Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC

When Shmuli Fein married Yitty Schmecker they've should've known that their kids would incredibly picky eaters, worse than lachanophobics!

The Fein-Schmecker children, as their name suggests, are finicky about their food.  Lachanophobics have anxiety attacks at the sight of vegetables; their plight is real, not a matter of preference or choice.  Feinschmeckers have strong preferences about all kinds of foods, and their parents do have choices.   Here are some choices that I explored with the parents of a three-year-old girl:

Mom:  I can't understand why Mirel won't eat apples. The Golden Delicious apples that I've given her were so sweet; I know because I ate some of them myself.  I peeled one and gave it to her so she could eat it herself, but all she did was take a bite, make a face and spit it out.

Dad: I told my wife to introduce the apple to Mirel more gradually.  I suggested that she cut up little pieces into Mirel's breakfast cereal, or make some apple sauce and put some cinnamon sugar onto it.

Me: And what happened?

Mom: Mirel ate the cereal and left every piece of apple in the bowl, and the entire apple sauce with cinnamon and sugar mixture ended up in the garbage.

Dad:  Well, that's because you always give in to her!

Mom: And you never give in to her, you just make everything a battle until you walk out the door leaving me with a child crying over something I wouldn't have made such a big deal out of to begin with.

Dad:  You don't think it's a big deal that she won't eat fruit?

Me:  One second; slow down.  How many different fruits have you offered Mirel?

Mom: She loves cherries.

Dad:  Wonderful, that's good for two months out of the year.

Me:  You think it's wonderful that she likes cherries, or you think it's wonderful that cherries are only available two months out of the year?

Dad:  I was being sarcastic.

Me:  What do you imagine it's like for your wife when you respond with sarcasm to something she said?

Dad:  You're right, I shouldn't be sarcastic.  I'm sorry, Chavie.

Mom:  I'm mochel, and you're right, Benzion, cherries aren't enough fruit for Mirel to be having.  I don't know what else to do with the apple so she'll eat it.

Me:  Chavie, you said that Mirel won't eat apples.  How many different types of apples have you offered her?

Mom:  I've only offered her Golden Delicious apples. They're the sweetest apples I've ever had and I think it's the only kind we ever have in our house.

Me:  What would you think of offering her some different types of apples? Personally, I don't like Golden Delicious apples. I like Macintosh and Granny Smith apples, perhaps because they're tart and not sweet.

They were quite surprised to find that Mirel enjoyed Granny Smith apples, the tarter the better.  It was a choice that had not occurred to them and a preference they certainly did not share with their daughter.  But in this case it was easy to accommodate her.

When it comes to dinner vegetables, it isn't as simple.  You probably don't mind having four or five different kinds of apples and some other types of fruits in your fruit bin so your children can choose the kind they prefer.  How often, however, are you willing to prepare a different vegetable for each of your children?

Here too, you have some choices.  The best choice is usually ask to your child what would help her eat some of whatever vegetable she doesn't like.  If she wants to carefully cut her string beans into small pieces and eat a small piece on each forkful of chicken or potato, what's the problem for you?  If you think peas and carrots smothered in mustard is strange but your son finds it more palatable that way, why should that bother you?  If you're concerned that he'll pour half a bottle of mustard over his vegetables and refuse to eat it because it doesn't taste good, set aside a small portion of his peas and carrots, help him add some mustard, and let him taste it.  If he doesn't like it, discard the rest of that small portion, and see what he can figure out to help him eat the rest of his vegetables, perhaps with ketchup or salad dressing or chumus.   These are the types of choices you can help your child identify that might help her eat more of the foods you want her to eat.

Some parents I have worked with found it helpful to take a different approach.  They give each child a plate with a protein portion, a starch portion, and a vegetable portion.  For example, each plate might have a small piece of chicken, a small portion of rice, and a small portion of string beans.  They will give their children seconds of anything they want as soon as they have finished all three of the first portions. 

The wording is important.  They do not say, "You may not have more rice until you finish your string beans and your chicken."   They say, "You may have more rice as soon as you finish your string beans and your chicken."

The format "yes you may when you have met my expectation" is more effective than the format "no you may not until you do what I want."  It points a child toward success and describes your desire to acknowledge it, rather than pointing to failure and the punishment or withdrawal of something they want that you will impose until they comply.

Imposing your will until they comply.  Or helping them succeed at meeting your expectation.  Many parents have told me they have learned that the latter is a far more effective form of parenting.