Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC

I was recently interviewed on a radio program.  You can listen to the interview at HealthWatchRadio.com or download an MP3 recording of my conversation with Dr. Jacques Doueck to listen to at your leisure.  In the meantime, here are the ten questions Dr. Doueck asked, and a brief version of my responses.

You've said that there are 2 words that help parents to be more effective, and many parents find them easy to remember and very hard to do.  What are the 2 words?  

The two words are "Slow Down."  Parents find it hard to slow down when they are feeling threatened by disrespect, non-compliance, and chaos.  When they are able to slow down, the following usually happens.  They realize that there is no threat even if a child is disrespectful, non-compliant, or chaotic (as in having a tantrum).  Sometimes they figure out that their child is disrespectful because he doesn't know how to express himself respectfully, he is unable to comply rather than willfully defiant, and he is unfocused rather than chaotic.   Parents understand the concept, but get flustered in the situation.  It takes preparation and practice.

You teach parents the Ben Ish Chai's commentary on the expression in Pirkei Avos "al t'hi dan y'chidi."   How does that apply to parents?  

When a child doesn't do what you asked her to do, you see an unmet expectation.   How you judge or interpret that is up to you.  Most of us interpret what we see very quickly based on past experiences or pre-conceptions, and we're sometimes right.  In his recent book "Thinking, Fast and Slow", Nobel laureate Daniel Kahneman shares his research on how useful our first impressions can be and how often they're wrong.   Assuming that your child ignored you may be your first impression when you see that what you asked her to do didn't get done.   The Ben Ish Chai cautions us to think about other possibilities that would move us towards being dan l'kaf zchus.   From that mindset, you are less likely to feel threatened and more likely to offer help instead of criticism to your child.

What is the most common issue you hear from parents of pre-school children?  Bedtime, for them and for older children, too.  Sibling rivalry is a very common concern, as well.

What do parents of teenagers ask you about most often? 

How can you trust them: about cellphones; about where they're going, with whom they're going, what are they planning on doing when they get there.

How do you get a child to do what he needs to do, to motivate him? 

If your child believes that he needs to do something and he isn't doing it, he'll probably ask you for help.  If he doesn't think he needs to do something, and you want him to do it, that doesn't mean he needs to, it means you want him to.   Sometimes you can convince a child that he needs to do something because you want him to.  When you cannot convince him, you can attempt to motivate him with incentives and disincentives, once you've ascertained that he is capable of doing what you want him to do and capable of doing it as soon as you want him to do it.

When is it okay to bribe a child and when should you not have to anymore? 

We bribe people to do bad things, that's what the word means.  We offer incentives to elicit desired behaviors.  The Shalah hakodesh describes this in detail. (Shaar haOsios, 4:22. Volume 1, page 287 in the Oz Vehodor 1993 edition)

You have been conducting a weekly men's parenting group for almost 2 years now.  Don't women do most of the parenting, and men provide the food and shelter?

That's what the Bnai Gad and the Bnai Reuven thought.  Moshe Rabeinu taught them to think about it differently.  (Rashi Bamidbar 32:16)

But what happens when husband and wife aren't on the same page about parenting? 

They don't need to be.  They need to respect each other's page.  Children adjust well to differing expectations and rules.  They struggle when parents argue, especially when it's about them, and children usually assume it's about them.

What are some books that you recommend for parents? 

Pele Yo-aitz is a good start, particularly the sections on hakaah (hitting), yishuv hadaas (peace of mind) and hagaddah (telling over in order to draw interest).  Tomer Devorah teaches us what to aspire to as parents emulating Hashem.

Zereah u'Binyan b'Chinuch (Planting & Building, Raising a Jewish Child) by Rav Shlomo Wolbe zt'l describes specific situations that arise and how to address them in addition to basic principles of parenting.

When do parents get to "retire" from parenting, sit back, and enjoy the nachas?  According to the Alshich hakodesh and Rav Moshe Feinstein zt'l (Darash Moshe) on the beginning of parshas Va'yeishev you never retire from parenting, even as you enjoy the nachas from your grown children and theirs!

Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor with specialties in marriage, relationships, and parenting.  He works with parents and educators, and conducts parenting seminars for shuls and organizations.  He can be reached at 718-344-6575.