinners. She spends most of her time crying and worrying about how she will get through her day. I worry my child is being bullied and as her mother I feel helpless. I tell her how much I love her and how great she is but that doesn't seem to make her happy or help. I have tried to reach out to the school but they don't seem to take the bullying and threats seriously? What else can I do?

A Helpless Mother

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Dear Helpless Mother,

The very first thing to do is to determine that you are not helpless! When one determines and begins to believe that she can do something advantageous, then it becomes possible.

It is heartbreaking to see one's child in pain and the first priority is how to respond to that child. When one is feeling terrible and perhaps even inferior, as much as the temptation is to tell her that she's great, it really is ineffective. It is more meaningful to convey and, hopefully, really understand how she feels. So communications such as, "it must feel terrible to eat alone", "I know it must hurt so much to have the other girls call you names", "sometimes life can just seem like yuck", is the first step in truly making connections with her. No matter what one's feelings are, to be understood by someone else, especially a parent, can be magical. Say you know she's suffering and your so sorry about it. Assure her you will do all in your power to make the situation better and ask her what, if anything, she would like you to do.

The next step is the school. I don't know what steps you've taken and I don't know if your daughter attends a yeshiva/day school or a public school. When trying to get a response from an institution, there are appropriate steps to take. First, the teacher. There should be a face to face meeting with the teacher/s in which specific incidents should be written down and the teacher/s asked if there's an awareness of them and, if so, what has been done and what will be done if they continue. If this is futile, then the next person up the ladder should be met with and so on until the principal, rosh yeshiva, whoever is the head of the school, is met with.

If there still is no strong interest in responding, bring information from all the various articles that have been written about this topic, highlighting, especially, the number of suicides that have resulted from children being subjected to this type of torment and inform them that if your daughter suffers any more emotional trauma not only from the bullying, but from the school's failure to protect her - and other students - you will hold them personally responsible. You can also explain that without their immediate positive interventions, you will contact the local media to alert them to the situation in the school. You can inform them that there are speakers and programs available to schools, parents, and students that address this exact issue and, as people who have accepted responsibility for the education and growth of children, they are obligated to include this type of education/information in their curriculum. And, actually, while I was waiting in the wings to do a Parenting presentation last week, a member of that Parents' Organization announced such a program to be held for parents, faculty, and students, 5th graders and up.

If your daughter attends a Jewish school, you can also assert that they have not only a legal and an ethical obligation to protect the children entrusted to them, but a Jewish one as well, as the following ideas/beliefs prescribe: we are commanded to deeds of loving kindness; we are expected to act in a fair, just, and caring manner toward others, we are, indeed, responsible for one another and, according to Pirke Avot, "Let the honor of your student be as precious to you as your own". How is it possible that a Jewish school and Jewish teachers not abide by those holy guidelines. Perhaps a reminder to the "powers that be" will spur them to take the actions they should have been taking all along.

By taking such a stance, by being assertive and determined, you can not only change your child's environment, you will provide an excellent role model for your daughter in self advocacy and both of you will grow in the understanding of the strength you both have to take control in your lives.

Nancy Silberman Zwiebach, MS, PD
Paramus, NJ
201-843-1373

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Dear "Helpless Mother",

I am sorry to hear about what your daughter is experiencing at school. It sounds like you have done your very best to be supportive to your daughter as well as to speak with staff at her school, but are still feeling stuck. I therefore recommend that you seek out the advice of a local mental health professional who can fully assess the cause of your daughter's social challenges at this time, as well as whether she is experiencing a full-blown depressive episode which would require treatment. Behaviors such as excessive crying, not wanting to go to school, losing interest in socializing, etc...all show that your daughter is experiencing a lot of distress and she will need all of the support and help that she can get to cope with this situation and resolve it.

In addition, if you do suspect bullying and the school is not responding to your concerns, this presents a real challenge- since bullying is typically a group dynamic which needs intervention from the adults in charge. I would recommend putting your concerns to the school in writing, requesting a concrete response in writing, and copying the letter to more than one person on the school administration. Expressing concerns in writing is always a good way to go when verbal communication has not elicited a forthcoming response.

I also recommend that when your daughter talks to you about the situation, in addition to telling her how much you love her and how great she is, you also reflect back to her what you hear her saying and ask if there is anything you can do to help. For example, if she says that the girls call her "fat and smelly", you can ask her if she thinks that is true about herself and open up a conversation about that. Part of empowering any person to stand up to difficult situations is helping them to be able to name and own their own experience, strengths, and weaknesses. Reflective listening can really help.

I hope things get better for your daughter soon!

Mirel Goldstein, M.S., M.A., LPC
Professional Individual and Marital Counseling

3 Harding Court

Passaic, NJ 07055

303-204-7039

NJ License 37PC00391500