Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC

Last week’s article began with four statements.

I can’t let him see me cry.

You made mommy sad.

You shouldn’t get so angry.

You don’t hate your brother.

One of these four statements may actually be dangerous for your child.  The other three are simply inaccurate.  Last week we discussed the inaccuracy of the first one.

This week we’ll see what is inaccurate about the second one, and what to say instead.

First, a brief digression.

Hillel taught us d’alach sni l’chavrach lo saavid, if you don’t like something done to you, don’t do it to someone else.  (Shabbos 31a)

Here’s what a mom said about her 3 year old daughter:

If I tell her not to do something, or that she needs to do something she doesn't want to do, she says "You make me sad, mama."
It really annoys me when she says that.

Some children may find it similarly annoying.  Many children feel guilty, not annoyed, when told that they have made their mother sad.  Whether it induces anger or guilt in your child, it clearly isn’t something you want done to you, so don’t do it to your child.

Now, back to the issue of inaccuracy.  It may be true that something that your child said or did resulted in your feeling sad.   I hope it is not true that your child made you sad, that his very being is unpleasant for you.  I’m sure you wouldn’t have meant it that way but that’s how you come across when you say “you made me sad.”

Parents express anger towards their children more often than they express sadness.  That’s because parents more readily express anger than sadness.  It’s also because anger is frequent.

R. Ila'i said: By three things may a person's character be determined: b’koeso, b’keeso, u’bkaaso.  By his wine cup, by his wallet, and by his anger.  Eruvin (65b)

Rashi explains that k’oeso means what he is like when he has been drinking (should we have more shidduch dates on Purim?), keeso refers to his integrity in business dealings, and kaaso means not to be insistent on more things than is appropriate (sh’aino kapdan yosair mi’daiy).  One musar haskale for parents is not to insist on too much; it results in anger.

The Ben Ish Chai pointed out something else.  He wrote that the sequence is listed in order of less frequent to more frequent.  “On any given day you cannot tell what a person is like when he’s been drinking because on most days people don’t drink all that much.   You can tell what a person is like in his business dealings on any given day, but only in the daytime and not at night and not on Shabbos or Yom Tov.  But anger you can observe day or night and even on Shabbos or Yom Tov.”  (Ben Yehoyada)

Given that you may frequently get angry at your children it is important that you express anger appropriately.  “You made me angry” is not appropriate.

Dr. Haim Ginott explained:

For parents, anger is a costly emotion: to be worth its price it should not be employed without profit… Anger should so come out that it brings some relief to the parent, some insight to the child, and no harmful side effects to either of them…

Except for one safeguard, we are entitled to express what we feel.  We can express our angry feelings provided we do not attack the child's personality or character.

When you say “you made me angry” you are attacking a child’s personality or character.   You’re telling him something about him, not what he did.

When you say instead, “I am angry that you did that,” you are expressing your emotion about what happened.  That moves the focus to behavioral alternatives, and more naturally leads to a discussion of what you would rather he do next time.

Dr. Ginott didn’t suggest that you never express anger.  He suggested that you express it clearly and sometimes quite strongly.

He gave the following example:

When I call you for dinner and you don't come, I get angry.  I get very angry. I say to myself, 'I cooked a good meal and I want some appreciation, not frustra­tion!'

Dr. Ginott explained:

This approach allows parents to give vent to their anger without causing damage.  On the contrary, it may even illustrate an important lesson in how to express anger safely. The child may learn that his own anger is not catastrophic, that it can be discharged without destroying anyone. This lesson will require more than just expression of anger by parents. It will require that parents point out to their children acceptable channels of emotional expression and demonstrate to them safe and respectable ways of liquidating anger.

[From: Ginott, Haim; Between Parent and Child: New Solutions to Old Problems; Macmillan, 1965; pages 50-52.]

I hope it is not true that your child makes you sad, that her very being is unpleasant for you.

I feel terrible saying it out loud, but my husband knows it’s true.  He has much more patience and compassion for our youngest daughter than I do.  I can feel myself tensing up when her school bus pulls up to bring her home.  I’ll send her to school when she’s not feeling well in a way that I would let my other children stay home; I just can’t have her around all day.

Yes, Rabbi Ackerman, my wife has told me that before.  Is it normal for a mother to say she can’t stand having her child around?

I didn’t answer his question.   I’m not sure if the thoughts and feelings his wife expressed are common enough to be considered normal.  I’m pretty sure he wouldn’t be happy about his wife feeling that way even if it were common.  And I was positive that her saying it out loud to her husband and me, while beginning to cry, was a sign that she wanted to learn what to do to heal her relationship with her youngest child.   B”H, over many weeks, she did.

I won’t go into how we did the work we did.  I will tell you that I never said to her, “You shouldn’t get so angry.”

More on that, G-d willing, next week.