Purim is fast approaching I feel my mask is in place, the mask I wear every day. The happy go lucky, easy going, happy personify I display. The well liked successful, responsible, smart and stylish appearance I keep. I never lie or hurt anyone intentionally, I am afraid of no one I hold a small fear of animals and I despise being judged. Once the masked is lifted loneliness engulfs my being. I feel sad, trapped, I feel fat, ugly, and I am hurting. I am afraid of dying young and don’t want to be ever called immature or a victim.

I am my mask and I own what is deep inside. I am happy and lonely I feel the two for me do not contradict each other. I am happy in my career and being a dependable adult I get happiness from spending time with my friends. The family I choose to spend time with I derive much pleasure from. I love to travel and practice photography, I enjoy volunteering with special needs children. I do feel genuine happiness. There are the days when it feels the clock is ticking and I will soon be a quarter of a century alone, single. I want to be a wife a mother I want to nurture to love to give I have so much to offer.

I have a history of pushing on despite trying circumstance. I feel because of that, I am who I am today. I am stronger, more resilient, more sensitive and kinder to others. I feel feelings I am alright with feeling sad and staying with it until it passes. I feel vulnerable at times and accept that I am not in control. I have formed a closer relationship with Hashem and find much comfort in his Tefillos. I recently was given these words of comfort that really helped me in my situation. My sister explained to me that my beshert may not be ready for marriage even though I feel I am. This gives me great comfort knowing that he is out there he exists. I know there is a higher power greater then I running this world I will do my part and let G-d do His.

This purim I hope to dress up perhaps wear a mask and allow the natural and pretend to blend until everything is mixed up and I feel genuine feelings. Good the bad and the complicated and when they come I pray I will have the strength to deal with them.

Rochel