I was diagnosed with Bipolar, in this article I am suffering from a severe episode of mania. I am describing my experience in a psychiatric hospital .

I awake to find myself in bed surrounded by doctors and nurses. I forget where I am. Dr Sacks in his loud voice booms "How are you feeling Rochel?" I shake my head I blink several times and answer in disbelief. "I feel as if I have been run over by a car", a chuckle ensues. Startled, I sit up take a good look around and whisper "I slept"?

I made the tough, but necessary decision. The month before was hell, the visits and late calls to my psychiatrist and the going back and forth to adjust the meds, the tears and frustration; then silence. The unspoken cry for help, I was ill and needed treatment. I packed a small night bag and told my family I was admitting myself to the psychiatric ward in the hospital down town. They didn't understand, my family was fearful about the stigma. I was scared of losing control and hurting myself, or worse someone I loved.

Mood swings is not something new to me, so why was I so surprised when I found myself swinging manic. Talking, but never finishing a thought. Writing a paragraph without any sentences, buying clothes to pass time, thinking deeply, not eating. Charming, funny, thoughtful, and loving. Quick to anger then tears, fearful, and very confused.

Admitting my self was hell, I could care less giving up my cell phone and all my possessions, changing in to a hospital gown removing all the pins from my hair. What hurt most was the wait, patience and mania do not go well. I wanted to start feeling stable already. I was not compliant I wanted this nightmare to stop. Let the magic start - be over with this pain! Sedated I remember nothing more, a blessing.

I come too, people, smells, faces and a window. I walk from the hard plastic chair I had been resting on, I press my nose on the glass pane, instantly I am calm. Water, raindrops a beach I close my eyes. I sense a person behind me she introduces herself, my nurse for the morning. I get up to go check out the hospital floor she follows I have a permanent shadow.

Nights are hard I close my eyes; thoughts follow one after the other, ignoring the night nurse sitting in my room I grab a pen and paper and start writing. First my biography, a few minutes later a letter to the president, then a poem to express my feelings. Satisfied I lay back down. Two hours later, tossing and turning I take a trip to the nurses' station more meds back to bed. Restless, I listen to music then get up walk back and forth, I lie down again close eyes deep in thought - morning arrived.

Rose my shadow for the morning brings me a schedule; there are many different therapy sessions which she encourages me to go. I enjoy music and art, mediation is really hard I find myself interrupting the instructor. I go to the library I sit by a computer it takes me ten minutes to find the Internet icon, my eyesight is terrible I am drugged I lose patience and leave.

I notice the door, at the far end of the room. I make my way over, Rose is occupied. I calmly walk over and turn the handle. Nothing, blood rushes to my face, disappointment shock I am locked in. Saddened I try relaxing on the sofa, I contemplate what if I could walk free would I go? I made the choice to come. I wanted to feel safe and get well; I conclude this is hard but still the best place for me now to heal. It has been two weeks, why am I still suffering?

I anxiously stare at the door visiting hours started. My mom comes late my older sister follows, we chat, my mom brings me home made food I force myself to take a bite, no appetite its tough. I smile, laugh, get angry -pull myself together. We play some cards I pretend to care, to know what is going but I am exhausted. I excitedly discuss the new meds I would be taking that night to help me sleep. I explain the side effects weigh the pros and cons.

Squinting I spot my psychiatrist I mouth "thank you". I slept, smiles and the nodding heads confirm. Sleep had once eluded me. My journey of recovery had finally started.

Today twenty six months later I continue to be stable and lead a healthy lifestyle. I am holding a full time job. I run programs volunteer at different organizations. Currently I am seeing a psychiatrist and therapist. I am on medication and plan on being on it indefinitely.

Rochel