Today I mark in my calendar three years of mental health of personal growth and gratification. How did this come about?

Love happiness and fulfillment is what fills me today. In the past this blog has allowed me to vent, to mourn to express emotions I didn't know I owned. Allowing me to heal through expressive writing through the knowledge that others were listening and perhaps identifying. Writing is a mystery for me. I allow my hands to type and my mind to connect and my heart to be open. What will come up today is where I am holding in my life.

I still may have struggles ahead but I strongly feel my past has made me stronger and more resilient to face the future. I did not go through all my pain for naught. I know G-d has a reason for me, sometimes I wish he let me in. I cannot imagine life not suffering. I had good times but buried inside was deep pain I was broken. Who would I be if I was not always hurting? Now I know there is help I need no longer hurt inside and suffer I can ask for help I can be safe.

I am getting older twenty four to be exact I would like to start dating. I have felt ready for a while. I feel so grateful to be working on many of my issues before going into a relationship, especially ones that may affect it. As oppose to finding out after I am married and dealing with it then. I strongly feel about my diagnosis - bipolar I is the same as the doctor diagnosing my thyroid disorder. I take care of it I am in tune with my body and what triggers episodes. I hope my beshert will think of it the same as I a health issue that with the right care can be one hundred percent under control.

I feel I have made the most progress and have moved furthest with my current therapist. For a while I felt that group therapy might help me to move in the right direction, not feel alone in my pain. He greatly encouraged and even found me information about different groups. I have joined a psychodrama group which I love I feel a connection to these women whom I just met and I identity with their pain. The work is emotional and hard core but the relief and satisfaction is unreal. In psychodrama I get to scream, I usually hold back my emotions I do not cry or scream though I really want to. I must admit I have laughed until both my therapist and I have tears flowing. Never have I cried out of pain I would like to work on that. Screaming is a step to letting go I feel physically hot and drained after, but very satisfied. I know my tear ducts are working I cry very easily over other people’s problems but mine seem untouchable. 

I am proud of myself I did something really hard and the reward has been endless. The brother that molested me for nine plus years had his first child.  No, I have no contact with him I have not spoken to him since I confronted him last summer. I got vibes through my mother that he was very upset that none of his siblings purchased a baby gift or wished him mazal tov. I am very close to several sisters and I discussed with them and helped them arranged personalized gifts for this new born. I called the store had it delivered etc…  He has no idea I was behind this arrangement, the gift was not from me I have not forgiven him yet. By doing this action it has taken the place of anger I felt good I felt a weight lift off of me. I have stopped doing self destructing behaviors that was a direct result of the molestation. I am searching deeper inside of me to become neutral not to deny or forgot but accept and move on.  

I feel amazing. Alive, and healthy I am on the least amount of medication under my psychiatrist guidance. My memory is at its best. I feel alert I feel full I am calm. Three Years later I am the opposite of locked in I am so free. I am living life to its fullest, for now I am relaxed. Thank you Hashem to that I say L’chaim, (on water) celebrating three years of staying out of hospital and for being manic free!