As I was about to leave the hospital after giving birth to my son, the wonderful doctor who had delivered me twenty two years earlier, put his hands on my shoulders, looked at me closely, and said, "Remember Nancy, you were here first; he has to fit into your world." Those few simple words were probably the best parenting advice I ever received. Through the years, in the various capacities in which I've had the opportunity to work with parents, I try, always, to help them see the wisdom of this philosophy.

What is the ultimate goal of parenting? To create, to the degree possible for each individual, an independent, successfully functioning adult who can create and maintain positive interpersonal relationships professionally and personally. In order to do this, they have to have incorporated the rules of the society in which they live.

In more primitive cultures, everyone has a place and a role. No significant deviation from the "norm" will be tolerated, on penalty of expulsion from the group. In our much more sophisticated and complex society, there is, fortunately, room for much greater deviation and individual expression. However, there are still social rules, both written and unwritten, that must be followed along the many paths taken through life. Any parent's ability to have the world adapt to meet the demands of their child is limited and, at some point, comes to an end. Your child's life will be much easier if he learns to deal successfully with the challenges life presents. It is also helpful and reassuring to keep in mind that the earlier one learns life's lessons, the easier.

As an assistant director of a major early childhood program, I was often approached by parents who were distressed because their child was in a class or camp program with children they didn't know. Although I understood that their preference was to have their child be with friends, it wasn't always possible. I tried pointing out that their children were very young, a stage in life when it is fairly easy to make new friends. Also, even if it were always possible to place them with friends, what would happen if, at some point, the family had to move and in all those previous years, their child had never had the experience of creating a new friendship - of walking into a situation in which they didn't know anybody? Wouldn't it, at that stage, be somewhat daunting, if not actually traumatic to first be faced with such a challenge? The truth is that making friends is a skill, and it's a much easier skill to learn at age 3 or 4 than to do so for the first time at 14. Instead of perceiving the current situation as a calamity, I hoped to help the parent see it as an opportunity for their child to develop an ability that would be an asset throughout life.

I knew a parent whose second grader auditioned for a newly forming choir in his school. The leader was planning for the choir to perform in various venues in which it would represent the school the child was not accepted. The mom was outraged. "This is terrible. Why should a child that age have to feel rejection? Everybody who wants to be a member should be accepted!" she asserted. Well, that's not life. We are not all accepted to everything to which we apply. The mom could have put this experience to a productive use. She could have, first and foremost, recognized and acknowledged her son's feelings of disappointment and rejection. She could have, then, explored with him how people having varying abilities and talents, and then asked him about all the ways he was gifted and affirm all the things he could do and could do well. Over the course of his lifetime, there are bound to be more disappointments and other situations in which he'll try but not succeed. How incredibly valuable to learn at 7 years old that, yes, it hurts, but life goes on. Tomorrow, maybe something even better will come along.

When a child is confronted with disappointment, anger or frustration, it acts the way an inoculation does. When one is inoculated, the weakened toxin creates a reaction in the body, building an immunity, so that in case of exposure to a stronger toxin, the body can resist. It is the same when a child learns to deal with small setbacks when she is young and has the support and understanding that parents provide, when the bigger setbacks come later in life, the tolerance that her prior experience has created allows her to withstand it in a strong and healthy manner.

One last example: Once, during a Pesach vacation, with my son, I picked up a friend and her three children and we all went to play miniature golf. It was an absolutely glorious day and, remarkably, there was nobody else at the course. My friend's youngest child was about 5 and not a very agile child, so he often had to hit the ball many times before it would get into the hole. By the time we got to the 5^th or 6^th hole, there were two more groups at the course and, in a very short time, they had caught up to us and were standing and waiting while this child was going for his twentieth stroke. I became very uncomfortable, both with my having to wait interminably at each hole, as well as in causing these other groups to wait. I turned to my friend and, showing her the score card said, "the maximum number of strokes per hole is seven and it really isn't fair, we're keeping everybody waiting." Ignoring me, my friend turned to her son and said, "You can keep on playing as long as you like, until you get the ball into the hole." And, this is how the course played out. Needless to say, I never played miniature golf with this family again, nor did anything else with them in which this attitude would have been a factor. But - what lessons did this child learn that day?

He learned that he wasn't expected to play fairly by the rules. He learned that his needs and wishes always came before other people's, and that it really didn't matter how or to what extent he was infringing on other's rights as long as he was satisfied. My friend certainly didn't consider anyone else - me, my son, her other children, let alone those others at the course - when telling her son he could take just as much time as he liked. Now, how would this child adjust to taking turns in school, when playing games, when learning sports, sharing, etc.? Who would want to play with him and what teacher would enjoy having him in his/her classroom?

I want to make it clear - I do not advocate any individual giving up his or her rights or his or her place in this world. We need very much to teach our children to stand up for themselves, and without arrogance or insult, to claim what is rightfully theirs. But what we also need to teach them is that it is wrong to infringe upon the rights of others or to expect others to sacrifice in order to satisfy our own desires. I am reminded of the quote of Rabbi Hillel's, "If I am not for myself, who will be for me? If I am only for myself what am I?" By learning how to fit into the world, we not only ease our own passage, but create a smoother, more satisfying experience for those around us. As Jews, we have a guide, Pirke Avot (The Ethics of Our Fathers), that instructs us, in minute detail, in the ways we are to treat others.

So, I suggest parents keep the following points in mind as they steer their children from toddlerhood to adolescence. Always appreciate and respect their feelings. LISTEN. And then, in forming a response, both verbally and in action, ask - what lessons am I teaching and what am I suggesting to my child in what I am doing? Will my handling the situation this way serve to help my child gain independence and self-confidence? Will it encourage her to believe in herself and her ability to handle what life brings her? Am I building up - or preventing - individuality, self esteem and self assuredness?

So whether the issue may be camp friends, a class choir, or taking turns golfing, understand that when you are reprimanding your child, look into their eyes and understand that you're in the process of molding an adult.

Nancy Silberman Zwiebach, MS, PD