The first time I am in hospital for a lengthily stay I am twenty one month's old fighting for my life suffering from meningitis. The first time I black out I am three my babysitter thinking I am dead panics. As I child I often blacked out with no explanation. The first time I went to school I waved good bye and did not look back I loved being social and having fun. The first time I hear my parent's whisper I know something is wrong, home life is stressful. The first time my sister Sara does not come home and misses my seventh birthday I am scared. The first person to tell me the truth is a girl the same age, a few weeks shy of my ninth birthday.

The first time I walk into the office I meet this lady who looks like a bobby. The time I spent there in therapy helped me out of my depression, my bas mitzvah was spent in much fanfare. I refused to go back and was encouraged to call and be thankful. The first time I walk into the clinic I was angry my depression full blown I came to see a doctor. I wondered if she expected me to play with the doll house or crayons she puts out each time, I am not a baby. I liked her she mustn't know she had a kindness that cannot be masked.

The first time we went private the doctor was highly recommended I am older the depressions longer. I was taken aback the doctor dresses in leather jeans was pretty but had a firm business edge. The chandelier distracted me I believed her and took the chart willingly. The first time the school gave me an ultimatum leave or they can assist me to find help I was fourteen. The clinic was far I travelled three times a week my sessions starting before eight am. I was a difficult client I hated everything about it a few months into the therapy I had my first manic episode, I was away from home when it took place.

The first doctor that diagnosed me explained to me what bipolar disorder is. I listened as he clarified to me the two different spectrums I had been experiencing. I was relieved to know there is help for this diagnosis. I stayed with the clinic for two years. I celebrated my sixteenth birthday then I left for school abroad. The first time I stepped into my new therapist office I did not know what to expect she would be my first religious therapist I was nervous and excited at the same time. She connected me with a clinic that specialized in bipolar. I was placed in a study for bipolar I saw a therapist filled out many forms and met with the doctor. The first time I went into his office I felt at ease the Rambans letter of refuah was a first for me and definitely put me at ease.

His smile was contagious we chatted he liked my foreign accent. I learnt from this doctor what triggers a bipolar episode for me what the next step is, these tools are priceless. The checklist eventually became inscribed in my mind if I ever doubted a symptom a quick phone call or e-mail settled my nerves. For the first time I was one hundred percent involved in my entire health plan. We discussed side effects we weighed together the pros and cons of different treatment. I had a say for the first time I felt in control of the unknown and guided. My first experience in a psychiatric hospital was relieved by the support of the clinics team.

I relocated once more, the search begins again. I found an excellent religious female doctor who's knowledge on the position of a Jewish women with bipolar with today's issues is inspiring. Harder yet has been finding a therapist to help me recover after my second experience in a psychiatric hospital. For the first time I am seeing a male therapist from whom I learnt so much and I have become so much more confident and stronger in who I am.

Thank you everyone who has helped me in my journey.

Rochel Leah