Divorce can be challenging.  Who you become after your divorce is your choice.  Do you want to be a better person, or chalila, a bitter person?  Do you want to model anger, frustration and hopelessness for your children, or do you want to live a life of emunah that everything that comes from Above is for the best?  If you want to choose to try to become a better person, then here are some points to try to stay focused on.

1.  Keep H' in the picture.  Start your day with a sincere "Modeh Ani." Remember that you are never alone.  Yesh laMakom harbei shluchim.  He has many messengers for good.  Start to notice all the good that H' is sending you along with the difficulties.  Thank H' for whatever good there is in your life and watch that goodness grow.  

2.  Switch to positive self-talk:  Replace "I can't" or "this is too hard for me," with "I think I can", and "with H's help I am managing."  You will believe whatever you tell yourself.  So, imagining a positive outcome is your first step towards creating one.  If you are not used to  doing this, it may seem "fake" at first.  The more you do it, the more you will realize that it is more true than the completely black picture that you might be painting. 

3.  Set goals:  Ask yourself what you would have to change in order to create a more positive reality for yourself and for your family.  Find a trusted friend who can help you to set small goals towards that end.  Reward yourself as you go for each baby step.  Literally pat yourself on the back, look in the mirror, smile and say "yasher koach!"  

4.  Let go of comparisons:   Resist the temptation to look over your shoulder and compare yourself to others.  Not your married friends, not your ex, not other divorced women.  You are on a unique journey, with your own distinctive set of talents and abilities.  Stay focused on what H' has given you in His infinite wisdom, for your ultimate benefit.   Be aware that you have your own unique purpose to fulfill in this world.

5.  Adjust your rear view mirror.  If all you see in your rear view mirror is anger and resentment, then you are surely heading towards bitterness.  No good ever came from crying over spilled milk. If you made mistakes, learn from them, then forgive yourself.  If someone else made mistakes, don't give them the power to keep you from living your life to the fullest.  Keep your focus on what is good today and the bracha that you would like to see in your tomorrow. 

6.  Give yourself permission to mourn your losses.  It is normal to feel hurt, angry or disappointed.  There are many real losses that are incurred as a result of a divorce.  Acknowledge them, validate them, mourn those losses, and then move on.  The Torah sets limits for intense mourning for one week, less focused mourning for one month, and the process comes to an end after one year.  If you are feeling stuck, speak to a Rabbi, a Rebbetzin or a qualified professional who can help you get on with your own life. 

7.  What is in the best interest of the children?  Keep that thought always in mind, regardless of what your ex-husband does.  When your children grow up, they will respect the parent that respected them and their needs.  Be that kind of parent.  Stay adult.   That will be the greatest source of stability that you can give your children.

8.  Take good care of yourself.  "If I am not for myself, who will be for me?"  If you want to command the respect of others, be self-respecting. Eat three nourishing balanced meals a day.  Make sure you get enough exercise and rest.  Build a schedule that leaves you with down time to recharge your batteries and to feel like a woman.  Pamper yourself with little affordable "luxuries."

9.  Keep in touch with good friends.  Staying connected to friends and family who can offer encouragement and support is important.  Offering something back from time to time can help you feel better about taking when you need to.  You'll feel better if you bring a batch of cookies when you go to a friend's for Shabbos.  Your friend will also feel good about receiving something from you.

10.  Learn Torah.  Even just a couple of minutes a day of learning shmiras halashon, or parsha or halacha by phone with a chavrusa can make a difference.   Torah is the best anti-depressant.  Learning Torah raises your awareness of H' in the world.   The world is not hefker.  H' is right there in our darkest moments, waiting-  for us to let in His special light.  

Rachel Rose, M.Sc. is a family and individual therapist in private practice in Jerusalem, Israel.  

She can be reached at (054) 726-8870 or at [email protected].

Reprinted with permission from The Butterfly Magazine